#1
monday morning misery
as the rain pours down relentlessly.
she's drifting with the rhythms
of the rest of the world,
silently.


but the thoughts of her lover
carried her like the tide; strong
steering the broken ship
towards the eye of the storm;
home.



edited again.
still hate it.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Feb 15, 2009,
#2
I liked this, the only thing i'd change is the brackets on "Anywhere but there" id have put the on the same line with a comma.

Very nice.
#3
first impression: not a bad piece of work. very human, some nice images. you used a ton of alliteration, which on my first read was annoying and pretentious-sounding, but I might grow to like it. I'll get back to this.

Also: The fact that you post in size 1 text makes me less willing to read what you've written. If it's for thematic purposes, go ahead and keep it. If you're just trying to build an "image", then scrap it.
#4
Quote by ginjaninja
monday morning misery, as the train
pulled into platform three, and
the rain poured down relentlessly;
she drifted with the rhythms
silently.

Last line break breaks rhythm; only low point via rhythm. The "platform three" bothered me; but I always hate when someone picks a random number for the piece simply to make it rhyme... makes it feel less believable and hollow to me. I'd break after misery... let the alliteration dominate its own line. Actually; "rhythms silently" is a terrible phrase to me sonically. they are just anti-particles to one another... one sort of cancels out he sonics of the other and just leaves a bland phrase.

but her head was elsewhere
(anywhere but there)
and the thoughts of her lover
wrapped her in warmth.
his arms; strong
steered her like a broken ship
after being dashed on the rocks
towards the eye of the storm;
home.

This seemingly comes out of nowhere. In such a small piece; any wasted space is a travesty; and I feel like your last idea is wasted space unless its better integrated. It's like tacking on an idea to follow an intro without making the intro correspond to it. Feels like you need to really integrate this whole idea through; as its central. there isn't enough shock value to make it work in that manner either. Also the first four don't really seem to flow. They might have a rhythm; but its not fluid in the idea sense. They are all headed the same direction; but its like water smashing into rocks... it all goes down hill eventually... but via a lot of different paths. Without that fluid ideological tie-down... the second stanza just starts out rough... and it never regains momentum. This was a bit of a letdown.


Develop more. Don't waste space if you are writing in a "small" form. You need to make sure every idea that becomes central is integrated to its maximum potential. The lover crashing her thing just sort of came into a clean beautiful picture... but not in a way that "said something" just it sort of came in... like an actor tripping while off stage and landing in the middle of the scene; but not in a dramatic way. It's just sort of an annoyance; unless that character is already developed to be comedic... in which case it serves a purpose. You need to define and develop the "lover" idea; or at least a "she's sad" idea to give that idea some validation and really let it impact the reader to a depth it should.



-zC
#5
zach, i feel like i should be paying you for this.

you never disappoint, and one day i hope to write something that'll shut you up

edited.
#6
and the thoughts of her lover
wrapped her tight in his warmth.


elsewhere, lover and his don't go together, and I'm not sure I like home at the end, either. It's an image bordering on boring, when the rest of this piece is much better than that.

I enjoyed it, but I think it still needs more work. I thought the first verse was very sweet, well written and lovely.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Quote by ginjaninja
monday morning misery
as the rain pours down relentlessly.
she's drifting with the rhythms
of the rest of the world,
silently.


but her head was elsewhere
and the thoughts of her lover
wrapped her tight in his warmth.
arms; strong
steered her like a broken ship
towards the eye of the storm;
home.


To begin, this is good work. I certainly enjoyed it. The first stanza is nice, if a little simple, and the way in which the word "rhythms" slicks with "rest of the world" is very simple and intelligent. It's not all quite what I want to read, though. You see, the problem with a piece as short as this, you have to make sure everything is just downright awesome. Everything has to have something in it that is brilliant. No exceptions.
"as the rain pours down relentlessly." - This is not downright awesome, this is downright decent, that's it.

The second verse - first off, has too many "her's". Secondly, it's not as "nice" as the first verse, which detracts from the piece. If you continued with the honest, handsome writing, then it would of turned out to be more consistent and memorable. There is a strong character to the writing and it needs to be continued throughout the piece, not just in small sections. It does in a poem like this, anyway.

- "and the thoughts of her lover
wrapped her tight in his warmth.
arms; strong"
- This was a little pretentious and bland. It's all a little too happy and chirpy without any real warmth to it (pun definitely intended)
The line breaks are not bad at all, but then again, you can't really get them "wrong" in a piece like this.

That's about all I have to say. I guess it would of been nicer to see more character and more "uooumph" to the poem, but it's not a serious quibble.

Nice work.

Digitally Clean
#8
eurgh, thats it,, im not going to post anything until i like it now.
(see you guys after eternity)


thanks, people, edited again, although i have doubts that this can be saved.