Just a little story for the Pit, and my english teacher {Warning, nearly 500 words}

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#1
He only stopped screaming when he died. It was loud, and messy, but I didn’t care, he deserved all of it. The house was empty that night, except for James and I When everything was finally clean, the blood was gone; the knife had been thrown into the neighbor’s yard, all was left was James’ body.

I hope he learned his lesson, what he did couldn’t be forgiven; I had to show him that. A flash of anger, and a burning impulse, and he was done. The one thing I loved was now in ashes. My favourite teddy bear is gone; I would never see Fred again. Everyone hated Fred, but he was mine. Daddy tried to buy me toys and bikes, but I would never get rid of Fred.

Fred and I had a special kind of bond. We we’re closer than any best friends have ever been. He was always in my bed waiting for me to get home from school, and he would always listen to me if I needed to talk to someone. Fred wasn’t like the other bears, he was an outcast; like me.

I was always afraid of James. He had tall, spiky hair that made him look like a giant, and he always had metal growing out of his wrist. The first time he told me not to look through his room, I didn’t, but I had to know what he was trying to hide.

James had caught me. He warned me but how could I resist looking through a treasure chest. It was filled with interesting things, a whip like the one Indiana Jones used, handcuffs, and a big box of snacks, but I didn’t eat one because the wrapper was slimy.

“I warned you, and now your going to have to accept the punishment” James said “Where’s Fred!?” He stormed into my room, and that was the end of it. He took his lighter to Fred’s foot, and made me watch as the flames slowly swallowed him. “He wasn’t going to get away with this”, I thought to myself.

Three days later, when I was done crying and could think clearly I thought of a plan. James was much too big to hurt while he was awake, so I would wait until he was asleep. Around eleven o’clock James was asleep, and I was ready. I snuck into the kitchen and grabbed a knife off the counter that we had used to eat dinner. I walked calmly into his bedroom, and climbed on top of him. He didn’t wake up until the knife reached his neck.

“Kate! What the hell?!”

“Shhh, you’ll get to see Fred soon, he’ll take good care of you”
#3
TL;DR
yeah thats cool do you like cheese?
Ibanez sz720fm,Ibbly RG350DX, Custom Tele-> Dunlop 535Q->RAT Pro co II-> Ibanez Fuzz->Marshall Haze 40.
Tascam US-800 and a hand full of Mics into Nedundo 4

my music, new recording on the way in 2014

[B]insert witty italicized quote here
#4
and
My Gear:
Gibson Les Paul Standard | Gibson SG | Casio PG 380 | Dave Mustaine VMNT | Digitech Whammy | Carvin Legacy head |
Carvin V3 combo | MXR Custom Badass Overdrive | Dunlop Jerry Cantrell Wah | Rocktron Banshee | Ibanez PG Flanger
#5
Quote by jwax
TL;DR
yeah thats cool do you like cheese?

i love cheese
Quote by bass-boy-garith
Quote by guitarhero_764
I guess I'm kind of like a hippie. I'm anti-war, do drugs, and like communism.
Your not a hippie, just a ****ing moron.
#6
tl;dr: girl(i think) goes through some of "Jame's" stuff, James burns girl's favorite teddy bear, girl kills James in his sleep with knife.
no sig for me
#7
Stupid username TS
Quote by n to the k
^ you are wise


Quote by Maus24
There's been sooo many threads done on this; I don't even wanna hear that you used the searchbar. Staring at it and giggling does not count.
The worlds fu cked up and we lit the fuse, its all used up what you gonna do?
#9
Quote by pbpyro91
tl;dr: girl(i think) goes through some of "Jame's" stuff, James burns girl's favorite teddy bear, girl kills James in his sleep with knife...

...knife gets thrown in yard then explanation of girl(i think) going through some of "Jame's" stuff, James burning girl's favorite teddy bear, girl killing James in his sleep with knife.
#10
and here we are supposed to be impressed by.......what, exactly?

unoriginal story is boring.
.
..
...
I have no opinion on this matter.
#12
Quote by metalderek
I find his username quite amusing, actually.



I hate getting punched in the cock though.
Quote by n to the k
^ you are wise


Quote by Maus24
There's been sooo many threads done on this; I don't even wanna hear that you used the searchbar. Staring at it and giggling does not count.
The worlds fu cked up and we lit the fuse, its all used up what you gonna do?
#14
Quite the morbid story you have there...it's cool but kinda disturbing.

Quote by Cockpuncher 2.0
“Kate! What the hell?!”


