#1
crit4crit

BROKEN HEARTS FOR BROKEN TOYS

Ever since they took away
My night-light, I’ve been afraid
Of sleeping all alone.
So I grabbed my blanket
Crawled beneath the bed
Where I feel safe and warm.
The monsters here at least
Refuse to abandon me
Or leave me on my own.

But when you stare at the floor too long
You tend to forget there’s a Heaven above

Before I went to bed
I read about a princess
Locked away in a tower.
And I pray to her each night
But my voice cannot climb
To where the angels are.
So these devils that I found
Hold me while I kiss the ground
Where footsteps bring flowers.

But when you stare at the floor too long
You tend to forget there’s a Heaven above

I wish I could be
A naïve little boy,
Not know a broken heart
Only broken toys.
Life was so simple
When my only worry
Was the boogeyman
And bullies pinning me.

But when you stare at the floor too long
You tend to forget there’s a Heaven above
Last edited by themarsvolta at Aug 25, 2009,
#2
Hey good job I liked it the image that I invisioned while reading this keep on writing
Music is like cand, Throw away the Rappers
#3
I'd really like to hear this when/if you record it. I envision it being like one of Zeppelin's slower acoustic jams, like Going to California. The last verse coupled with the chorus brings the song together and I feel like it brought me to where you were when you wrote it. I might take change the night-light line, it just doesn't seem to fit. It's almost like the song doesn't start until the "the monsters here at least" line. Overall good job, please let me know when you record it!

Appreciate it!
#5
Ah top stuff Joseph.

Great use of childtalk and big ideas.

I'll kick myself if you don't become something someday.

I owe you like a bajillion crits, write something bad and I'll jump it.
#7
You are such a consistent writer. Everytime you post something, I look forward to reading it. Some I connect with more, some not so much.
This didn't hit hard, but it did have a lonesome, sadening feel to it that would be easily disregarded for something else, which would be foolish. I think the best to look at this is just to simply read it over and over and not think about it too much. I don't mean that in a insulting way, I hope it comes across as being complimentory.
The honesty and disconnection is eerie. Very good work.
#8
Oh god
I nostalgia'd so bad when i read this
I just wanna be a kid again
This was extremely well written. It brought back a lot of sights and sounds from my childhood.
The imagery in this is phenomenal.
#9
I just want to thank you for this little gem:

My night-light


any mentions like this I'm all for. This was a very cool little piece, I liked how at least the monsters in your room don't leave you all alone. But, this part:

But when you stare at the floor too long
You tend to forget there’s a Heaven above


I think that it was this part's 'responsibility' if you will to kind of bring this piece back and to explain how this piece is relevant, - what's the story going on here? Why the look back into childhood innocence? I take it staring at the floor is a metaphor, but for what I have no idea. I hope it stands for mugging an old lady and leaving her on the pavement screaming 'thief' while you run away with her pocketbook / broken pocketbook strap. And the Heaven part - what about us anti-theistic agnostics? is this not for us? besides that, good show man. if you have a few spare minutes/seconds:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1071246
#10
Wow. That's amazing! I love how the song actually has a meaning unlike the stuff I write...