#1
this is one of the first pieces i ever wrote and its a few years old


As the shadows slowly grow
In the dying light of the day
With the darkness comes a feeling
Inviting none to to stay

From the darkness comes a light
A beacon to lost souls,
A savior to tired wanderers
A chance to escape the cold

An old man cold and weary
Emerges from the black
Lost in a world of sorrow
From which he cant turn back

The old man turns ‘round slowly
Into a gentle embrace
A solitary spark of kindness
In this cold and miserable place

As soon as it appears
The embrace is nowhere to be seen
Once again the man is alone
As if it had never been

The old man continues wandering
Through the night-black mist
The temptation to give up and die
Is one he must resist

Still the old man struggles o
Despite the constant strife
And in the darkness he wonders
Just what he’s done with his life

In the darkness he sees a shape
Moving amongst the shadow
Joyfully he reaches out
Yet he falls to the ground below

From the ground he sees the shape
And realizes its true form
It is but a specter
Sent to torment the forlorn

The old man grits his teeth and rises
Pulling himself to his feet
Yet as he moves he stumbles
And sinks to the ground in defeat

On the ground he realizes
All is not yet lost
There are still many paths to follow, roads to take
And still many bridges to cross

With that thought he resumes his journey
Through the land of the night
Ready to face the challenges in his path
And back into the world of light

Though he still has strength of body
The old man lacks strength of mind
To drag his weary form to the end
And survive these challenging times

The colour that once illuminated his cheeks
And brightened up his face
Has since faded into gray
To match this souless place

All this endless wandering
Has finally taken its toll
It saps him of the will to go on
And makes him feel so old

He pauses on his journey
To stop and catch his breath
Yet he can’t stop for long
Lest he be taken by bitter Death

Up ahead the darkness begins to fade
And reveals a bright white light
Joyfully the man moves towards it
Anxious to escape the night

Blindly, he begins to run
All lethargy receding from his legs
Yet he cannot enter into the light
For him a different path lies ahead

At first the direction is confusing
For it leads not into the light
Nor back into the darkness
Instead it leads into the twilight

A vast expanse of gray
Spreads out before his eyes
Earnestly, he begins wandering
As his hopes begin to rise

Wandering in the twilight
The man is optimistic about what is to come
The isy chill that once beset his bones
Has been replaced with a deadening numb
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
#3
wow its looooooooong!



That's what she said.


Though it is long, it's quite an interesting story. I liked this a lot, I must say.

One suggestion I'll give is to make the intro a bit more interesting. It starts out just a bit cliche, the first two stanzas aren't attention-grabbing like the rest. I think the word "darkness" is used one too many times.


An old man cold and weary
Emerges from the black
Lost in a world of sorrow
From which he cant turn back

The old man turns ‘round slowly
Into a gentle embrace
A solitary spark of kindness
In this cold and miserable place


This is my favorite part. Very colorful words, illustrating a grim and grey world with an interesting protagonist.


Nice job.
#4
a lot of this was unneccessary - the structure and the rhymes felt forced after a while, it it eventually led to a kind of rambling, not going anywhere kind of feel.

this could easily be a four-ish verse piece using a less than boring structure.
#5
thanks.as i said its a very old piece nd i wasnt very experienced at that stage.i was going through a pretty tough time nd i wanted to express the overwhelming sadness and the seemingly never ending blackness that had descended on my life
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial