#1
leave a link and i'll critique it.


Big Bertha.

So what fan blade cometh? Wooden framed
touched like cordial cherries, softly with
red glazed fingers. Kitten paws, couch moves,
bed frames twist, door knob turns, and I pause.
'Hello?"
"Yeah it's me."
"Come in."
My sleeping cat, unnamed, laid on the floor,
while we coddled our interests like a newborn;
it's a shame now, looking forward ten years or so
that she'll never give birth. Some sort of vagina thing.

"So, in the politics of the world three things happen regularly;
you've got your births
your deaths
and your abortions.
This applies to all things, and can be filed under any, as each
essentially represents one part of a concentric circle.
Positive
Negative
and abortions (I can't think of a good metaphor for that one)
Either way, take for instance war, we'd classify that under....
Deaths!
and what about government funding....
Births!" The television was talking loudly now
but a cognitive dissonance was taking place and I
was beginning to focus now on what I was doing
rather than what I was hearing,
behind the nice and pretty face that sat on my lap;
bouncing up and down. In the space of listening to what
ever was pour into my ears, I'd classify this under
abortion.

Taken advantage for expensive mushrooms, truffled
snout like a pig, her face in the muddy'd sheets burried
between
her heavy hair and the four hundred thread count. Snow
flaked patterns that bled their red stitched design into
her pale skin like blood grass from the giant walking
tripods. We were bursting within our own skin, watching worthy
causes on the leisure box, save a child with a penny a day...
birth, birth, birth. That's all she wants,
birth, birth, birth. that's all she wants,
a child to grow inside of her stomach,
birth,
birth,
birth.


www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#3
I liked this Matt.

Specifically the descriptives because they weren't overbearing but still let the reader know exactly what was going on.

My only complaint was the ending. It didn't feel like the right place to stop, like either you need two more lines, or else maybe need to cut it off before the last three "births". Just a thought anyways.

Good stuff though. Clever.

I know this hardly warrants a return comment, but if you feel like it...
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1068185
#4
thanks a lot you two. I'll try and get to yours soon, I've got street fighter 4 to play.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#5
It's sort of a mix between your originality and classyness, and the odd quirks I don't like so much.

Things like "Taken advantage for expensive mushrooms, truffled/ snout like a pig, her face in the muddy'd sheets burried/ between/ her heavy hair and the four hundred thread count." is why I read you, fluff like "Some sort of vagina thing." and;

Positive
Negative
and abortions (I can't think of a good metaphor for that one)
Either way, take for instance war, we'd classify that under....
Deaths!
and what about government funding....
Births!


remind me that sometimes you can be far less classy, imo a little immature and less of a wordsmith, more a joker. These parts tend to take me out of the writing because they lack the same cut, the same cleverness.

Like Dylface said, your internal rhyming was cool, like most of the technical side, but you tend to roll out the vaginas and the like way too much.

I've said it before, but I'll always consider you a better writer when you leave the fart jokes out.

Have fun being Ryu, or w/e.
#6
I actually really liked "Some sort of vagina thing". I thought it added an extra layer of character and complexity to this. That being said, I did feel the piece really dragged down at:
"Positive
Negative
and abortions (I can't think of a good metaphor for that one)
Either way, take for instance war, we'd classify that under....
Deaths!
and what about government funding....
Births!"

There were places were this really shined, the whole first stanza and the last were amazing. I just feel it sagged and weakened a little during the whole dialogue part of the second stanza. Just my opinion. If you deem it worthy, can you have a look at the link in my sig? "do us all a favour and just shoot the bastard". I'm dying for a decent crit, and I think you might be just the person to rip me two new arseholes.