#1
This song's about a fisherman getting eaten by a giant leviathan of a whale. Think of it as a Thrashy kinda song, like a mix between Slayer and Mastodon.

"In The Belly Of The Beast"


All aboard "The Dream"
Setting out to sea,
On a mission to bring your family,
A bit of prosperity

You can feel the crushing thunder,
The clouds and lighting over head,
Shall the surging waves pull you under?
Or your ship be torn asunder?

And forward with the rising tide,
you catch a glimpse of death,
It leaps out of the water,
And you're petrified...and out of breath

You've heard all of the tall tales,
Yet thought they were just lies,
But here it is before you now,
Staring you in the eyes.

Engulfed by this hellish monster,
There you'll remain, unreleased,
Trapped inside this massive whale,
In the Belly of the Beast.

Confined in the stomach of a demon,
You seem to have been its lunch to say the least,
Imprisoned with your crew,
In the Belly of the Beast.

(More will be added at a later time.... C4C )
Last edited by Patty-cakez at Feb 18, 2009,
#2
I really like this. However, I do not like "a tad bit" at all. It seems like it's out of place... but it may just be me who thinks that. I also feel that in this bit:

"You've heard all of the tall tales,
Yet thought they were just lies,
But here it is before you now,
Staring you in the eyes."

Eyes/lies- very common rhyme. I think this is the only place where I felt that the rhyming was weak.

Overall, I like this. I like the story and the way in which you tell it.
#3
I don't know on this one.
It sounds like a good start, but it doesn't seem finished.
Also, it sounds an awful lot like a mix of "Blood and Thunder" and "I am Ahab" by Mastodon off of Leviathan.
I mean, the whole album was based roughly on a similar concept as this song, so it's to be expected, but I'm just throwin it out there...
Or maybe it's just me?
#4
Quote by youcanthelpit
I really like this. However, I do not like "a tad bit" at all. It seems like it's out of place... but it may just be me who thinks that. I also feel that in this bit:

"You've heard all of the tall tales,
Yet thought they were just lies,
But here it is before you now,
Staring you in the eyes."

Eyes/lies- very common rhyme. I think this is the only place where I felt that the rhyming was weak.

Overall, I like this. I like the story and the way in which you tell it.


I felt the same way... I wanted to put something in there that rhymed that also got my point across, but i couldn't find a lot of things that were "clever" and what not. Any ideas what I could replace it with?

Quote by PissInMyShoeses
I don't know on this one.
It sounds like a good start, but it doesn't seem finished.
Also, it sounds an awful lot like a mix of "Blood and Thunder" and "I am Ahab" by Mastodon off of Leviathan.
I mean, the whole album was based roughly on a similar concept as this song, so it's to be expected, but I'm just throwin it out there...
Or maybe it's just me?


I've actually been listening to a lot of Mastodon lately, and I've been specifically interested in the Leviathan album. But I actually started writing this song a LOOOOOOONG time ago (like 2 years ago...), but I decided to **** it and start over from scratch with the same concept. Listening to Leviathan just reinspired me to write it and what not. And it's not finished lol. I planned on making it like a story of the fisherman who goes out to sea, gets eaten, regurgitated (eventually), then goes back to hunt down and kill the whale (Moby Dick lol). So it's not just you... I totally agree!
#5
You mean suggestions for the eyes/lies combination thing? If so, I'll think on it, but I really am not good at writing, as I believe you already saw me saying in a different post, haha. I'll get back to you if I come up with something.
#6
"You've heard all of the tall tales,
in which you don't believe,
But here it is before you now,"
And then a line here to rhyme with believe- perhaps something about the sea? I don't know. Haha, I'm useless. This is different to how I would write, so it's difficult. When I write, I tend not to worry if it rhymes or not... you could try using a rhyming dictionary if you really want the rhyme there..?
Sorry for my overall rather unhelpful contribution!
#7
Quote by youcanthelpit
"You've heard all of the tall tales,
in which you don't believe,
But here it is before you now,"
And then a line here to rhyme with believe- perhaps something about the sea? I don't know. Haha, I'm useless. This is different to how I would write, so it's difficult. When I write, I tend not to worry if it rhymes or not... you could try using a rhyming dictionary if you really want the rhyme there..?
Sorry for my overall rather unhelpful contribution!


Hmm, Maybe that believe/sea thing MIGHT work... but I'll look some other junk that rhymes with believe....

