#1
will be a series.


heresy the handsome ghost pt1

her hair woven
into sunday morning,
chest fallen, sigh,
dressed in time
for the new boy in town.
he says he's a christian
and
he's
been
saved
because
he says he's a christian,
and she needs to feel saved.

he goes to the old church
on wellington
as opposed to the new one
on park,
because it's closer to his faith
or so she's heard
and so she hopes.
she should get there early
and save him a seat
with extra money for collection
so she doesn't look cheap.

though they've never even spoken,
so first they'll have to meet.
she could greet him at the church doors,
welcome him with desperation
disguised as grace and warmth
as if it were her home.

in the back of her mind she knows
she's neither properly ordained
nor properly adorned. Regardless,
she fishes through her purse
for her keys and a stick of gum
as she exits her front door.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Feb 14, 2009,
#2
Really liked this, the third stanza in perticular. It could imagine what was going on in my mind.

Origional theme aswell.
#4
I really like. The first half of the stanza got me hooked into it, and the ending made me want more. Post pt. 2 soon please!
#5
Intro was much slower than the rest of the piece; and had none of the word play "charm" that the rest did. at least it wasn't as noticeable for me. Really started me out in a bad way; just feels like it needs a quick build and a tone more suited to that in the rest of the piece.

Interesting story type thing though; I'll read the next fo 'rizzle.
#6
For me, the first half of the first stanza just didn't quite work. The idea of 'Sunday morning' and 'chest fallen' and 'sigh' make me think she's in bed, and the hair image was kind of like it was spread across a pillow rather than having been made up for church. So once the 'dressed in time' comes in, it's too quick a jump in time for me to take in with only a comma in between the two.

The rest of this was wonderfully written and certainly interesting, and I'll be looking out for the next
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
^Leave it to the girl to tell me I did the hair imagery wrong.

Thanks everyone. I'll see what I can do with the beginning.