#1
Empty eyes that pass me by,
When seasons fall and lovers cry,
Straight and true my love does fly,
As her empty eyes just pass me by.

I’ve seen her come; I’ve seen her go,
When seasons fall and lovers grow,
I cannot grasp the water’s flow,
I see her best in sunlight glow.

I see the glint; I see the flair,
When seasons fall and lovers care,
I saw her first at the moonlit fair,
I see it still; that empty stare.

But mine eyes, they’ll always see,
When seasons fall and lovers be,
Missing words do seem to flee,
A whole new life in only three.
#2
Quote by Captain Scarlet
Empty eyes that pass me by,
When seasons fall and lovers cry,
A full stop is required at the end of this line. This is not a bad way to open something at all. There is something that is a little stale about it, though. It could be the rhyming, which is about as dry as you could possibly go. That said, they're not overtly cheesy and do play a role of simplicity that pieces like this often need - it lends a sweet poetical sense of itself (only when done properly)
Or, it could be the word "empty" combined with the overly simple phrases of "pass me by" and "cry". I don't know for sure.
With all that said, I liked way the word "fall" coincides with "seasons".

Straight and true my love does fly,
I don't like "straight and true" - it's cheap and lazy. Also, there is no need to capatilize the start of every sentence. It's not grammatically correct and ruins the flow.
As her empty eyes just pass me by.
This is effective use of repetition.


I’ve seen her come; I’ve seen her go,
"I've seen her go" is uneccesary when said in this way. You could either remove it or re-word it with a little more pinache, descretion and a little less chintzy.

When seasons fall and lovers grow,
I cannot grasp the water’s flow,
I see her best in sunlight glow.
I quite like this. It's sweet and honest.


I see the glint; I see the flair,
When seasons fall and lovers care,
I saw her first at the moonlit fair,
"moonlit fair" - ughh.
I see it still; that empty stare.
"empty" - once again is bland and well... empty.
I'm not very keen on this verse.


But mine eyes, they’ll always see,
This is trying too hard to be poetic and I don't like it. It's the word "mine eyes" that I really had such strong distate for.
When seasons fall and lovers be,
Missing words do seem to flee,
I like this, but it could be re-worded.

A whole new life in only three.
A solid verse.


I enjoyed this. Stay away from all that poetical nonsense, and I'll be looking for your next one with glee.

BTW, I love your name.
#3
Hey,
Thanks for the critique, there are alot of useful points in there.

Refering to verse three I'm not too keen on it either, but that said there is a lot that can be change through the whole thing as I know and you pointed out.

All in all I do like this and think that it is a very solidly written base which can be improved into something really good.

Oh cheers about the name!