#1
My Therapist is a Masochist
“I just don’t know what to do anymore…”

Lie to my face with your f-f-fake advice
[Your mouth is only a leaky faucet]
And just as well
You don’t listen when I spill my guts;
You’re already doing it in your mind
Give me a slice just under the ribs
That’s the spot
Now dice me up like moldy tofu
“I’ve tried so hard and twisted my second chances into nothing…”

And now you envision the rest spilling out
Spaghetti and meatballs
Twirling me up with your pitchfork
[Don’t soil that new white shirt; But don’t hold back]
You know you want to tear me apart
But you won’t say it to me
“I feel like I’ve alienated myself from the crew…”

[A sea captain with aqua dementia]
One day you’re the leader; the next you’re the plague
You slip back to your fantasy
I'm roasting over a spit
Tenderized with your filthy hammers
15 minutes a pound outta do it
“Everything else is just falling apart…”

[A house of cards waiting for a gust of wind to roll on in]
Strong enough to muster some attention
But it’s only temporary
Just as you see me now:
The leper King
Outcast and spit upon
“I’m so glad I have someone like you to talk to…”

Why are you still listening?
Feigning attention
I ask you why; Spit out a fresh lie.
Just one white raindrop to make me forget
[But what’s really bound by plastic pupils and fibrous extensions?]
You see me dying of thirst is that it?
Caught in a drought... Mojave dry
[Twiddle my thumbs as I wait for your river to run]
“I just wish we could’ve met at a better time…”

[All i want is to turn back the c-c-clock
Oh sweet nostalgia
Weeks... Months... Years even?
]
So I can watch the gears spin just a while longer
Let my mind linger
And now you’re pushing me in behind those gorgeous green eyes
You’re watching me squirm; Caught in the grind
And you love it don’t you?
Just waiting for me to beg for your help
Is it really better to die on your feet?
Living on hands and knees doesn’t sound too bad right about now
“I never should have made you my ‘surrogate therapist’…”

And now the secrets are out
[You know too much but I can’t help myself
There I am again
Hanging the wall
A disintegrating painting
Skin flaking; My blood thinning
Funny how it always come back to this
Torturing me with those delicate fingers
Undoing me with your eyes
]
But I know your true colors
Even if you won’t fly them

“…I just want you to know that I really appreciate you being there for me.”

Fire off another few lies at me
You don’t mind
You love to listen
You just want to make me happy
But it’s okay

Try to blend day and delusion
It’s easier to pretend
And believe that I still have one person who cares
Someone to make me feel weak when I come crawling
[Jerk me back up from that noose around my neck
Fingers left behind in the dirt
]
But it’s okay

Imaginations are just as good
Fictional realities
Inter-dimensional drifting
Trying to find my way back
Or maybe I'm not...
But it’s okay

As long as were on the same page
[Pretend to care while I pretend to believe you
A perfect match, perhaps?
]
And I tell myself that it was just a moment of weakness,
While I write another poem


Never thought of myself as much of a writer, so it's open to any and all suggestions.

2/20 - "Major" edits in red.
Last edited by PissInMyShoeses at Feb 19, 2009,
#3
Quote by saberrocks
It's awesome. Exactly my reason to NOT see a therapist or psychiatrist.

It's not supposed to be a "real" therapist
Just a friend i decided to confide in, but i don't think she really cares.
I get what you mean though.
#4
Nice piece dood.

It was hella long, but i feel that the read was totally worthwhile. It was poetic and imaginative... and I felt the emotion in it. ****in' awesome.
#5
Quote by PissInMyShoeses
My Therapist is a Masochist
“I just don’t know what to do anymore…”

Lie to my face with your f-f-fake advice
Your use of the repeated "f's" is borderline inventive, but doesn't quite reach the limit of it's appeal as you don't fully utilize the same process enough times to make sure the point of it is noticeable present. I reckon that if you decide to use devices such as this, without them hitting home hard enough, they just become pointless and gimmicky.
I trust you like a leather handbag in a hurricane
Once again, I fear the analogy has very little relevance to the piece. You need to make sure that you don't write down the first cool simile that pops into your mind. Try and organize it so that it starkly coincides with the theme, or even just another thought in the poem, which you have enough of.

And just as well
You don’t listen when I spill my guts
I don't like the line break, although I can see what you are trying to accomplish.

You’re already doing it in your mind
Without proper punctuation, this lacks punch and feels overtly disconnected from it's neighbouring lines.
Give me a slice just under the ribs
That’s the spot
Now dice me up good like moldy tofu
"good" is unnecessary here as it disrupts the flow quite disturbingly, and doesn't suit the flow of what you are trying to say, either. The analogy here is a little quirky, but not demanding like the previous one was. This was just cute, quaint and funny, which is fine, even if it is not repeated later on in the piece, and because this is a little satirical and cynical, it suits the humour. I think “moldy” is spelt 'mouldy'?

“I’ve tried so hard and twisted my second chances into nothing…”

I find these sections here indented to be quite clever and worthwhile keeping, but it feels difficult to accompany them to the feel of the piece. What you are saying in them seems random in conjunction with the overall theme, and thus making them pretentious and forceful.
And now you envision the rest spilling out
Spaghetti and meatballs
Twirling me up with your pitchfork
Don’t spill on that new white shirt
"spill" is repeated too many times in the poem, but I enjoyed the strong sense of oddness and piss-take that this is starting to display itself, but you are still retaining a sense of poetic prowess, and thus keeping your options open, varied, yet consistent at the same time.
But don’t hold back
You know you want to tear me apart
But you won’t say it to me
Too many "but's", it makes for a cumbersome and lazy read. You need to sharpen things up, edit it more before posting, making sure that you utilize the full language and the full extent of grammar, flow, poetical methods, etc. The way you are writing is overly simple and doesn't add to the tone I mentioned before.

