#1
My baby's cracking at the seams
as history bursts
from the browned bridge
from the yellowed binding

Her bitter fretboard is desperate to deal
with a time that sings so sweetly

- but don't hold on to her too tightly -

Her voice has been getting weaker
since 1990;
she hasn't been tied so close
to anybody
since Mandela's release

and the sound was long forgotten
by 1993;
the year my granddad died
and his history
was left to rest in my hands.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Feb 17, 2009,
#3
Quote by DigUpHerBones
temporary title.

My baby's cracking at the seams
as history bursts
from the browned bridge. Why the full stop here? Throws the flow.
From the yellowed binding. This is where the full stop should be.

Her voice has been getting weaker
since 1990: Make this a semi-colon
she hasn't been tied so close
to anybody
since Mandela's release


Just nitpicking. I enjoyed this once I actually worked out what it was about. That stemmed from my own idiocy and tendancy to look into things too much, not you work. A nice short piece about something nice and simple.
#4
Quote by DigUpHerBones
temporary title.

My baby's cracking at the seams
as history bursts
from the browned bridge.
From the yellowed binding.
I don't like the word "seams"; I find it to be cliched. Also, I find the line breaks in this to be a little off putting. Your first line is quite long comparaed to the others, especially in syllables, and therefore makes for a stuttered, very on-the-spot read. "browned bridge" is certainly interesting and I'm still churning it over to decide what it's significance is and whether I like it or not. Then there is a fullstop and a new sentence begins, which feels distant, but close at the same time. Once again, I find myself in desperation as to what to think of it all. It seems a little funny, actually. Like it made me smile, when that's not really your style.

Her bitter fretboard is desperate to deal
with a time that sings so sweetly
but her bones cannot hold a tune
when turned by fingers
wary of any major progression.
I don't like the line break of the first line, and the whole line itself I'm not overly keen on. I quite like the quirkiness of the following three lines, though. It's very different from you, but some of the ideas you've touched on before have been brought up again, which is one of the things I love about you.


Her voice has been getting weaker
since 1990:
she hasn't been tied so close
to anybody
since Mandela's release

and the sound was long forgotten
by 1993;
the year my granddad died
and his history
was left to rest in my hands.
This is quite weird, particularly for you. I'm still trying to figure out what it's about. It seems like it should be smacking me in the face, but it's not. Maybe I'm being too detailed with my overview.


Very different from you and I really liked it because of that...


EDIT: man, I've just read my critique... it sucks serious balls.
#5
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Very different from you and I really liked it because of that...



QFT
#6
I liked it. the flow and the content. There were parts that killed it for me. The first and last lines of the second stanza. Fretboard and major progression, specifically. Made everything too obvious, and too easy. I didn't like that. Everything else was good however - I mean, I can't really build on anything that the others said. They got it all covered.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1068834
#7
^ Unfortunately, although the idea of the guitar is all too obvious, and the politics comes through, I don't think the backstory is showing strong enough through here to hold it, so I think I'll keep the 'major progression' unless I can think of something better. It can sound too easy, but I doubt very much anyone quite gets the full story. Will have a look at the fretboard bit though. I'll edit this. I will I will I will.

As for now, the title has been changed by lovely Mr. Zach

I'd love for someone to emotionally tear this apart, and I'd love to return the favour.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Feb 16, 2009,
#8
Quote by DigUpHerBones

My baby's cracking at the seams
as history bursts
from the browned bridge
from the yellowed binding

I really liked this verse, I liked how you repeated from in the last two lines instead of using and


Her bitter fretboard is desperate to deal
with a time that sings so sweetly
but her bones cannot hold a tune
when turned by fingers
wary of any major progression.

This is okay, I dont really like it the flow seems a little werid to be honest but thats just me its probably the way I read it though

Her voice has been getting weaker
since 1990;
she hasn't been tied so close
to anybody
since Mandela's release

I liked this verse, theres just something about it that I like I cant really figure out what though

and the sound was long forgotten
by 1993;
the year my granddad died
and his history
was left to rest in my hands.

I really like this, I can relate to it a lot


I really liked this piece, if you dont mind criting one of mine, Untitlied OTS, I would appericate it and sorry if this seems harsh in a couple places
#9
I have edited, I don't think I'm happy with it, I'll edit more.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
I think I'm going to come in and attempt to massacre this in a while.


BACK


Quote by DigUpHerBones
My baby's cracking at the seams
as history bursts
from the browned bridge
from the yellowed binding

The very way this begins is hugely off putting to me. I don't exactly know why... but it had an air of "trying to hard" and not saying enough to hook anyone. You didn't approach any sort of content here; and simply threw out hollow "colour" images iwthout really touching on anything. "History bursts" is a terrible image if there is no setup behind it; and generally I felt this didn't do anything; which is terrible news for an opener.

Her bitter fretboard is desperate to deal
with a time that sings so sweetly

- but don't hold on to her too tightly -

This would be infinitely better as an opener. Bring those three together, drop the ending hyphen and let it breathe without the gimmick undertone.


Her voice has been getting weaker
since 1990;
she hasn't been tied so close
to anybody
since Mandela's release

I'm not seeing a direct reason to draw on the history thing. You set it up (kinda before) but the setup was so sloppy that I didn't see this coming (in the bad way). I didn't know history was even a topic to be intertwined or considered. And beyond that; I felt this whole section was weak. So far, this really isn't taking off. Not really developing a solid tone through it... and no sonics to carry me down the page (which is normally what makes your writing very Katherine).

and the sound was long forgotten
by 1993;
the year my granddad died
and his history
was left to rest in my hands.

These two ideas were so loosely tied together (history and sound thing) that this had none of the impact you wanted it to. You could have just written this stanza and elicited the same response from me... which was very little.



Sorry wifey, I just feel like this stuttered at the beginning and never really got on track to anywhere until right at the end.... and as soon as you hit some content the ride was over. This just didn't do much for me at all; because I feel like you didn't a) present much and b) really dive into what you were presenting (and subsequently immerse me in it as well).

Motherf*cker in the sig if you want.
#11
i think the story elaborates it's meaning so clearly at the end.
it's quite touching, Katherine.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#12
Quote by DigUpHerBones

I haven't taken the time to read the other crits of this, so sorry if I'm repetitive.
My baby's cracking at the seams
as history bursts
from the browned bridge
from the yellowed binding
I am starting to really dislike lines that start with "as". Not only that, but I thought that line was far too short in any case. Other than the second line, I thought the rest of it was pretty good. The first line really hooked me, and resonated once I found out what this was about (at least on the surface).
Her bitter fretboard is desperate to deal
with a time that sings so sweetly

- but don't hold on to her too tightly -
The second adverb was icky. Maybe find another way to structure the sentence?
Her voice has been getting weaker
since 1990;
she hasn't been tied so close
to anybody
since Mandela's release
The stanza and the few lines before it really got literal, didn't they. It fits, I guess, with the tone. I didn't like the "anybody" rhyme.
and the sound was long forgotten
by 1993;
the year my granddad died
and his history
was left to rest in my hands.
This last stanza felt very deliberate. Filled with... feeling old? I don't really know how to describe it. I'm getting a series of images very strongly in my head, and I can almost smell must coming off the words. Maybe that's not what you intended to communicate, but that's what I got. 1993/history was very nice.


This was a piece that really created an impression for me, but it didn't seem to have too much for me to dig into, if you know what I mean. I read it, enjoyed it, and didn't feel like I was missing anything at all.

...which probably means that I'm really, really not getting it. In any case, sorry for rambling on a bit. If you get a chance, I would appreciate you looking at the link in my signature.
#13
Thank you everybody. This has gotten far too much attention now

It's a personal piece, about my granddad, who died before I was born. He was a Communist economist trade unionist in South Africa during apartheid. Was put under house arrest for having too much to say/sing when my mum was three, and Mandela was his lawyer so tried to make a deal, but they basically told him that if he left the house, they'd kill him, so my family escaped and came to England. The guitar is a Gibson J-47 from 1945, and it's falling apart really. It plays beautifully, smells of oldness and just feels incredible to hold. I've always felt a strong need to live for him.

Thanks, everyone. I will reply graciously, I hope Kick me if I don't.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!