#1
I stood in the window of the lounge,
watching hired hands unload a couch
across the road. A new neighbour,
rich in dark mahogany furniture.

After lunchtime I caught a glimpse,
all boxed hands and backs bent tense.
Through planks and plinths I crossed
to offer a bottle and glasses, a toast,

though the words melted away in the thud
of new nails hammering into fresh wood.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Feb 14, 2009,
#3
I stood in the window of the lounge,
No you didn't. You stood in the bay... or in front of it, or at it
watching hired hands unload a couch
across the road.I don't like 'unload' a couch 'across the road'. Unload it from the van yes, across the road? No. A new neighbour,
rich in dark mahogany furniture.
Thereare no light mahogany woods, good use of 'rich' though

After lunchtime I caught a glimpse,
all boxed hands and backs bent tense.
Through planks and plinths I crossed
to offer a bottle and glasses, a toast,

This was quality

though the words melted away in the thud
of new nails hammering into fresh wood.

I think taht finishes it well. Maybe melted is the wrong word though, not sure.

In my sig if you want to crit back
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#4
He is standing in the glass.
It is being unloaded across the road.
He is the dark furniture, dark for emphasis, that's all.

This is my favourite piece from you.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
You can stand in a window, Stu. I'm standing in one right now, looking at you. I understand your point on unload, but with "unload a couch across the road" you get a much more visual, moving image then "unload out the van, then took across the road". It's all done in one shot, basically, if you were shooting it in a film.

Katherine, you're post somewhat confused me, lol.

Thankyou you three. I shall return.
#6
Sorry for the confusion. I saw the standing in the window as the character standing inside the framework of the house, as part of the building, being transparent and allowing the newcomer in to take over his own building, but also as being wary, hard cut (it was a response to Stu's post).

And yeah, I really, really enjoyed this.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Quote by Jammydude44
You can stand in a window, Stu. I'm standing in one right now, looking at you. I understand your point on unload, but with "unload a couch across the road" you get a much more visual, moving image then "unload out the van, then took across the road". It's all done in one shot, basically, if you were shooting it in a film.


I don't know what you mean by 'you can stand in a window' unless it's some colloquialism, i'd never say stand 'in' a window.

And I understand why you did it, I just don't like it. I think it clunks. The answer to that is, don't write "unload out the van, then took across the road'. It's dodging reality for the ease of writing. It kind of comes down to how you want to approach writing, but that's what I think.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#8
They're unloading a sofa across the road. That makes sense! It's not entirely usual sentence structure, but it makes sense
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
Quote by DigUpHerBones
They're unloading a sofa across the road. That makes sense! It's not entirely usual sentence structure, but it makes sense


But they're not, that's why Jamie responded by writing that idea of 'they unloadit, then took it across the road'.

You unload things from vans, you carry them across roads, you take them into houses. You don't unload things across roads, at least not in the scenario he has set up.

I think he's getting round this problem by deciding it's not a problem (which is fine, I, personally, just don't like it). I think it is a problem though.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish