#1
Verse 1

Makin’ the ditch today; movin’ on to new frontiers
Packin’ my bag full of albums I haven’t heard in years
My dogs barkin’ at the back door
Scratchin’ it with her muddy paws
My brothers practicing that six string like he should
Wish I could stick around to see him get good

Chorus

But my life is broken, gotta get it fixed
This towns full of zombies, it moves to slow
Pack my junk leave these sticks
Just like my woman did years ago

Verse 2

Still working the job I wish I quit
Needed the cash before I made the split
Stop of at the local station
Need cigarettes for consummation,
Switch the radio, Rebel Rebel comes on
I tell ya man I love that riff, I tell ya man I love that song

Chorus

But my life is broken, gotta get it fixed
This towns full of zombies, it moves to slow
Pack my junk leave these sticks
Just like my woman did years ago

Verse 3

Pull up at number 194
Throw my bags on the kitchen floor
Put my guitar on the bench and step outside
Light a cigarette next to the rosebush that died
The roof titles are fallin’, the pipes are starting to rust
But this is home now, my old life’s in the dust

Chorus

My life is broken, gotta get it fixed
This towns full of zombies, it moves to slow
Pack my junk leave these sticks
Just like my woman did years ago

This is only the second song I've written. It's just something I slapped together today while I was moving out of home. Again it's not fantastic so any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Last edited by RollingRamones at Feb 17, 2009,
#2
I like the idea you're going with in this piece, I like the feel... However, the first couple o' lines were good, but I began to feel afterwards that you wrote to the rhyme scheme, instead of the rhyme scheme fitting to what you wanted to write. The constant, kind of, perfect rhyme scheme began to grate at me as I read it through. Some lines served little purpose other than to keep the rhyme scheme regular.

You might consider throwing in some half-rhymes or something. Rhyme is not the most important thing in the writing, the most important thing is getting what is in your (the writers) head into the readers head, whether or not what the reader portrays it as is exactly the same as the writer- the reader will link things to their own experiences. You may also consider having only a couple of lines per verse rhyming and the others not.

Other than a few spelling errors and the likes, and what I have previously mentioned, I generally think this is a good piece and I really hope what I've said isn't too harsh.

Feel free to disregard any or all of this, I have yet to post anything (I'm scared I'll get totally slated- I'm really not good) haha.
#3
Man, I love the concept of this song... its awesome... the first half was probably the better half, and I agree with youcanthelpit, because the rhyming kinda got annoying and killed the mood after a while. But It's great.

and @youcanthelpit:
Don't worry. That's why this forum is here. IF you suck ass at writing, post here for crits and learn how to fix mistakes and learn the techniques that great songwriters use.
#4
i agree with the others that i like the idea.
But i think that the last line of the 2nd verse was particularly weak and doesnt fit the rhyme.
There were 2 spelling mistakes i noticed. This was in the chorus where "to" should be "too". The other is in verse 2 where "of" should be "off".
But these are minor technicallities and dont change the overall feel of the peice.
I particularly like the first two lines of the first verse and these open the peice very well.

Please rate my peice https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=18613170#post18613170