#1
Alone I Sail:

Here We Are Again Sailing on the sea
Voices of the Dead, Radiate at me
While Death whispers around every corner
Now alone on a ship on the water
I wait.....
cursed by this lifeless force
I wait.... I wait for you.

I feel alive the most
Staring at your ghost
And now I know
Nothing Lasts forever

Now, Alone I sail
On the Water
Alone, Searching for your ghost
Searching for the life I miss most…


that is what so far the lyrics are
please tell me what you think of them
still in babe form thanks =D



Quote by Gunpowder
Thrashturbating? Most metal of all ways to pleasure oneself.
#2
"This lifeless force" is way too general. Be more specific. Also i feel that the first three lines can all be split in two. It just seems to flow better that way. I really liked the "I feel alive the most/staring at your ghost" lines. Pretty bad-ass. Anyways, I really think you should expand on this. It just feels like a rough draft. Add some more details, (the hurricanes at sea,seasickness, how he misses his hometown, maybe even something about a leviathan, whatever). You have a good idea here, you just need to flowe it up to bring it more to life.

Crit mine please
Broken Hearts For Broken Toys
#3
Quote by maximumrocker
Alone I Sail:

I feel alive the most
Staring at your ghost
And now I know
Nothing Lasts forever



Obviously I don't know how the song goes, but if I were you, I'd unite the last two lines of that and then make another that rhymes with it, maybe rhyming the middle of the lines as well. so:

I feel alive the most
Staring at your ghost
And now I know nothing Lasts forever
By the winds that blow me now and never


or something. XD