“I feel like I’ve alienated myself from the crew…”

Like a pedophilic teacher
I'm not sure that's a real word?
One day you’re the leader
And the next you’re the plague
You slip back to your fantasy
I didn't like any of this; it felt like you were trying to be dirty and devilish for the sake of it; for the sake of thrills. Although it does add a slight edge to the diction. Only because it is accompanied by the next few lines is it passable.

Me roasting over a spit
Tenderized with your filthy hammers
Kill the Disease
This line is cheesy.

You don’t want to catch it now do you?
Its spreading fast
This wasn't great at all, apart from the "tenderize" imagery.

“Everything else is just falling apart…”

Like a house of cards
Blowin’ in the wind
A bit simple and crummy really, this is...

Strong enough to grab attention
But it’s only temporary
Just as you see me now
The leper King
Outcast and spit upon
... but this succeeds where the poor opening fails miserably.

“I’m so glad I have someone like you to talk to…”

Why are you still listening?
Feigning attention
And I ask you why
And you Lie again
Just one white raindrop to make me forget
I like this, I just feel the overuse of capitalization is draining the writers attention and forcing the focus to the start of the line, which is just "and", and there is no need to bring collectivity towards a word as basic as that.
But what’s really happening betwixt those plastic pupils and flowing extensions?
Very good, but "betwixt" - I've never seen a writer I like that has used that word and walked away with a smile of success and received similar smiles of appreciation and admiration. It's just a stupid, arrogant word.
You see me dying of thirst is that it?
Caught in a drought
Mojave dry
And your river doesn’t run for me
Guzzled by the other beasts
Who leave none in my time of need
I really enjoyed the imagery and change of sensation - it takes on a deeper, more intelligent platform - but the flow is stuttered and irritated. Just walk away from it, come back with a clear head and read it through quickly and where it sounds poor, focus on correcting that particular area and re-post it.

“I just wish we could’ve met at a better time…”

These are starting to make a little more sense...
I want to just turn back the c-c-clock
Ah, here we are... I'm glad you brought this back in.

Oh sweet nostalgia
Weeks
Months
Years even?
So I can watch the gears spin
Just a while longer
Let my mind linger
And now you’re pushing me in
Behind those gorgeous green eyes
You’re watching me squirm
Caught in the grind
And you love it don’t you?
Just waiting for me to beg for your help
Is it really better to die on your feet?
Living on hands and knees doesn’t sound too bad right about now
This is very good stuff; it reeks of intelligence and clear talent, but it needs pruning drastically. Without full-stops and other punctuation, this falls away often and if, by this point, the reader was bored, or was excessively displeased with the way in which it's worded and broken, then I wouldn't be surprised if they walk away saying nothing.
“I never should have made you my ‘surrogate therapist’…”

And now the secrets are out
You know too much
But I can’t help it
These shackles were too heavy for me
Boring.
There I am again
Chained to the wall
My blood thinning
I like this line, but it's predecessors are a little dull and uninteresting and the line here is not strong enough to carry it's own weight.

Funny how it always come back to this
You torturing me with those delicate fingers
Undressing me with your eyes
A bit too far, eh?
I don't feel this line here is necessary; you're saying a lot about yourself and making it too personal. If you keep the reader at a distance, you know where you are in conjunction with him, and then, have more control over what he is reading, thinking, yearning for, etc. (you can also create stronger imagery by being more mystical and fairy-tale-like. The contrast is key)
But I know your true colors
Even if you won’t fly them
One of the best two lines in the whole piece; simple, but striking.

“…I just want you to know that I really appreciate you being there for me.”

This is nice, although, there is a tendency to ignore these lines as they feel so fragmented from the rest of the piece. Maybe that was your goal, but this line is too personal and honest for me to believe that?

Fire off another few lies at me
You don’t mind
You love to listen
You just want to make me feel better
But it’s okay

Try to blend day and delusion
It’s easier to pretend
Very nice.

And believe that I still have one person who cares
Someone to make me feel weak when I come crawling
Fingers left behind in the dirt
Jerk me back up from that noose around my neck
A little tighter each time
Meh, these three lines could do with a re-working.

But it’s okay

Imaginations are just as good
Fictional realities
Inter-dimensional drifting
Trying to find my way back
Or maybe I'm not...
But it’s okay

As long as were on the same page
Pretend to care
And I’ll pretend to believe you
And your friendly advice
And I tell myself that it was just a moment of weakness
While I write another poem
Good work, but the same problems of flow is present, and my advice of proper punctuation and proper breaking of the lines still stands.


Never thought of myself as much of a writer, so it's open to any and all suggestions.


This is too long, for a start, there is no point writing all this material when most of the time, you are just repeating yourself. After that, all I can say is, I thoroughly enjoyed it and look forward to seeing your work again.
But still, try and edit it and be more precise with your writing, focusing on the little details and making sure that every line reads the way you want it to. Don't make excuses, just be downright honest with yourself; and that honesty will reflect into your words and will make the piece even more reachable.

Digitally Clean
#6
Quote by AngryGoldfish
This is too long, for a start, there is no point writing all this material when most of the time, you are just repeating yourself. After that, all I can say is, I thoroughly enjoyed it and look forward to seeing your work again.
But still, try and edit it and be more precise with your writing, focusing on the little details and making sure that every line reads the way you want it to. Don't make excuses, just be downright honest with yourself; and that honesty will reflect into your words and will make the piece even more reachable.

Digitally Clean

Thanks.
I really appreciate when somebody takes the time to thoroughly dissect the writing.
I tried to make it smoother with some edits but it's still far from polished.
Haha, I think this is the first time I've ever really revised anything of mine and i gotta say coming back with a fresh mind really helps.