#1
If anyone's interested, i'll post the original. But until then, here is the new version in all its glory. c4c etc

do us all a favour and shoot the bastard


she cries, because she knows
what’s inside of me, no longer
hiding behind the lies I told her, no longer
hiding behind words or thoughts or deeds,
broken free and running amok between us,
like a horse chained in its stables.
“are we ok?”
“yes”no
I can hear it there even if you won’t
say it, and that just makes it hurt
all the more, that little silence
screaming behind each lie you tell,
and me, aching to be beside you,
so I can say sorry, so I can make you see,
See, Goddamit, that this isn’t me
this isn’t the person you fell in love with,
this...this thing, he doesn’t exist,
he is not me!

now, at night, the thought of you rocks me
to sleep in a sea of convulsions and need
but still

and so I sit,
and you
you speak and I doubt
you hold me and I question
you tell me you love me
and i
i
don’t
believe
you

oh god, I’m so sorry
Last edited by kdownes at Feb 22, 2009,
#2
i thought the bottom said, "oh god i'm so horny"
but i like it

oh yeah and i clicked on your myspace link and
dancing in the moonlight has a great sound man.
Last edited by guitar zerp at Feb 17, 2009,
#4
Kyle, if I figure out who brought this i, ii, iii shit to S&L, I'll kick him.
Kick him right square in the nuts, I will.

And it gets even uglier on first look, when you have i as a single word near the end.

LOVE!?
Ugh. Mixing punctuation together has a sloppy look about it. I recommend against it.

youimeweitus is friggin annoying. It slows the read horribly, causing one to look too long, separating it all out. Maybe hyphenate that monster?


Except for the warts, I mostly enjoyed this.
It meanders between elegant and whimsical, in voice.
I found that quite appealing.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#5
Thanks SYK. I agree about the i, ii, iii. I shall promptly remove it. As for the mixed punctuation, i'll keep that as a personal preference thing. It's something i do. and the youimeweitus I think needs to stay like that. I think if i hypenated it out, it'd ruin the "intertwined" metaphor. This idea of everything swirling around in a horrible mess. This whole piece is supposed to make your head hurt. The experience that brought this on certainly made my head hurt, and i tried to capture that to and fro, swirling intertwining confusion throughout this piece.
#6
Quote by kdownes
Thanks SYK. I agree about the i, ii, iii. I shall promptly remove it. As for the mixed punctuation, i'll keep that as a personal preference thing. It's something i do. and the youimeweitus I think needs to stay like that. I think if i hypenated it out, it'd ruin the "intertwined" metaphor. This idea of everything swirling around in a horrible mess. This whole piece is supposed to make your head hurt. The experience that brought this on certainly made my head hurt, and i tried to capture that to and fro, swirling intertwining confusion throughout this piece.


Success.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#10
I really like the way you write
You have a way of manipulating the language to make it just right
Clever, clever.
#11
I bet it was you, Dylan, you bastard:P

Thanks to everyone, I look forward to hearing what you all have to say
#12
Quote by kdownes


do us all a favour and just shoot the bastard

she cries, no,
she lies in language
spawn of deed and words
cut knives of fire and weeds
tied her tongued fork of worry
not young, for old is wise
and old knows what knows who
is inside, me;
Everything is amazing until this point.
you, YOU, cries I
Seems like such a forced rhyme...
beast in eye, beast
form fitting not human, nor woman, but
still, still no more
movement forward this time
and still I love,
LOVE!? love, what
of it, is it? yet lie,
to me, unto me become
happiness mystery mask now
walk the earth and cries.
It starts to go on the wrong direction. I see that it means to be almost as if you conscience is talking in several and mixed thoughts, but I don't see it working here.

not i-
but why? again,
late nights spent turning, pages
for burning hours for
learn upon time, stand
upright still upon itself entwined,
youimeweitus
It's cool. Except that repetition of "for", make it nicer
again
oh again, but no more
I weep
time shall not keep, prisoner
to none but one
one more night of this-
ungodliness begone
^This looks like it doesn't belong to this piece.
and I will surely die.
But why?

so anyway
I sit, and you
my thoughts and deeds,
^ I told it before, I'll tell you again: I don't like this line
you smile and I doubt,
you laugh and I wonder
you kiss me and I know;
you love, but still
still
i
don’t
believe
you
I like how it seemes like the words fade to darkness...


oh god, I’m so sorry


I tried to be the "pickiest", don't mind about that. Think no wrong, I liked this, it reads so ots and true, it just needs to brightened in some parts.
#14
^I hate you Zach, you lying bastard:P:

