#1
I looked into my golden wives wrinkled lines,
each one contains a memory,
although only about four are of me.
I wanted so bad to speak soft nothings into her ear,
but i just stood there and waited for her hand
to become deadweight in mine.
they say you can cut tension with a knife,
well i disagree,
how can you cut through something you can't even see?

there i stood by the side of a woman i never knew,
as the doctor pulled the plug and handed me the bill,
I promptly wrote him a check,
and asked for permission to remain standing still.

This isn't my fault.
It couldn't have been stopped.
Oh your so full of shit.
oh really, well what the hell was i supposed to do???
well maybe you could've put up a fight,
maybe you could've actually hired a lawyer for starters,
isn't that something your supposed to do?
fight for the ones you love?

Fuck you.
Ha, you do
on a daily basis,
and sometimes you pay for people to do it for you. haha

"Would you shut up!!!"
hahahahaha smooth move shooter,
look how everyones looking at you now,
feel insane?
well i guess sometimes murderers feel that way.

I didn't kill her alright,
she was merely surviving,
you couldnt have called that living.
Oh and your so much better?
mr. couldnt get the one he wanted so he settles for the one he can.
maybe if you weren't such a flimsy piece of driftwood
you wouldn't be standing in the middle of a hospital holding a bill
you can't afford to pay and walking away from the only women that loved you.
Maybe you would be sleeping with Danielle tonight???
Remember her?? yea, green eyes, long legs, ginormous breasts,
mmmm. and she was nice too. ya know that song ya wrote her,
i bet if you would've played it for her she wouldn't have gotten away.
ya dumbass.


I ran out of the building
and when i got home.
killed the last of the whiskey,
killed the dogs,
they never liked me anyway.
strangled the maid,
put on my sons bill clinton mask,
drove to Danielle's and
made
that
bitch
love
me!
Last edited by bluesybilly at Feb 18, 2009,
#4
yeah, i'm just as much help as kdownes there.
that was really good D; and i'm speechless on what I can say.
I really loved it.
#6
- "I looked into my golden wives wrinkled lines,
each one contains a memory,
although only about four are of me."


- This feels like it should be 'containing.' Or, maybe put a different grammatically break instead of a comma after "lines"?

- "Oh your so full of shit.
oh really, well what the hell was i supposed to do???"


- You brought in this 'other-side' a little too abrutely, and are we supposed to imagine that you know him very well already and have had daily conversations with him? It's not a big quibble, in fact, I could be off, but it's just something I noticed when reading it over a number of times.

- "Ha, you do on a daily basis,"


- This feels a little oddly worded.

- "she was merely surviving,
you couldnt have called that living."


- I don't think "merely" is the best word to use to describe what you are trying to say. "couldnt" = couldn't

- "maybe if you weren't such a flimsy piece of driftwood
you wouldn't be standing in the middle of a hospital holding a bill"


- I love the way you falter into more standard poetry here, than return to the story and method you originally had; it adds texture, depth and just breaks things up a bit.

I actually think the ending is not as strong as you may imagine. It is probably one of the weaker parts - that said, those few occasions are in no way bad.

This is very good work. I think it was fantastically written and flows powerfully.

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