Don't EVEN think about it.
Quote by jetfuel495
that is one goddamn shiny mother****ing toaster you have there
Quote by Dog--
It seems the top of those waffles are burnt.
Quote by imdeth
The toast has little red arrows growing from it. Nobody wants that.

SHUDDUP AND EAT YER TOAST
#15
Quote by Cockpuncher 2.0
*P.O.S.*


(WARNING!!! NEARLY 10 WORDS!!)


i want my 5 minutes back, please.


with fries.
Quote by SmashandBurn
Teacher: "There will be a test tomorrow no exceptions."

Student: "What about complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

Teacher: "You'll just have to write with your other hand."

Quote by imdeth
Lesbian Link ladies. Oh yes.
#16
Quote by ToastYerLicks
Quite the morbid story you have there...it's cool but kinda disturbing.


Don't EVEN think about it.

new meme? oh god I would be so proud of myself for about two hours, then regret ever posting this story
#17
Quote by imicius
Good story. The "I" in the first paragraph should be a "me."

wrong, dude.

and yeah good story.
Quote by stringsquealer
dude you have a razorback explosion?!?!
im so jealous


Quote by Kyle.E
Munky has a reason. A reason to live. *applauds*

#18
Once upon a time in the land of Taco Bell, there lived a dragon named Bobort. He was large and in charge... but he owed the landlord a substantial amount of money. Being in dept made him feel depressed, you would see him stride along with face such as this: . It had been like this for many weeks. Things was sh*t yo.

BUT!

HE ATED A DONUT! And he let out a GREAT BELLOW. The landlord heard this and sh*t his pants. (He probably ran crying to mommy.) And THUS, good ol' Borbot's dept problem was cured.

THUS...!

He mounted some poor horse and undoubtedly rode off into the sunset. Needless to say, things got real steamy.

THE END...
...
...

...?
#19
Quote by Supertait
Stupid username TS

*reported* Seriously, you posted that in like three other threads.
#20
Quote by bendystraw
*reported* Seriously, you posted that in like three other threads.


1.
Quote by n to the k
^ you are wise


Quote by Maus24
There's been sooo many threads done on this; I don't even wanna hear that you used the searchbar. Staring at it and giggling does not count.
The worlds fu cked up and we lit the fuse, its all used up what you gonna do?
#21
Quote by Cockpuncher 2.0
“Kate! What the hell?!”

RUSSEL WTF?!
Quote by guitar-godfrey
when i grow up i wanna have blackandsilver's babies!

Quote by angusfan16

Quote by Scowmoo
..
HOLY HELL.

nice discovery, sir.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last edited by coryklok : Today at 01:10 PM.
#22
FASTER TOM RUN!

RUSSEL, KATE WTF!?!

(trying to see how it would flow)
Rojam's new and improved band!!!!

Listen a little bit, we DON'T suck!
#23
Oh I have been sigged!
The will be heartache,
there will be rain,
and joy I can't explain.
#24
Why would you place the murder weapon so close to the scene of the crime?

Everyone knows that you need to throw it into the ocean/a river
PPPPPPPOSTFINDER
#25
TL;DR: James psychologically abuses Kate (step daughter, he's her guardian or something, I dunno), she kills him.

TS... Good story.
~don't finkdinkle when ur supposed to be dimpdickin~
#27
Wat.
We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict.
Jim Morrison
#28
Quote by Cockpuncher 2.0
He only stopped screaming when he died. It was loud and messy but I didn’t care. He deserved all of it. The house was empty that night, except for James and I. When everything was finally clean, the blood was gone and the knife had been thrown into the neighbor’s yard, all that was left was James’ body.


fixed

Quote by Cockpuncher 2.0
I hope he learned his lesson, what he did couldn’t be forgiven. I had to show him that. A flash of anger, and a burning impulse, and he was done. The one thing I loved was now in ashes. My favourite teddy bear was gone; I would never see Fred again. Everyone hated Fred, but he was mine. Daddy tried to buy me toys and bikes, but I would never get rid of Fred.


fixed?


Quote by Cockpuncher 2.0
Fred and I had a special kind of bond. We were closer than any best friends had ever been. He was always in my bed waiting for me to get home from school, and he would always listen to me if I needed to talk to someone. Fred wasn’t like the other bears, he was an outcast, like me.


faxed


Quote by Cockpuncher 2.0
I was always afraid of James. He had tall, spiky hair that made him look like a giant, and he always had metal growing out of his wrist. The first time he told me not to look through his room, I didn’t, but I had to know what he was trying to hide.


nothing fixed here


Quote by Cockpuncher 2.0
James had caught me. He warned me, but how could I resist looking through a treasure chest. It was filled with interesting things, a whip like the one Indiana Jones used, handcuffs, and a big box of snacks, but I didn’t eat one because the wrapper was slimy.


Might want to rewrite this part, add in a metaphor about the treasure chest. Also, lol'd at condoms.

Quote by Cockpuncher 2.0
“I warned you, and now you're going to have to accept the punishment,” James said. “Where’s Fred!?”
He stormed into my room, and that was the end of it. He took his lighter to Fred’s foot, and made me watch as the flames slowly swallowed him.

“He wasn’t going to get away with this,” I thought to myself.


foxed

Quote by Cockpuncher 2.0
Three days later, when I was done crying and could think clearly, I thought of a plan. James was much too big to hurt while he was awake, so I would wait until he was asleep. Around eleven o’clock James had fallen asleep, and I was ready. I snuck into the kitchen and grabbed a knife from the counter. The knife we had used to prepare dinner. I walked calmly into his bedroom, and climbed on top of him. He didn’t wake up until the knife reached his neck.

“Kate! What the hell?!”

“Shhh, you’ll get to see Fred soon, he’ll take good care of you.”


fuxed


All in all, decent story. Nothing special, 6/10.
#29
I wrote a story, too. It involved Moose, Sarah Palin, John Petrucci and shadows. It was a joke, don't take it as a serious piece of literature.

It was a dark day for Edward, as the autumn leaves became entranced in an almost choreographed dance by the wind, shooting up toward the sky, and finally gently floating back down to the ground. It was almost nightfall, and Edward knew that by the time the sun rested behind the horizon, evil spirits would seek refuge in the village he lived in. He had to get home... fast.

He had been walking for over an hour, with each agonizing minute bringing more and more pain to his increasingly bitter Poodle, Larry. Edward had no clue where he was, as it was now almost pitch-black and he was hungry. He adverted his eyes towards Larry, who was looking more and more like a tuxedo sandwich as each slow second flew out the window. Edwards lips watered at the very sight of a good feed, high in fiber. He leaned forward and with impure thoughts in mind (radiology physics), he sunk his yellow, Fleece infested teeth into Larry, who let out a mildly disturbing scraping sound; hardly the preferred response from something when you are trying to devour their flesh, like filthy Scandinavians.

At that precise moment, a beam of darkness shot out of a crevice in Larry's now decaying backbone. The beam became infused with everything around it, giving it a brilliant green tint; quite appealing to the eyes, yet hardly the thing to concentrate on when your only source of food had been corrupted with evil the whole time you had been trying to eat the damn thing. Nevertheless, Edward braced for whatever was about to unfold before his very eyes...

The now ghost-like, green-tinted spirit had become someone of a spectacle. Upon uniting with all nearby objects, it had taken on an appearance reminiscent of dying 'senior citizens', dusty old keyboards and tree trunks. The sound was also unbearable. The spectre seemed to be emitting a high-frequency screech, which was somewhat discomforting, leading the little Grey men inside Edwards' ear canals to stop the music and simply say; "What the hell, bro?" However, once the sound had become so bad, that the wind itself had began weeping, Edward knew it was time to run... and quickly.

Edward hot-footed it down the long, windy road. The seemingly unknown passage was visible, yet nothing else was. It was all black, and Edward didn't know whether to think it was a straight drop to certain death, or a secret entrance to his favorite candy store... either way, he wasn't going to risk it, so he kept on truckin' down the desolate path, which seemed to twist and wind forever. Edward looked over his shoulder. No spirit, nothing. Maybe he had lost it? He slowed his quick pace to turtle speed and took in the peacefulness darkness. The wind was extremely strong, and almost caused him to lose his balance. "Phew..." thought Edward, whilst unpacking a home-made lunch prepared by the rabbit who lived upstairs. He was about to bite into the delicacy, when a floating spider, who was hitching a ride on the wind, tickled his nostril cavity, causing him to sneeze at an amazing velocity. This propelled Edward off the edge of the path, into the dark abyss, never to be seen again....

Edward awoke inside a small, triangular room. It had an eerie blue glow to it; not very bright, but noticeable. It reminded him of water reflections, only without the water part involved. He scanned the room, when his eyes' fixated themselves upon a mysterious figure in the southwest corner of the room. He squinted, trying to make out a visible figure, when suddenly it all became clear to him. It was John Petrucci, dressed as Dave Mustaines' cross-dressing Uncles', sisters cousins' best friends' drawing of John Petrucci. Edward was unable to speak, as Petrucci had stolen his powers. "Go now." Said Petrucci. "Your work up in the World Before Tomorrow is not yet complete..." Edward eagerly stood up, as if awaiting permission to speak... which in all reality, he was. John just nodded, as if knowing what Edward was trying to say in his mind. Petrucci slowly floated across the room, hand extended, holding something small, papery and flat. "Take this and order the Pizza of a Million Suns." Declared the now glowing Petrucci. "Once done, eat the pizza, and your mission will be complete, and you will be able to return to normal." Edward put on a confused look. "What does he mean, back to 'normal'?" Edward thought. Petrucci put on a smug look, and pointed in the direction of Edwards' furry grabbers. Edward took a good look at his hands, before realizing that he was now a bear. "Go now..." Said Petrucci. "...and fulfill your destiny."