And I'm trying to make my lyrics sound good without the rhyming.... but It's kinda tought for me D:
#8
If you're struggling to write without rhyming, then might I suggest that when you have an idea for a song, write it as a story and see what happens. Then develop the story into a song, without bothering too much about rhyming... I dunno, I like using words that don't strictly (<--thank god for spell check) rhyme for example believe and sea, as I suggested, which don't technically rhyme, but I think could sound okay.

Might I ask if you could take a look at what I posted as, despite being afraid of posting, I have got no feedback whatsoever.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1070193
#9
Quote by youcanthelpit
If you're struggling to write without rhyming, then might I suggest that when you have an idea for a song, write it as a story and see what happens. Then develop the story into a song, without bothering too much about rhyming... I dunno, I like using words that don't strictly (<--thank god for spell check) rhyme for example believe and sea, as I suggested, which don't technically rhyme, but I think could sound okay.

Might I ask if you could take a look at what I posted as, despite being afraid of posting, I have got no feedback whatsoever.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1070193


Consider yourself....


CRIT-ED.
#10
I like the eyes/lies combo as in this case it's not what i would call the typical context for that kind of thing. "Tad bit" should definitely go though. "Little bit" sounds fine to me; see how it goes.
#11
Quote by ameer
I like the eyes/lies combo as in this case it's not what i would call the typical context for that kind of thing. "Tad bit" should definitely go though. "Little bit" sounds fine to me; see how it goes.


Hmm, i thought of it with "little bit", but instead i just put bit. "little" kinda through it off for me.
#12
Personally, I thought this was great. It has things about it that need improving, but I thought it was great - actual song lyrics , don't see that too often round deez here parts. I see this as being a bit Irish drinking song like, but maybe more fast punk like, maybe a minute, minute and a half, no more than two minutes long.

For the crits

I think you should find a good name for the ship- nothing too flashy, but something better and more ship name sounding than The Dream.

really like the bit about prosperity.

It goes pretty suddenly though from 'prosperity' to thunder and storming seas and ship being thrown fore and aft, .. there's no area in between. But, there doesn't necessarily need to be, it just strikes me as such.

And, I think the last four lines should be nixed. You're already in the belly of the beast, you don't need to give it another verse.

This though, should be something that you give a little bit of time to. Ask your friends for suggestions as to 'massaging' the lyrics a bit, - taking out a word here, adding a word there, so there's no part that you might be a little red-faced about if you were singing it to a small room of people. that's always the marking stick. This could be a really cool little tune.. - I say that because if it's too drawn out, it'll get annoying , like "yeah, I know, the ****ing beast".. but the song itself could be longer with extended jam section if it's done well and what not. Anyway, I liked it.
#13
Quote by parkt921k
Personally, I thought this was great. It has things about it that need improving, but I thought it was great - actual song lyrics , don't see that too often round deez here parts. I see this as being a bit Irish drinking song like, but maybe more fast punk like, maybe a minute, minute and a half, no more than two minutes long.

For the crits

I think you should find a good name for the ship- nothing too flashy, but something better and more ship name sounding than The Dream.

really like the bit about prosperity.

It goes pretty suddenly though from 'prosperity' to thunder and storming seas and ship being thrown fore and aft, .. there's no area in between. But, there doesn't necessarily need to be, it just strikes me as such.

And, I think the last four lines should be nixed. You're already in the belly of the beast, you don't need to give it another verse.

This though, should be something that you give a little bit of time to. Ask your friends for suggestions as to 'massaging' the lyrics a bit, - taking out a word here, adding a word there, so there's no part that you might be a little red-faced about if you were singing it to a small room of people. that's always the marking stick. This could be a really cool little tune.. - I say that because if it's too drawn out, it'll get annoying , like "yeah, I know, the ****ing beast".. but the song itself could be longer with extended jam section if it's done well and what not. Anyway, I liked it.


Hmm... i guess I kinda agree with you on the drinkin' song part. It could end up like one of those songs that fishermen tell after they dock then walk into a bar or something :O

But I was planning on making it quite long... like this is only the first bit of it. I still need to add the part of the "escape" from the whale, and then the "hunting" of the whale... which could end up entirely different tunes in themselves... like epic parts :O
#14
Well, I think I'm gunna start working on the 2nd part for this song. Pt. II - The Emergence, should be done within the next week, and I'll post it in this same thread. Crits for previous part (s) of the song are totally welcome, and I hope you guys'll like reading the second part
#15
This turned out to be really long, but let me say I only got this into it because the original piece is very, very good

Okay, I'm totally hearing Maiden, here. Or Tyr. Let's go with Tyr.

