#1
My friend's mother just recently passed away and lately his life has really been... let's just say it's not going well... at all. His mother had been battling a disease while he was trying to find work after being laid off and trying to take care of her at the same time. He also had a lot of debt that needed to be paid and he was pretty much forced to sell a lot of his possessions that he spent a lot of money on getting. I wrote song for him that kind of explains what he's been going through, with his mother passing being basically the last straw.

'You Can Have My Soul'

[v1]
Can't shake this hopeless feeling.
It's like I'm living in mud while trying to stay clean.
These days there's not much I can do for you.

Lately I try not to worry,
but it's getting harder with every step.
It's always one step forward and three steps back.

[chorus]
I've found myself trapped in this hell for way too long.
Thought it wouldn't last but my fate's grasp became too strong.
Trying to find some light in these dark times to make me whole.
I can't give you my life, but please have my soul.

[v2]
Walked out into the cold night.
The air's much colder now that you're not here with me.
The bitter cold can't numb my pain, can't take it away.

Like a scribbled page in a notebook,
my life is clustered with every move I make.
Try to turn the page but the ink soaked through.

[chorus]

[v3]
Sleep is merely a dream now.
Tried my best to keep my unclear thoughts at bay.
My mind's only open for memories of you.

[chorus]

[outro]
Can't shake this hopeless feeling.
It's like I'm living in mud while trying to stay clean.
These days there's not much I can do for me.


What do you think? C4C.
#3
Not yet, but I have the idea for the music in my head and it will work it's way through my fingers sooner or later.
#4
know it didnt exactly end well but i think the chorus needs to be bit more uplifting? like i know its a sad song so i think an uplifting chorus would really help it out more.


sorry to hear about his loss
Gear:
Jackson DK2 Trans Black

Peavey 6505
Marshall 1960AV
#5
cut the preamble, let the piece stand on its own - if it cant, you havent written it well enough to communicate the emotions it is supposed to represent.