#1
don't move; their sight is based on movement.

when Mrs. Pennington
walked away to retrieve
my attendance record,
i took in a breath and held it
until my face turned blue
and stuck the thermometer
up to the lightbulb of the reading-
lamp perched on the end of her
desk.

Mrs. Pennington, the school nurse,
diagnosed me
with a slight fever and mild nausea;
possibly contagious,
and i was home-free.

i packed up my books and
waltzed out of school with more
looks of disorientation
than i probably needed to give
and a hand over my tummy
to let everyone know
just how sick i supposedly was.

and then came that
irreplaceable,
uncontrollable...smile.
the smile of a child's perfect
freedom.
a birthday smile.
a first-kiss smile.
the joy you feel you've waited
for, all your life,
that somehow becomes a lost,
or translucent
entity once adulthood weighs down.
and you love your life so very much
on those, unknowingly, most rarest
of occasions;
and remember them, it seems -
when it seems so meaningless to
recollect them.

sometimes i think the world
could burn, and i wouldn't have much
to complain about.
other times,
i cry at the thought of never having
the opportunity to do it all over
again;

to be this, human;

to, be.

and unlike this poem,
i move forward not waiting
for that...punchy ending, to
widen the eyes that follow me.
matter of fact,
i hope it gets buried with me
because it's none of anyone's business -
not even my own.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#2
This was an interesting change from your last piece. You really captured the character and I found this very enjoyable. The ending was lovely.
#4
- "the joy you feel you've waited
for, all your life,
that somehow becomes a lost,
or translucent
entity once adulthood weighs down.
and you love your life so very much
on those, unknowingly, most rarest
of occasions;
and remember them, it seems -
when it seems so meaningless to
recollect them."

- There's beauty in here, but the way you wrote it was irritating. I squinted at it. Why the fuck would I do that? I can see perfectly fine, it's just the way in which I feel thick tonight and so is the way you wrote it. The problem lies in how I suddenly lost all the feelings I had up until that point. I don't care if it has a direct mission, I wasn't ready for it and it didn't suit the words - and point of the words - that you were using. It definitely suited the ending, but maybe the layout, or it's positioning was the 'problem'?
It some respects in went in line with the way things twist and turn into something new, but... I dunno.

- "just how sick i supposedly was."

- I don't think "supposedly" was entirely necessary. It said too much and altered the way in which I was reading the piece, and it wasn't into something I prefered.

- "up to the lightbulb of the reading-
lamp perched on the end of her
desk."

- I can see what you are doing with these line breaks, but I believe you could simplify it drastically and it would still have the same affect, whilst still keeping the reader occupied on the more important aspects instead of the trivial bullshit of 'flow' and 'artistic reflection'.

- "possibly contagious,
and i was home-free."

- I'm being very picky here: the second line didn't quite flow very well with it's predecesor and it's following section.

- "waltzed out of school with more"

- I don't feel "waltzed" was an effective word here. It felt a little quick and boring.

- "freedom.
a birthday smile.
a first-kiss smile."

- Beautiful. I adore the way this was laid out and the simple diction.

- "sometimes i think the world
could burn, and i wouldn't have much
to complain about.
other times,
i cry at the thought of never having
the opportunity to do it all over
again;"

- I'm kind of indifferent with this section. It doesn't feel very special, when really, it's imperative and poignant. But the way you wrote it detracted from that poignancy.

- "to be this, human;

to, be."

There is something about those comma's that sadden the reader.

- "and unlike this poem,
i move forward not waiting
for that...punchy ending, to
widen the eyes that follow me.
matter of fact,
i hope it gets buried with me
because it's none of anyone's business -
not even my own."

- It's clear what you are trying to say here and the style is clear, as well. But I feel a little tarting and really deep nitpicking could alleviate a few small issues. Mainly in a line break, or two, and the "matter of fact" line.

This felt a little unfinished - which is a fucking awful thing to say to a writer, but there you go.

I thought it was cute... in a moving way.
#5
I'm not going to crit this. I've just really, really enjoyed your last few pieces. Your last few and the few before them.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
'on those, unknowingly, most rarest
of occasions;'

On those, unkowingly, rarest of occasions'

or

'on those, unkowingly, most rare occasions'

not both.

Unless it was a colloquialism, in which case i just didn't like it, sorry.


'waltzed out of school with more
looks of disorientation'

Waltzed seems like an innaporiate physical image.

'a birthday smile.' Doesn't seem anything especially free about birthdays

'entity once adulthood weighs down.' More interesting/less cliche/more precise way of describing this feeling?

'again;

to be this, human;

to, be.'

I hated reading this grammar!

'i hope it gets buried with me
because it's none of anyone's business -
not even my own.'

lol

Anyway, i liked bits of this and didn't like others. I'd like if there could be more real detail about this nurse incident. No one is diagnosed with 'contagious nausea'. I think you could probably condense this a lot, but in the end I felt satisfied reading it.

Also, it does remind me of various skives, haha.


'Waiting for Grace' in my sig, if you want to crit back.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish