#1
When Paul felt ashamed
for beating down his
donkey in the middle of the road,
I thought the same.
Like him, I had an image to retain
and we both had vain secrets:
his was of genocide;
mine was of hair.

If Saul was camera shy,
wouldn't God have lied?
And if the airport clerk
knew the guy in the picture,
wouldn't they all shoot me
where I stood?
I know I would.


Passport photographs;
“you can't live with them,
you can't live without them.”


Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Feb 17, 2009,
#2
"But like him,
I had an image to retain.
I had profound secrets to worry of."

"when you're standing on
the Eiffel Tower
with Brad Pitt.
-It's just ludicrous-
like the **** on my skin
and the grease in my hair.
Dangle a mirror in front of my face"

Flow weirdly in my head and have strange line breaks. Everything else was amazing
#3
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Sometimes,
I can walk down the street
and find my reflection in
anything that moves:
the water in the gutters
the window in the chip shop
the screen on my watch
the camera on my phone,
they all do the same
ashamed thing.
Not a bad way to start off. You're very lucid so far, and you've set up the character. But there wasn't a lot for me to be interested in. It doesn't seem like you chose your words with care, I guess. Just seemed like a very dry way to describe a situation.
When Paul felt the need to
reform from his ways The wording here is a bit off. "reform from"?
after beating down his donkey
in the middle of the road,
I thought I was the same.
But like him, I had an
image to retain. I had
profound secrets to worry of. Again... "worry of"?
Paul's was of murder;
mine was of hair.
Other than a few technical things that I mentioned, I liked this stanza much more than the last one. The rhyme was the best part. When read aloud, you could tell that it was rhyming and flowing sublimely, but you couldn't exactly detect where. Very nice.
“Camera shy” has now
become a clichéd statement.
No one wants to here you hear?
refuse a photograph
when you're standing on
the Eiffel Tower with Brad Pitt.
-It's just ludicrous- The dashes felt unnecessary
like the shit on my skin Ewwww. Couldn't you choose something else?
and the grease in my hair.
Dangle a mirror in front of my face
and I will never be idle again.
This could have been nauseatingly self-pitying, but you kept away from that for the most part. Nice.
Passport photograph's;
“you can't live with them,
you can't live without them.”

It took me a little while to connect this to the rest of the piece, but when I did, I liked it. Clever way to wrap things up.

Digitally Clean


Overall, this was a good piece of work. It didn't really hit me on any emotional level, but I could admire it from an intellectual standpoint and a technical one. If you did more with rhyme like that bit in the second stanza, this could really have been an achievement for you.
#4
The first stanza was very slow, and dull. you could cut the lines from water to the last one or two, and nothing would be missed. (although "gutter" had a nice string of connotations to it - especially coupled with the typically poetic image of rainwater.)

I think either drop the whole bit, or make each line worth something like that first one was.


Then from "mine was of hair" it was extremely mediocre; with the ratio tipping over to make it more angst driven than imagery - although I did enjoy those moments where you did go all out; brad pitt and the eiffel tower and the dangling mirror.

Also, with regards to the ending, I think a little is needed to really emphasize the emphasis, and personally I'd have the lines the other way around - seeing as not liking how you look is the key thing, it'd be nice to end with that rather than the government's rule on the situation.


"No one wants to here you"
Typo?
#5
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Sometimes,
I can walk down the street
and find my reflection in
anything that moves:
the window of the chip shop moves?
the water in the gutters
the window in the chip shop
of? I know, I know, but I think as a solid intro it would allow deeper thought with a link to something that makes sense
the screen on my watch
the camera on my phone,
I'm not sure if I like the order you've put these in, but I probably do
they all do the same
ashamed thing.
that ashamed just begs to be pronounced with 3 syllables, and I'm not entirely sure whether or not I like pronouncing it so

When Paul felt the need to
reform from his ways
reform from? Hmm
after beating down his donkey
in the middle of the road,
I thought I was the same.
Time frame thing, when he did it, you were alive and thinking this?
Maybe some kind of he thought this and I used to think the same. Or some clarity if that is what you meant

But like him, I had an
don't like the line break written, but like it spoken maybe a ... Something playful as such
image to retain. I had
same
profound secrets to worry of.
worry of?
Paul's was of murder;
mine was of hair.


“Camera shy” has now
become a clichéd statement.
Maybe some link to the Bible here too, after so long it has become... You could add some great imagery here portraying movement in time with the scripture
No one wants to here you
hear
refuse a photograph
when you're standing on
the Eiffel Tower with Brad Pitt.
line breaks felt stale, the straightforwardness of the content felt bland
-It's just ludicrous-
like the shit on my skin
and the grease in my hair.
too straight forward to say ludicrous like the hair gel. Need to make us think
Dangle a mirror in front of my face
and I will never be idle again.

Passport photograph's;
no '
“you can't live with them,
you can't live without them.”



Digitally Clean


I know, I know. What a stale, technique obsessed critique. The way this is presented, it's not all that emotional, though (though I know you can change this if you let the idea and the image run away in your head). Do that and report back I'll give this some emotional rippings.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
I've edited as much as I feel I can, without drastically altering the piece. Thanks very much your help. What do people think of it now?
#8
Sometimes,
I can walk down the street and see my
reflection in anything that moves:
the screen on my watch,
the camera on my phone,
the water in the gutters,
this is the life that flutters
with every step taken forward.

First off, "Sometimes". Pointless. Get rid of it or put someting else there. As for the rest, you said "see my reflection in ANYTHING THAT MOVES" then listed two inanimate objects, and the third is almost inanimate. See the problem? The last two lines are the only good ones here.

When Paul felt ashamed
for beating down his donkey
in the middle of the road,
I thought the same.
Like him, I had an image to retain
and we both had vain secrets:
his was of genocide;
mine was of hair.

Yes! Yes yes yes yes yes! This is perfect, fantastic. The rhyming, the flow, the content, everything, fantastic. I'd start with this and ditch the whole first verse in my opinion. This is so good, probably one of the best things I've read from you.

If Saul was camera shy,
wouldn't God of of? wtf!?lied?
Like if the airport clerk
knew the guy in the picture,
wouldn't they all shoot me
where I stood?
I know I would.
Dangle a mirror in front of my face,
I won't follow it,
but I know at least I'll never be idle again.

The last three lines are a bit iffy, you're contradicting images. You're vain but you wont follow the mirror?


Passport photograph's;
“you can't live with them,
you can't live without them.”

No apostrophe in photographs. That's it. Nice ending


Digitally Clean


Hopefully you find some usefulness in amongst the rabble.
#9
Quote by AngryGoldfish



If Saul was camera shy,
wouldn't God of lied?


NONONONO
HAVEHAVEHAVHE

and even then its kinda....strange.


whatever, yeah I like this a lot better. It's a little less focused, but I guess that's what happens when you take away from what you used to have.

yeah i like it.

#10
Thanks for coming back, Sam. Kyle, I've decided the first stanza didn't do enough to warrant itself for being there, but the idea of the inanimate objects moving was that they did move when your body moved or when you stood in them. I wanted the show the blur of life and I wanted to compare a human to something inanimate. It doesn't matter now, though.

Thanks once again, folks. I might change this into a song, actually. I couldn't of done it without you!
#11
Yes! Now that, that is how this piece needed to be. Well done, Dan, this is great.
#12
hey, so it looks like this's been edited a bit, but i'm just going off of what's up right now

his was of genocide;
mine was of hair.


I didn't like word 'hair' here, but maybe I'm missing something. Partially because it only had one syllable; I see a 3 syllable word here (first one that comes to mind although prob wont work: lemonade)

guy-->man (1. because I think it's a better word, 2. because I don't like the rhyme in mid-sentence here wholeheartedly exactly)

seems like you juxtaposed a bit of Biblical stories with modern day - airports

it almost (definitely) leaves me wanting to hear more little 8-12 line stories about Biblical figures mashed with 2009 life. Like that Paul - Saul rhyme

and also, if this were a song, I see
where I stood? -- being sung right before a break at almost end of verse
I know I would. -- this being sung quick to a beat of silence, then right after 'would', chord hit w/ heavy distortion (or piano or whatever) into a (fast) music break

pretty cool
#13
I thought this was a solid piece. I don't like the first stanza as much as I feel like I should.


I mean it's a fair idea and well laid out. I just think the last two lines killed it. Their presentation was kinda forced sounding. The rest was solid.

I like this one. I don't think it's the best thing you've written but I think it doesn't have many flaws at all.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#15
Nitpick.

Quote by AngryGoldfish
When Paul felt ashamed
for beating down his
this line being a line is weird. Alone, it means nothing. I don't like it. The gap also leaves emphasis on the 'his' which isn't at all what you want
donkey in the middle of the road,
I thought the same.
still with time, but it's not bad
Like him, I had an image to retain
and we both had vain secrets:
his was of genocide;
does this really need to be a semi-colon? It feels odd with the colon before it, and it feels like a forced emphasis on the last line rather than letting it speak
mine was of hair.

If Saul was camera shy,
wouldn't God have lied?
And if the airport clerk
knew the guy in the picture,
not sure if this is obvious enough. This could bend towards you and then hit you in the face, and that'd be great. Movement
wouldn't they all shoot me
where I stood?
I know I would.


Passport photographs;
“you can't live with them,
you can't live without them.”
This is solid, yeah. But this is a punchline.


Digitally Clean


I feel you may have lost what you were trying to say. It's still fine.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#17
I don't like this anymore. I hate when this happens, I edit something so much, it just disappears. This was made into a song, as well, now I've got to re-write the bloody lyrics and we're jamming the song tonight. I hate myself.
#18
^ If the original goes with the song, it's fine, you don't need to rewrite anything.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#19
I don't like this anymore. I hate when this happens, I edit something so much, it just disappears. This was made into a song, as well, now I've got to re-write the bloody lyrics and we're jamming the song tonight. I hate myself.


it's better to record something that you aren't completely satisfied with than to not record at all

I wish I was recording my 'eh, I don't know, it's decent I guess' with my friends on a decent quality digital audio workstation, rather than just saying 'screw it, I can do better, - and not learning anything or growing at all from the recording in the later months/years (as I pretty much did).

also, just to spread this quote - in the hopes of giving you confidence, .. i.e. I'm not trying to say that this won't be good, .. on the contrary, I would love to hear a recording of a song using the exact lyrics / words / poetry you posted here, and I think I would genuinely like it ... but more in response to you saying 'I don't like this anymore'.. :

"Human artistic endeavors are typically born from a deep sense of shame. Only disgrace will entice a human to leave his or her place of security and risk his or her social standing. The first step to getting started with one's group therefore, is to perform in an unready state or to release a terrible recording with a hideous cover. Anything at all, just to create a humiliating object or event which must be transcended so as to obliterate it from the public consciousness."

This is a quote from a free booklet from the 2008 SXSW music festival entitled How To Start A Rock 'N' Roll Band by Ian Svenonius

again, not saying this applies to you, just to throw it out there in hopes of making you feel better, because:

I feel that recording this, in any way (in a way I trust your and your band's musicianship - just a feeling I have as I haven't heard any Poor Reves), would be good, far from terrible, but I'm trying to say that even if it is terrible, - it's good. dig?

woof
#20
+1 to that. it'd be a crime not to record this. Also, not everyone is going to like or get what you write, but what is more important than anything, is that you sta true to yourself. Don't do what ive done so many times before.
#21
Thanks you two, but it actually turns out that the boys didn't want lyrics for this, anyway. They wanted the song to be in spoken, poetry form, and we're going to ask my brother to see if he wants to write them.

So this can be closed. Thank you everybody.