#1
Cliff,


i read the little poem you wrote.
found it in the glove box of my car,
pulled over after I drove you home,
underneath the stars.


i can just hear them laughing
as they go out to the car
coca cola caffiene
walking out the door
sick of wanting you to be someone
you wave and stare right through me
and i feel as if I'm the setting sun
clinging to a cliff like an action movie
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Feb 17, 2009,
#2
and i feel like the setting sun
clinging to a cliff like an action movie

too many "like"s

i like to think ill be back.
this was enjoyable, but im sure there is more to say on this.

The first stanza, i felt, kept.. going back over itself - specifically the first two lines. you say you saw it, then just as i feel its going somewhere you say you found it. go chronothingalogically.
#3
I agree with everything that ginjaninja said, and also, in the second stanza you have walk out/walking out in quick succession. Generally, I think this piece is good, I just feel that you need to reword a couple of the lines.
#4
well it is sort of. It's meant to be like it's being said to somebody. I'm trying to say: I saw the poem you wrote. I found it while pulled over (hinting at getting a ticket or something going wrong with the car-that being the reason I was in the glovebox- but I left it kind of open ended on purpose. Not sure if it worked.)

I tried a quick fix on the "like" thing too. Thanks

and thanks youcan, I'll try to change the walk thing
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#5
If you want to keep what you are saying with the "glove box"- and I do understand what you were trying to do with it- perhaps you could change it to something like:

"I saw the little poem you wrote
and left in the glove box of my car,"

I dunno, you may not like it, but that way it explains where you found it without saying you saw it and you found it.

PS. I love Broken Social Scene. : )
#6
PS. I love Broken Social Scene. : )

cool they're great.

and i think I'm gonna change saw to read so it's a little less repetitive. I'm probably gonna leave the found part because I like the way it falls together now.

thanks again for you're help
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
As of yet, I find this quite difficult and cumbersome to read and can't get into it because of that. Remind me if I don't come back, please.