#1
Contained For Some Time


An empty box
with white walls that blankly stare
trap me here.
Full of nothing
and lucky for someone
nothing is like air
so, breathe for now,
but I'm suffocating.

A door and a window
break the pattern of empty.
Locks fill exits
and lucky for someone
locks don't stop glass from breaking
so run and jump
but six stories up I'm falling.


------------------------------------------------------------------

Tear it up. I know it needs revisions.
Leave links if you want a crit back.
#2
Ok, will attempt to tear.

An empty box
It's not empty, clearly. I don't think it's clever to suggest that, even though the subject is in it, it's empty
with white walls that blankly stare
I think if you could nicely associate it with the subject blankly staring this line would be good, at the moment it's not that pleasant.
trap me here.
Full of nothing
'Full of nothing' says nothing more than 'empty'. Brevity is ace.
and lucky for someone
the rhyme between nothing and someone is good, i just don't think the previous line justifies it.
nothing is like air
so, breathe for now,
but I'm suffocating.

Again the 'uh' assonance is good. Could be more of it though, to hold the piece together.

The meaning of these last four lines needs to be clearer, I think. 'nothing is like air, so, breathe for now'? I just don't get it.


A door and a window
break the pattern of empty.
Hmm, don't like the word pattern here. I think this sentiment could be expressed with less/better words. Internal rhymes again, though, good
Locks fill exits
Best image in the poem, only one that I really liked
and lucky for someone
locks don't stop glass from breaking
so run and jump
but six stories up I'm falling.

The final rhyme is good, creates a proper link between 'someone' and 'falling' that really rounds of the poem and resoundingly finishes it. Quite bleak though, it would be good (obviously this is entirely personal) to have something. You know, something redemptive in there. But not if you don't want that, just what i'd like to see.

Overall I thought it had some good bits, some images that you've expanded too much and I think this would be a good piece to revise.

C4C in my sig, if you'd like.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#3
A hollow box
with white walls that blankly stare,
stare back,

trap me here.
Full of nothing
and lucky for someone
nothing is like air
so, breathe for now,
but I'm suffocating.

A door and a window
break the arrangement of empty.
Locks fill exits
and lucky for someone
locks don't stop glass from breaking
so run and jump
but six stories up I'm falling.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Minor edits.
I would love to be able to clear up any confussion within the piece, especially with the air and suffocating lines, but I'm not quite sure how. I'm trying to show how "someone" is surving on nothing, but I'm killing myself because I can't help them.
Does that make sense? Not sure how to implement it better though.
And as far as hope goes, it would be great if the situation warrented it. However, its not there. The last stanza is supposed to represent me trying to get away, but obvioiusly the one way out isn't going to work out very well/ isn't a solution at all.

Any more that anyone feels like helping out, go for it.

-Ryan
#4
damn this is deep dude. i really like it, and would love to hear it if you ever record it as a song. this could deff go somewhere dude.
dave matthews might.. just.. be.. god..

Quote by gregs1020
yes, pointing it at your head will send the sound towards your head.


it's the same with guns too, before you go testing that one.
#6
Quote by Jared R. Boyd

An empty box
with white walls that blankly stare
trap me here.
Full of nothing
and lucky for someone
nothing is like air
so, breathe for now,
but I'm suffocating.
3rd line shouldn't be "traps me" ? If you are referring to the box. The three last line, "nothing is like air..." Dunno, didn't really do it for me. oO Found the comparison weird.

A door and a window
break the pattern of empty.
Locks fill exits
and lucky for someone
locks don't stop glass from breaking
so run and jump
but six stories up I'm falling.
2nd line, the wording seems a bit weird, i would suggest "break the emptiness" ?
"Locks fill exists" was brillant IMO. Nice way to word it.



Overall seems a bit short, I think it could have been more developed and given mor depths. But well, nice nonetheless.