Andre, thank you so much for all you said. That ungodliness line shall be edited.
#16
was the title inspired from that one book, Of Mice and Men? it's an exact quote from the book too.

were u going for like a screamo type of feel for this?
#17
Quote by Guitarmaster94

were u going for like a screamo type of feel for this?


i lol'd.
#18
me too. The name is simply derived from the piece. The name should help you work out the meaning of the peice, or vice versa.
#19
Quote by kdownes
something different, some new. something borrowed, something blue. c4c
Finally returning crits
do us all a favour and just shoot the bastard

she cries, no,
she lies in language
spawn of deed and words
cut knives of fire and weeds
Way too many "and"s packed into such a small space. As the reader I can't pick up on everything you're trying to convey as it's just going by so fast.
tied her tongued fork of worry
not young, for old is wise
and old knows what knows who
is inside, me;
you, YOU, cries I
beast in eye, beast
form fitting not human, nor woman, but
still, still no more
movement forward this time
and still I love,
LOVE!? love, what
of it, is it? yet lie,
to me, unto me become
happiness mystery mask now
walk the earth and cries.
This shot past like a bullet train, partly due to the linebreaks. If that was your intention, I applaud you for succeeding admirably. But to really feel it, I had to go back and read like three times. The rhymes were nice for the most part, not original but very casually thrown in, so it didn't matter..
not i-
but why? again,
late nights spent turning, pages
for burning hours for
learn upon time, stand
upright still upon itself entwined,
youimeweitus
again
oh again, but no more
I weep
time shall not keep, prisoner
to none but one
one more night of this-
unholiness begone
unto me untill me

and I will surely die.
But why?
"Until", not "Untill". The almost-biblical language style seemed out of place in a poem that's so... stream-of-consciousness. I agree with SYK about youimeweitus.
so anyway
I sit, and you
my thoughts your deeds,
you smile and I doubt,
you laugh and I wonder
you kiss me and I know;
you love, but still
still
i
don’t
believe
you
The "weave through" nature of this made it both interesting and a pain to read.

oh god, I’m so sorry
This last bit felt unnecessary, actually, it detracted from the power of the ending.


Very, very different from anything I can remember you writing. I don't really know whether I like it or not, but it certainly got ahold of me and shook me around, if you know what I mean.
#20
I should really have got to this, but I don't have much to say.
It's certainly interesting. An interesting writing experiment.
It made my head hurt, and that made me really dislike it.
But that certainly doesn't make it bad, you know?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#21
Thanks to the both of you. I'm kinda surprised that no one has worked this one out yet
#22
I'll be honest, I think this is garbage. It's a great jumble of words which no one is going to get and which I fully believe you lost track of yourself. It sounds nice, there are some nice images, there is a theme with which you can make connections, but overall you're just overwhelming anyone who dares to go a little deeper. Certain breaks and punctuation usage, such as "and lie, to me" just heighten the ridiculousness and confusion.

Stop hiding your poetry behind so many flowers, I want to see the roots. If you have a point to make then make it, if not then don't write about it. Really man, you've got it, just stop blocking your pen with this kind of fluff.

Check out some Iron & Wine and see how he ties his imagination into concrete and fluent thoughts.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#24
If you can write what you just did then you can simplify it. Don't worry so much about how it sounds or looks, if you put feeling into it it's going to show. That's what makes the best poetry. I wouldn't have even bothered commenting if I didn't think you had the ability to do such a thing.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#25
you fail for using 20 posts per page.

clever people go all the way through the settings to optimize their viewing capactiy.

Sir, i laugh at you heartily.
#26
Quote by kdownes
well, i dunno. here goes nothing

do us all a favour and shoot the bastard

she cries, because she knows
what’s inside of me, no longer
hiding behind the lies I told her, no longer
hiding behind words or thoughts or deeds,
broken free and running amok between us,
like a horse chained in its stables.
“are we ok?”
“yes”no
I can hear it there even if you won’t
say it, and that just makes it hurt
all the more, that little silence
screaming behind each lie you tell,
and me, aching to be beside you,
so I can say sorry, so I can make you see,
See, Goddamit, that this isn’t me
this isn’t the person you fell in love with, this
this thing, he doesn’t exist, he is not ME!

now, at night, the thought of you
entwines itself around my mind, and shelters me,
rocks me to sleep in a sea of convulsions and need
but still

and so I sit,
and you
you speak and I doubt
you hold me and I question
you tell me you love me
and i
i
don’t
believe
you

oh god, I’m so sorry



I'm a little dumbfounded; I don't think I've ever been able to relate more to a piece of writing. I'm even working on a piece that's getting at the same situation.

