#1
MAJOR ADDITIONS SUBTRACTIONS AND CHANGES MADE.
Please consider reading again.

"lighters tend to walk away
with people, Alex."

there is a pause

"let's say our name at the
end of every sentence
when we speak, Alex."
-I'll try, Alex.

we have the same
name. she likes that.
it is her hook into my skull.
it is smoky chess and tug of war.
strength. strategy.
we must know each other
conquer each other

it is hard to see that when you are
stoned.
harder to see when you are
not.
we all hook each other to play
social.

there are people
strangers and friends
on mushrooms, on ecstasy,
of course on THC
and on other chemicals,
the lingo of which
will date too quickly
to immortalize
in ink.
they're a part of society. this
society. tin bomb shelters
from the conquest.

despite extensive small talk, I
really can’t tell how high they are.
or who's winning. or if anyone
wins.

in general, the room is
lighter-spark yellow.
my lighter
stolen, I figure,
maybe lost to the clutter-décor.
cavemen did not have this problem
upon domestication of fire:
“who has a lighter?”
what a sophisticated problem.

Alex and her friend
go outside to smoke
cigarettes, and some people
smoke inside anyway.
move on,
on to new people.
heavy and empty,
their talk is
cage-like
lead.

"how are you"
"I haven't heard a word out of you."
"how are you"
“how are you”

I can't tell
how I am
nor anything else.
the way I sound, look,
my eyes...

but Bridget says,
based on seconds of nothing,
"you're a really nice person."

Rastaman tells me, though
I don’t believe him about the first part,
"she's a lesbian for sure." and
"there's too much dick in here."

I remember being in my
often empty backyard
of my rarely empty house
sucking off cigarettes and
brown-gray coffee
like teenagers do,
looking for inspiration
on who I ought
to be.

how did I end up
here with the street-hip
socialites of this building,
where trendy books,
semi-exotic candles,
strings of sky light
on the wall, and
my new walking lighter
all bear silent witness
to silent parties?

an announcement:
"you guys can
drink
the
beer.
that's what it's there for."

a rumble through the door
from the porch.

"is your full name Alexander?"
-my birth certificate just says Alex, Alex
"guess my full name, Alex"
-I don't know, Alex…

hurt silence

-Alexandria?

the hook
hooks deeper

Eric is here
dressed, inexplicably,
in a suit. He
does not know why
either. but he believes in it’s
cool unique (attention-hungry)
virtue.
"would I be a martyr
if I die?"
-you mean when you die

hurt realization

-you would be a martyr
for suits
for the 40s
for blue Christmas lights as normal lights
for matches on the coffee table
for unread books
for smoking on the porch
for "fuck it - I'll smoke where I want."
for a simple mess on the floor
for the artistry of pipe and bong glasswork
it all has worth.

Everything in her
apartment, number seven,
a result of so many
nothings.

a television turns on
it says:
nevertheless
most of the mass
in an atom
is in the nucleus.
the electrons are,
by comparison,
just bits
of
fluff.
atoms are mainly
empty space.
matter is composed
chiefly
of
nothing.
Last edited by DorkusMalorkus at Feb 16, 2009,
#2
wow. I don't think i could do a full crit, but I'll come back and point out bits that seemed off. but, wow.

nice
#3
I really enjoy your writing.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
This is a hard one to crit stanza by stanza.
I love anything dealing with cigarettes and alcohol and there's an abundance here.

One verse that stuck out:
for cards on the coffee table
for blue Christmas lights
as normal lights
for a simple mess on the floor
for smoking on the porch
for "**** it - I'll smoke where
I want."
for the 40s
for the artistry
of pipe and bong glasswork.
it all has worth.

Also, I notice that you tend to write about females a lot for someone of your *ahem* disposition. Any reason, might I ask?
Poor advice.
#5
I guess that just happens. I try to draw from real people (I did in this one). I guess a lot of them happened to be about girls because I relate to them better, but I wouldn't put a lot of stock into that guess. And it definitely takes out a sexual aspect of it, which I guess I try to do, if I am afraid of a misunderstanding.
#8
i liked this a lot, but at the same time, i felt the way it was laid out made a lot of impression that it wasn't intended for, good and bad.
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#9
Overall it's a strong piece, there are certain parts that are weaker than others or that feel a bit messy. It's the longest piece I've actually finished reading on here, so that says something about how engaged I remained throughout it. The punctuation works, mostly. There were some places it stood out to me as awkward, but yeah. I gotta go out now, I'll try critique some of it later tonight or tomorrow in depth.

Kudos.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#11
this is the def the best I've read from you. I'm sure if I was awake I would have actual criticisms, but for now, I just want to say that I read it and enjoyed it quite a bit.
#12
I'm really starting to enjo this, especially after the changes. You paint a beautiful mad scene full of life and ****ed up characters
#13
The edit cut most of my concerns.
much stronger.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#14
Anything that feels moderately difficult to read feels right that way, it's all magic.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#15

the lingo of which
will date too quickly
to immortalize
in ink.


I felt that part was unnecessarily complicated.

Other than that, I liked this.
And the ending seemed to put the whole thing in perspective.
Meadows
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