#1
Try and hide it
your intended affliction
I see the lies
reassured by susipicion
this is goodbye

Flood gates to emotion
release the storm
within my soul
battered, bruised and torn
was this your goal?

I take another sip
to forgot the pain
and forget the lies
all that remains
are the tears I cry

Try and hide it
your intended affliction
I see the lies
reassured by susipicion
this is goodbye

You lie to me
leave me with nothing
but this internal confliction
longing for something
more than a broken addiction

Take away my sancutary
turn on me
like a heartless fiend
let me be
spread my wings

Try and hide it
your intended affliction
I see the lies
reassured by susipicion
this is goodbye

This isnt finished yet but Im stuck so I figured I would post it and see what yall thought C4C any tips would be appericated

EDIT: This will be done by sunrise I wrote this song because I thought my girlfriend was cheatin on me, and I just found out she was
Last edited by therealtater at Feb 15, 2009,
#2
When you said y'all in the text after your lines, it changed my view of this song. It makes me think of a country song now, and the "drinking lines"(11-15) do it for me. It's the classic, cliched element of all country, broken-hearted songs. It works here...to me anyway... It seems to me like with another verse or two you could actually change the genre feel from country to more rockish if that's what you're going for... Kudos.
I'M IN THE FIGHT TO CURE CYSTIC FIBROSIS...MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!


Quote by JustRooster
I'm a straight man, but I'd put that surfcaster right in my mouth.



Quote by JD2k9
Well, life is like a penis.
Women make it hard.
Also, it's short but seems long when it gets hard.
#3
Quote by Just_a_picker
When you said y'all in the text after your lines, it changed my view of this song. It makes me think of a country song now, and the "drinking lines"(11-15) do it for me. It's the classic, cliched element of all country, broken-hearted songs. It works here...to me anyway... It seems to me like with another verse or two you could actually change the genre feel from country to more rockish if that's what you're going for... Kudos.


haha it was suppose to be a rock song I put yall outta habit Im going to add on I just dont know where to take if from here
#4
Yeah, when I saw your location, I thought to myself "typical fellow Southerner. We say 'y'all' they say 'you's' or 'you 'uns' or 'ye 'uns' 'you's guys' or 'you all'. Tomato, patahto."

Perhaps somehow going into the reasons for the feelings and actions of your first two verses would be a good idea...?
I'M IN THE FIGHT TO CURE CYSTIC FIBROSIS...MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!


Quote by JustRooster
I'm a straight man, but I'd put that surfcaster right in my mouth.



Quote by JD2k9
Well, life is like a penis.
Women make it hard.
Also, it's short but seems long when it gets hard.
#6
Quote by therealtater
Try and hide it
your intended affliction
I see the lies
reassured by susipicion
this is goodbye

Good stanza, I espescially like the last line

Flood gates to emotion
release the storm
within my soul
battered, bruised and torn
was this your goal?

Another good stanza, I'm interested in seeing how the rhyming would sound in a song

I take another sip
to forgot the pain
and forget the lies
all that remains
are the tears I cry

This is an ok stanza, but it doesn't seem as creative as the first two stanzas. It's a tad cliche and it reminds me of a lot of the country my mom listens to haha

Try and hide it
your intended affliction
I see the lies
reassured by susipicion
this is goodbye


This isnt finished yet but Im stuck so I figured I would post it and see what yall thought C4C any tips would be appericated

Overall, I think this has potential to be a really good song. It could do have a slightly more original third stanza, but that's just my personal opinion.
#8

Try and hide it
your intended affliction
I see the lies
reassured by susipicion
this is goodbye
i like it tough i'm not sure wether it's a good idea to start with the chorus

Flood gates to emotion
release the storm
within my soul
battered, bruised and torn
was this your goal?
i like this. it really shows your feelings

I take another sip
to forgot the pain
and forget the lies
all that remains
are the tears I cry
not really much to say about this either

Try and hide it
your intended affliction
I see the lies
reassured by susipicion
this is goodbye

You lie to me
leave me with nothing
but this internal confliction
longing for something
more than a broken addiction
it feels like there's comming more but there isn't. it's a bit dissapointing

Take away my sancutary
turn on me
like a heartless fiend
let me be
i'll spread my wings
might be me but i dont think the last sentence fits

Try and hide it
your intended affliction
I see the lies
reassured by susipicion
this is goodbye


i actualy quite like it but it feels a bit repetitive because you're telling how you feel in every stanza. Maybe telleing about what happened, about how you found out, would make this a great song tbh. I like it tough.
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
#10
thanks alot for the crit much appreciated im glad you enjoy my writing i dont feel as noobish at it =] thank you.
#11
Quote by therealtater
Try and hide it
your intended affliction
I see the lies
reassured by susipicion
this is goodbye

I really love this chorus though it is very sad. =\ but i can almost relate. i feel like that all the time just because of so many people liking my gf and not so much her liking them lol. im insecure. but anyways great stanza

Flood gates to emotion
release the storm
within my soul
battered, bruised and torn
was this your goal?

nice metaphors used i like it =] try and play with the syllables to obtain a better flow of words. i have the same problem... but then again it all depends on how the song is thought of by the writer. so great job =]


I take another sip
to forgot the pain
and forget the lies
all that remains
are the tears I cry

This has excellent flow superb stanza =]

Try and hide it
your intended affliction
I see the lies
reassured by susipicion
this is goodbye

You lie to me
leave me with nothing
but this internal confliction
longing for something
more than a broken addiction

arghhh your very good at this =o! i really like "but this internal confliction longing for something"

Take away my sancutary
turn on me
like a heartless fiend
let me be
spread my wings

this is again depending on how you pictured it it doesnt seem to flow with me great words, play with syllables =]


Try and hide it
your intended affliction
I see the lies
reassured by susipicion
this is goodbye

This isnt finished yet but Im stuck so I figured I would post it and see what yall thought C4C any tips would be appericated

EDIT: This will be done by sunrise I wrote this song because I thought my girlfriend was cheatin on me, and I just found out she was


Sorry about your gf dude that really sucks so bad. i hope you have better luck in the future.
#12
Nah, you've already critted my ''Dark Clouds''
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
#14
this song was very well written n seemed like you thought out every aspect of it. the only critique I have is that the wording may be a little too complex for a song, because the vocabulary isn't every days' words. the listener might have to work too hard to get the words, and thus wud need a strong, catchy tune to keep the listener coming back. lyrics are only half the song