With that, Edward was taken away in a brilliant beam of radiant light, and dropped in front of the Dominoes Pizza located in Winnipeg, Canada. He got up and brushed himself down. He looked at the Dominoes, then took a quick glance at the voucher Petrucci had given him so many minutes ago. It was time... this was the home stretch. He mustered up all the courage in his body and walked up to the guy at the counter and handed him the voucher. "One, please. Make it to go." Gloated Edward. The pimple-faced employee took a look at the voucher, and then made direct eye-contact with Edward. "Sorry, sir..." Announced the cashier. "...but we don't serve Moose here." Moose? What was he on aboot? Edward looked in the reflective glass. The darkness of the night and the illuminated street-lights gave the window a reflective glare that could rival the best mirror technology out there. To Edwards' shock, he had antlers, and a huge snout. He was what the cashier had just told him he was no more than two minutes ago; he was a Moose. Suddenly, the cashier shrieked and dove behind the service counter. What was the cause of this erratic behavior? Edward turned and looked through the clear, fiber-glass door. This was the moment he had been dreading the whole time he had known he was a moose. There, literally staring him in the face, was Sarah Palin, holding a 7897.84 Caliber rifle, and judging by the look on her face, she was out for blood.
#30
Next bit...

She opened fire on Edward. He jumped through the window directly in front of him, James Bond style, and took off down the lonely, almost pitch-black street. He was in immense fear, and knew that Sarah Palin was not far behind him. He was struggling to find his way through the suburban neighborhood, often ramming into unsuspecting midgets or old garbage cans, filed with the decaying heads of Beavers and recently hunted Moose. Edward ran as fast as he could, but had to stop to catch his Moose-ey breath. He had found a shallow creek to hide in while he regained his lost breath, when suddenly the horizon light up like a thousand burning candles. "Bring it down! Hunt it down! Take it's soul!" Edward knew what this chant was; it was the hunting call of the Sarah Palin Moose Hunting Division (SPM-HD). What was it with these crazy Canadians? Edward lay in the small ravine, hoping that the SPM-HD wouldn't detect him. "CLICK!" Behind him, were a million hungry Canadians. Edward knew this was his dying place. He looked at the water bathing him. It was gleaming bright red from the millions of flame poles held by the hunting crew. "ON MY COUNT!" Yelled Palin, red with rage and power hungry with the backup of her mindless zombie slaves. "3..." This was it. "2..." No regrets. "1..." Bring it on. "FIRE!"

"BANG!"

"Edward... come towards the light... do not be afraid... your destiny was fulfilled... you are now free." Edward opened his eyes. That voice... it sounded so familiar. "Come on... you're almost here... reach out and grab it." Who was that? It sounded very familiar. "Michael Angelo Batio is a guitar n00b..." Of course! It was Dave Mustaines' cross-dressing Uncles', sisters cousins' best friends' drawing of John Petrucci! "Your journey has come to and end, my child... you may now enter the Kingdom of Rock... do not be afraid." Edward tried to let out a mutter, a word, anything, but was unable to do so, as Petrucci still possessed his powers. Suddenly, Edward felt a tingling sensation all over his body. "Ah!" He screamed. His powers had been restored. Edward made a dramatic (que drum roll) leap for the light. "That's right... come into the light... welcome yourself to my Kingdom." The blinding light stole Edwards sight, and raped his consciousness. Edward was out cold...