Bravo, this is more goddamn like it man.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#27
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#28
Wow

Thank you all, so much. THis piece is the most personal thing i'v ever written. I'm so glad that people get it.
#30
Quote by kdownes


do us all a favour and shoot the bastard

she cries, because she knows
what’s inside of me, no longer
hiding behind the lies I told her, no longer
hiding behind words or thoughts or deeds,
broken free and running amok between us,
like a horse chained in its stables.

I hated your "no longer" placements. The tacked on structure really drags this down a notch for me. demonstrates a lack of control very early on. Like the piece is driving you.

“are we ok?”
“yes”no
I can hear it there even if you won’t
say it, and that just makes it hurt
all the more, that little silence
screaming behind each lie you tell,
and me, aching to be beside you,
so I can say sorry, so I can make you see,
See, Goddamit, that this isn’t me
this isn’t the person you fell in love with, this
this thing, he doesn’t exist, he is not ME!

Breaking between "this"s is again quite destructive. That should be such an emotion builder. The stutter should build desperation in the tone, but by breaking between them it cuts out the fluidity between the two. "this... this thing" is better to me. Also, lose the caps at the end; and I'd say put "he is not me." on a line all its own. Let placement make it stand out... not a gay caps thing. To be honest, so far only the tone has really gotten me, and you've done your damndest to ruin that by breaking where you shouldn't and really... not developing a whole lot behind the tone. There's enough there to make it happen, but just barely. This hasn't really snapped me in yet... as you haven't presented any more content than "We aren't ok. I wish I could fix it, its probably my fault."

now, at night, the thought of you
entwines itself around my mind, and shelters me,
rocks me to sleep in a sea of convulsions and need
but still

Meh, you aren't writing with impact... at least from my perspective. You made it personal, and your tone is carrying what should hit... but isn't. You could have said this in two lines... and it would have had a punch.

"Now, at night, the thought of you rocks me
to sleep in a sea of convulsions and need."

Your "entwine" image was underdeveloped and frankly more "telling" than building an image and left a bitter taste in my mouth.


and so I sit,
and you
you speak and I doubt
you hold me and I question
you tell me you love me
and i
i
don’t
believe
you

oh god, I’m so sorry

Finally, something worth reading. The ending straight up kicked ass. I could relate to it; you wrote with passion and fury, and you stopped faking imagery and just wrote fo' rizzle. If the rest of the piece were as believable and strong as this; it could be a masterpiece... but frankly, the rest blows in comparison. Like you tried to develop a framework just to stick on the thing at the end which you knew was well developed.



Told you I'd get here eventually. My main thoughts on the piece are summed up in the last red section above.

Get back to your black dot on Motherfu*ker in my sig, damnit.

bitch.
#31
Thanks Zach, I see what you're saying. I'll edit this pronto. As for the blackdot, if i find time, i'll do it.
#32
30+ replies? damn

I'm not in the mood to read them all sorry if this is repeated.

I don't believe you in the first stanza. I agree with everything zach says. I think the exclamation point is stupid in this case. I really like the last. I kind of read the last line as oh my god but it works either way.

while I'm being a blunt jerk...
The ending saved this. The problem I have a lot with you is that I don't usually like you're stuff the whole way through and that bothers me because some of it makes me really want to. I think if you relax and chill a bit and step back a bit, you'll be able to see where you're voice loses itself. Doing that might be hard. I have trouble with this too but after letting something sit for a few days, sometimes much less (seconds), sometimes much more, I look at it and think "that is stupid" and then I ditch or change it.

This could help you find yourself maybe?
I'm running out of steam (thank god). See you around.
sorry. hope that helps a little.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#33
it's friggin amazing, but that very last line kinda kills it.... I kinda liked it ending with the
"I
dont
believe
you" part
#34
Critiquey stuff will be bolded. The rest is me nattering on...

Hmm.

I have to say, on first read-through, I wasn't sure how to deal with this. I'm fairly formal in my own poetry, and I find counter-standard punctuation usage difficult to parse. I'm an English teacher and a word nerd, though, so maybe that's just me

So, trying to figure it out, I read some of the comments, and I saw that someone had checked out your tunes on myspace, and so did I. I picked one of your songs at random and hummed these words along to it (the piano one - "Empathy"). That gave me the hook to get into it, so I'm glad I did it. Presuming the voice on the recording is yours, I can totally hear this now.

So, are you heavily influenced by musical theater, or is that just a projection?

