#1
Next to you I seem extremely lazy;
the hard graft put in with gripping
this shaft, dragging the nib over the
page, making my mark.

I see you with your spade marking,
plotting a path and digging. You
lay the dead remarkably well. No
one does it quite like you -

the neat shovel shape you have as
you plunge the nose into the mud,
barely breaking sweat or flesh. Me,
you can hear the creak of cartilage,

the taste of blood. Sometimes the
sting gets too much and I vomit.
You never vomit, even when you
blanket the departed afterwards.

If I ever lay this pen to rest, I'd
want you to dig it's grave. I know
you'd leave a back door for me,
so I can pick it straight back up.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Feb 18, 2009,
#2
Very smart.

The first stanza confused the hell outa me for a second. but I must admit it grew on me. only points were the use of the word "graft" what did you mean by it? dictionary was no help. And the word "extremely" seems somehow out of place... maybe something along the lines of "curiously"?? or not. upto you i guess.

Second part is really nice. Only thing that bothered me was the sentences ending one word before the line. not entirely sure why that was, possibly some convention that im unaware of? kinda took away from the flow methinks. loved the use of the word "remarkably".

The taste of blood... are you chewing your cheek as you write? cos I do that! maybe leaving the "afterwards" out would sound cool?

I enjoyed the way the last stanza brought the digger and you back together, that was a sweet way of ending it.

so yeah. havent done this before, and i hope i was helpful.
I must admit to being slightly annoyed that I cant seem to get a peice like this right .
#4
Quote by Jammydude44
Next to you I seem extremely lazy;
the hard graft put in with gripping
this shaft, dragging the nib over the
page, making my mark.

it's cool that after these first 4, the reader doesn't yet know what you're talking about, but does - because of the title. little nib of a fountainpen. graft, as in a hard grip skin's almost becoming one with what's being gripped?

I see you with your spade marking,
plotting a path and digging. You
lay the dead remarkably well. No
one does it quite like you -

I don't really know why I like the first three lines, but I do. maybe because they're written well. but the last line - now, I'm not even sure if you realize this but it's like you're a boy band singing about a girl, but, in this case, it isn't a girl; it's a gravedigger. nice


the neat shovel shape you have as
you plunge the nose into the mud,
barely breaking sweat or flesh. Me,
you can hear the creak of cartilage,

you had me until sweat, but I don't quite get 'flesh', .. is there a danger of the gravedigger jacking that shovel straight into a freshly dug in corpse? (obv. not.. but that's what I thought automatically at first) or is that a way of saying guy's muscles can take that strain? if so, I don't think it was quite successful..
I do like that when you dig graves, you're not used to it, and there's some crack cracking while shovel shoveling


the taste of blood. Sometimes the
sting gets too much and I vomit.
You never vomit, even when you
blanket the departed afterwards.

blood? I think this should be qualified somehow. Because it's not like every time you shovel a little dirt there's 'taste of blood'. Maybe 'frequent' or 'infrequent', .. 'occasional'. Just, it's too kind of 'um, I don't know about that blood thing' without a qualifier of some sort. I do like that the man never vomits, and you sometimes do.


If I ever lay this pen to rest, I'd
want you to dig it's grave. I know
you'd leave a back door for me,
so I can pick it straight back up.


I didn't think I would like the last 4 very much, but I actually think I kind of do - because the idea of 'leave a back door for me,' well, I like it, and it's poetic in a kind of Victorian sort of a way. The reason I didnt think i'd like it is the 'If I ever lay this pen to rest' part, it seems a bit cliche and self-important, but the freshness of that third line makes it work. Although the last four aren't a straight line to 'wow that's amazing', it's warbly from eh to ok to really cool to ok, I dig it.


That's one way I could put it: I dig it. I like how you got a lot across in 20 lines, very neat. Looking forward to your next. If you get a chance:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1071246
#5
Quote by Jammydude44

Finally returning crits.
Next to you I seem extremely lazy;
the hard graft put in with gripping
this shaft, dragging the nib over the
page, making my mark.
I think you could use a more original phrase than "making my mark". It seemed like an excuse for alliteration. The rest of it was interesting to say the least. Words like "nib" and "graft" certainly drew me in.
I see you with your spade marking,
plotting a path and digging. You I would reword the last two lines because they seem uncertain grammatically speaking
lay the dead remarkably well. No
one does it quite like you -
The line breaks in this one were disconcerting, and even if its intentional, that doesn't mean I like it. However, the way you're already setting up a comparison is very nice.
the neat shovel shape you have as
you plunge the nose into the mud,
barely breaking sweat or flesh. Me,
you can hear the creak of cartilage,

the taste of blood. Sometimes the
sting gets too much and I vomit.
You never vomit, even when you
blanket the departed afterwards.
A return to the readable linebreaks of the first stanza. The way you conveyed the process of writing is great. This is all very down-to-earth stuff.
If I ever lay this pen to rest, I'd
want you to dig it's grave. I know
you'd leave a back door for me,
so I can pick it straight back up.
The last phrase "straight back up" felt odd. It's should be its. A great way to finish.


I liked it. It didn't blow me away like your January stuff did, it felt like you were getting back to the basics somewhat. Very original in terms of theme though. Sorry for this crit that was actually mostly praise.
#7
^Why are the stanzas stupid?


I absolutely can't get Seamus Heaney's Digging out my head whilst reading this. pen/spade you sitting with your pen and paper listening to the other digging and drawing comparisons, the praise for the digger the self-effacing nature of the 'intellectual' character etc. It's quite superficial but I thought it was worth saying, it was a little bothersome

Next to you I seem extremely lazy;
the hard graft put in with gripping
this shaft, dragging the nib over the
page, making my mark.

I see you with your spade marking,
plotting a path and digging. You
lay the dead remarkably well. No
one does it quite like you -

Don't like the repeated you as a rhyme.

the neat shovel shape you have as
you plunge the nose into the mud,
barely breaking sweat or flesh. Me,
you can hear the creak of cartilage,

the taste of blood. Sometimes the
sting gets too much and I vomit.
You never vomit, even when you
blanket the departed afterwards.

If I ever lay this pen to rest, I'd
want you to dig it's grave. I know
you'd leave a back door for me,
so I can pick it straight back up.


I pretty much liked it aside from that one rhyme, but it's like someone singing an Aretha Franklin song. You've set yourself up for a fall by creating so many associations with that poem. And I don't think I'm over egging this.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#10
You're a square

I see what you're saying Stu. Though I think this qualifies itself as it's own work. I was just riffing in the same key.

Thanks for all the replies guys. Plenty to work with.

I owe several of you. Your names are tatooed on me for'head
#11
Quote by meh!

I absolutely can't get Seamus Heaney's Digging out my head whilst reading this.


This is exactly what I got from it. I enjoyed it as a piece but couldn't help but think it was reiterating someone else's words. I did really enjoy it though.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!