Some suggestions:

You can feel the crushing thunder,
The clouds and lighting over head,
Shall the surging waves pull you under?
Or your ship be torn asunder?


This bit would make a hella chorus, and I'd use the last two stanzas as a bridge, so that it looked like this:


All aboard "The Dream"
Setting out to sea,
On a mission to bring your family,
A bit of prosperity

You can feel the crushing thunder,
The clouds and lighting over head,
Shall the surging waves pull you under?
Or your ship be torn asunder?

And forward with the rising tide,
you catch a glimpse of death,
It leaps out of the water,
And you're petrified...and out of breath

You've heard all of the tall tales,
Yet thought they were just lies,
But here it is before you now,
Staring you in the eyes.

You can feel the crushing thunder,
The clouds and lighting over head,
Shall the surging waves pull you under?
Or your ship be torn asunder?

Engulfed by this hellish monster,
There you'll remain, unreleased,
Trapped inside this massive whale,
In the Belly of the Beast.

Confined in the stomach of a demon,
You seem to have been its lunch to say the least,
Imprisoned with your crew,
In the Belly of the Beast.

You can feel the crushing thunder,
The clouds and lighting over head,
Shall the surging waves pull you under?
Or your ship be torn asunder?

In the Belly of the Beast


You probably need some kind of coda at the end to resolve, since the "or your ship be torn asunder?" is an ass way to end a song I went with the title, but follow your bliss, man, this is just me.

If you did something like that, I would probably also change the phrase "surging waves" to something with two syllables: surge-pull, for instance. Something nordic, like that. You'd have to change the verb, too, in that case.

You could also (and alternately to ending the song with the "Belly of the Beast" line, or additionally, if you want over-the-top metal (and who doesn't? )) throw in a line about "you'll be wishing you were dead" or something like that to rhyme with "overhead" (which is one word, by the way...).

Last minor quibble: I'd change the word "yet" in the third verse (by my system) to "you" for strategic actually-singing-the-thing purposes. I'd also change some wording in the "leaps out of the water" for similar reasons of scansion.

So. The Nilchii-ized version of the song would look like this:

All aboard "The Dream"
Setting out to sea,
On a mission to bring your family,
A bit of prosperity

You can feel the crushing thunder,
The clouds and lighting over head,
Shall the surge-pull suck you under?
Or your ship be torn asunder?
You'll be wishing you were dead!

And forward with the rising tide,
You'll catch a glimpse of death,
As it leaps out of the water,
You're petrified...and out of breath

You've heard all of the tall tales,
You thought they were just lies,
But here it is before you now,
Staring you in the eyes.

You can feel the crushing thunder,
The clouds and lighting over head,
Shall the surge-pull suck you under?
Or your ship be torn asunder?
You'll be wishing you were dead!

Engulfed by this hellish monster,
There you'll remain, unreleased,
Trapped inside this massive whale,
In the Belly of the Beast.

Confined in the stomach of a demon,
You seem to have been its lunch to say the least,
Imprisoned with your crew,
In the Belly of the Beast.

You can feel the crushing thunder,
The clouds and lighting over head,
Shall the surge-pull suck you under?
Or your ship be torn asunder?
You'll be wishing you were dead!

In the Belly of the Beast


Season with Scandinavian guitar bombast or British speed to taste. Serve HOT!

peace
Last edited by Nilchii at Feb 23, 2009,
#16
Damn dude. Seriously Nilchii.... that's like the greatest ****ing crit I could've ever received. That was detailed as hell lol.

You've got some good ideas, man. I'll consider 'em :P
#17
I like the first 3 verses, but the next stanza was cliche and dull for me. You begin with a story, a good one, and then this comes. Kind of an anticlimax. If you cut it out entirely the piece would not suffer.
#18
Quote by mamosa
I like the first 3 verses, but the next stanza was cliche and dull for me. You begin with a story, a good one, and then this comes. Kind of an anticlimax. If you cut it out entirely the piece would not suffer.


Hm, but if I were to cut it out, I feel like there's a gap that needs to be filled, and that'd be too short. Any ideas of what I could replace it with?