Edward awoke inside a small, triangular room. It had an eerie blue glow to it; not very bright, but noticeable. It reminded him of water reflections, only without the water part involved. He scanned the room, when his eyes' fixated themselves upon a mysterious figure in the southwest corner of the room. He squinted, trying to make out a visible figure, when suddenly it all became clear to him. "Stop re-using parts of the dream, Edward. I'm here to tell you that you have passed. You have now become one with the Kingdom of Rock. You are binded to it by a seal of The Almighty Gods of The Sky." Said Petrucci. "But... how?" Asked Edward. "I failed to purchase and eat the Pizza of A Million Suns. Why am I being rewarded for completing a mission I failed to even start?" Asked a puzzled Edward. "It was never the pizza, Edward." He looked confused. "Then... what was it." "It was nothing but the trust that was inside of you the entire time. The pizza was just a bonus. You see, by evading Sarah Palin, and by experiencing death for the first time, you have unlocked a vital door inside your heart. The door to trust." Edward was very confused. "Even if I did complete this little game you had set up... how can I believe you?" Asked Edward. "Simple... glance at your hands and tell me what you see." Edward did as instructed. What he saw amazed him. His hands were no longer reminiscent of animal limbs... they were human again. He could see all lines, all wrinkles and each and every one of the individual hairs on his arms...Edward looked back up at Petrucci, eyes glazed. "Thank you... thank you very much." Said Edward, in an apologetic tone. "However... despite the completion of your task, I'm afraid... that it is my sad duty to inform you that I must depart to another world... a better world." Sad Petrucci in a sad tone...

"But... why?!" Screamed Edward. "I needed someone to become the new leader of my Kingdom... why do you think you were given such a task?" "But-" Said Edward, who was cut into by Petrucci's golden voice. "No 'buts', Edward. I need to depart to another realm before I disappear forever. You need to understand that this is not just your destiny, but mine also... do you understand why I must do this?" Asked Petrucci, who had now taken on a more serious form. "Yes... I understand." Said Edward. "I must leave now. Please take good care of my Kingdom... and please, don't touch my guitars, or else you'll fry from such awesomeness, it's indescribable what pain you may experience." "I promise." Replied Edward in a serious manner. With that, a deafening boom infiltrated Edwards eardrums, followed by a blinding light. Edward closed his eyes and covered his head so as to protect it from danger. Almost as soon as it had begun, it was over, and Petrucci was nowhere to be seen. In his place Edward found a folded piece of paper. Upon opening it, Edward immediately read the text displayed on the piece of paper;

"Buy one Large or Family Sized pizza from any Dominoes store, and receive a free Pepsi Meal Deal for free."

Upon reading the note, Edward smiled. He smiled at the thought of Petrucci's generous gift. However, the smile soon turned to a frown, when he realized that he could never use the voucher, as Dominoes Pizza didn't exist in the Kingdom of Rock. Edwards' entire journey was a huge waste. He sat down on his now black-coloured bed, and started to dream about what he could buy with that voucher. He tried tasting the flavors of the best, most expensive pizza money could buy, but it just wasn't the same. Every day from then on, Edward regretted ever having been born. If he knew he would end up Pizza-less at this time in his life, he would have aborted himself. He wanted to die, but there was no way to inflict direct harm to anyone, including yourself, in the Kingdom. The fact that you never age also made it a depressing thought for Edward.

This was the end of the road for Edward. He decided to return to Earth, upon learning that if one could transform into a spirit entity, he would be able to return if he possessed another living creature. He chose his target; a small, spoiled poodle named Larry. With that, Edward said his goodbyes, and left for Earth, the place he had longed for for so long...

Safe inside the living cocoon of the poodle known as Larry, Edward put plan 'Use Dominoes Voucher A.S.A.P' into action. However, suddenly, a huge pair of teeth tore through the top of the vein-filled cocoon. Edward was sucked out through a small crack created by the teeth, into the atmosphere of the planet Earth. He was dying... slowly. He started imploding, sucking in all nearby matter. The pain was unbearable... the noise was unsatisfying at most, and the ending of this story has probably pissed a lot of you off.
#31
Quote by 'Leviathan'
"Michael Angelo Batio is a guitar n00b..."


Reminds me of that youtube parody of Petrucci
Intentional or unintentional.... +1 anyway
#32
Quote by Cianyx
Reminds me of that youtube parody of Petrucci
Intentional or unintentional.... +1 anyway




That's where it came from.
#34
What is James 'stuff'?
return 0;

Quote by jsync
And I've eaten at some of Australia's best pizzerias.



SOUNDCLOUD
. com / fancy-elle
#36
I didn't read all of it but the stuff I did read reminds me of Dexter.
Pretty good though.
Just read it all.
Nothing like Dexter
GOODBYE BLUE SKY
Last edited by M.O.P at Feb 17, 2009,
#40
I found the lack of a truly compelling protagonist to be a problem. I was emotionally uninvolved with Kate's desire for revenge. There was a lack of a coherent narrative structure as well. There was also a lack of what Mikhail Bakhtin would describe as 'heteroglossia', thus making it incomplete as a short story. Your piece should have been a self-contained unity of different dialogues and social strata, and it wasn't. But kudos for the sex toy jokes.
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