#1
"Pain I feel, not easily revealed"
"crying inside, but outside is still"
"heartbroken, with only sleep to deal"
"this pain makes me all to real"

"pain consumes me, with feelings of hate"
"while i lie in bed, i can see my fate"
"only god can judge me, but i feel its to late"
"I wish i could destroy, this person i have made"


what do you think

too many rhymes ????
#2
Well, aside from being kinda cliche`, late and made in the last two lines don't rhyme, and it's not that there's too much rhyming, just that there's too many predictable rhymes.
Do you feel warm within your cage?

And have you figured out yet -


Life goes by?
Quote by Hydra150
There's a dick on Earth, too
It's you
#3
I'm sorry, but it is very cliched, so cliched in fact that it says nothing new and comes off as trite.

And the rhymes sound highly forced.
#4
Read the forum rules please, specifically regarding thread titles. Thanks.

And a tip... It's far from necessary to put quotations around every line (in this piece you don't need any), it actually makes the piece look horrible.


*reported*