#1
Some stuff i wrote the other day when i was posted up on painkillers. Really just some loose thoughts. COmments / criticism?

Cold Heavy heart beating out of my chest
Trying to break loose
TO break this noose
Choking my words / Paralyzing my nerves

Put on a smile and stumble out of bed
Looking for a way
TO clear my Head
And drift through just one more day
With these stiff hands and a weak stomach
Maybe you're right / Maybe i am Sick

Tune it out / But you cant / Malevolent hauntings in my mind
When i cant sleep at night
But i cant stay awake
Finding it hard to breath
You need 5 minutes alone / you need to take a break
But its not Enough
Its never Enough
I cant shake these feelings
This Dementia and Disturbia
This hopeless Utopia

And those bastards. Dead to me
Insecure children / Compulsive liars
CAn't seem to think for themselves
They aren't real / Empty shells of people
I used to know / I used to trust
****s and giggles
Haha
A ****ing joke
Those dirty bedsheet ghosts
Last edited by PissInMyShoeses at Feb 14, 2009,
#2
Im not too fond of the last 2 lines of the 2nd stanza but i love the last line of the 3rd stanza. The oxymoron works great.
The last stanza is the best in the whole thing.
You should work on getting a chorus in there somewhere - if it is meant to be a song. And you could work on shortening the verses so it flows better.

Please comment on mine https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=18612295#post18612295

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=18613170#post18613170