At any rate, here are my comments - mostly formatting notes, because the subject matter is yours. Also take into account that I'm humming this along to Empathy, and your formatting might work better to a different tune that I don't know. Still.

she cries
because she knows what’s inside of me,
no longer hiding behind the lies I told her
- I took out the second "no longer" for in-my-head scanning reasons
hiding behind words or thoughts or deeds,
broken free
and running amok between us,
like a horse chained in its stables.
“are we ok?”
“yes”
no!
I can hear it there
even if you won’t say it,
and that just makes it hurt all the more,
that little silence
screaming behind each lie you tell,
and me, aching to be beside you,
so I can say
sorry,
so I can make you see,

See, Goddamit, that this isn’t me
this isn’t the person you fell in love with,
this...this thing, he doesn’t exist,
he is not me!

now, at night,
the thought of you rocks me to sleep
in a sea of convulsions and need
but still

and so I sit,

and you, you speak

and I doubt
you hold me, and I question
you tell me you love me
and I, I

don’t believe you


For me, I would take out "oh god, I’m so sorry," as that seems to be the whole point of the song, making this line redundant in my mind. Still, it might be a performance thing, again, and your vision is your own, man. I would probably end such a thing on an unresolved minor or a seventh. Resolving to the root or on a major chord, I might leave the last line in there.

On a last performance note, I would probably have this bit:


See, Goddamit, that this isn’t me
this isn’t the person you fell in love with,
this...this thing, he doesn’t exist,
he is not me!


be the bridge, banging the heck out of the chords and making an unholy racket, generally, then come back into the verse structure. If you listen to the Dresden Dolls at all, they do that sort of thing, and that's kind of what I hear.

peace
#35
Thank you all for your words, especially you jimi. I have a problem with all of this but the ending, but as of the moment, i'm not sure how to fix it. Nilchii, this is a poem, not a song, but thank you anyway, your initial rant might just have given me an idea.
#37
^That is one of the smartest posts ever. Anyway.

Quote by kdownes
If anyone's interested, i'll post the original. But until then, here is the new version in all its glory. c4c etc

do us all a favour and shoot the bastard

this title better have a reason or add somehow to the piece because right now I hate it. it's gimmicked in it's delivery and overbearing in what it's saying. if it's ironic it's not explicit enough and if it's the topic than I'm not sure I want to read it. A good title does two things: inform and intrigue. This title does the latter I guess, but doesnt appear (on first read) to have any substance behind it. Just a first impression and something to think about.

she cries, because she knows
what’s inside of me, no longer
these line breaks are awkward enjambment. also, if you want to keep the pause (that you have as a caesurae currently) between she cries and because then just put a line break their. it will build up the tension and not read as awkward. Starting the first sentence of a puncutated poem with a two word clause not on it's own line is something I always try to avoid. If it can stand alone, let it stand alone, if it can't then lose the comma. the shift between the positive (she knows) and the negative (no longer) was distracting. have it going the same way in the absolute positive or negative (not the tone just the language).
hiding behind the lies I told her, no longer
hiding behind words or thoughts or deeds,
I don't understand why you are telling me all of this as oppose to showing me any of it. blanket statements mean nothing without tangible tethers.
broken free and running amok between us,
like a horse chained in its stables.
likewise, a similie tacked on to a general concept defeats the purpose of the similie. I mean, it works, but it's not that effective.
“are we ok?”
“yes”no
ok
I can hear it there even if you won’t
say it, and that just makes it hurtover explanatory? over explanatory.
all the more,cut the last three lines. start the next section here at "that" that little silence
screaming behind each lie you tell,
find another word for lie. using it makes you sound childish and whiny. be more sneaky with your vocab.
and me, aching to be beside you,
so I can say sorry, so I can make you see,
See, Goddamit, that this isn’t me
this isn’t the person you fell in love with,
this...this thing, he doesn’t exist,
he is not me!
so? by telling and not showing your situation you have nullified the risk and stakes in the piece. it shows you are completely in control. why would I want to hear someone who is in complete control of the situation (shown via explanatory tone, syntax, and content) ramble on about a problem? Its a perfectly okay premise for a piece but why you went about it like this is beyond me. you know poetic convention, use them. Don't tell me, show me why the hell this means so much to you. you presume the audience knows your context, what makes this situation special?

now, at night, the thought of you rocks me
to sleep in a sea of convulsions and need
but still
the comparison between unlike things didnt work for me (convulsions and need) I like what it says though.

and so I sit,
and you
you speak and I doubt
you hold me and I question
you tell me you love me
and i
i
don’t
believe
you

oh god, I’m so sorry
Better.


eh, this didnt do much for me kyle. in fact, if you just gave me the last two stanzas I would like it quite a bit and say you have a complete piece. the rest seemed extraeneous.



I know I owe you a lot, I'll keep returning as you post.