#1
I always saw ghosts
when I was a child
dark corner of the room
would sometimes go wild

you can unimbed
this machine from my head
all the worlds' a bear
we do not play dead

(ch.)
I break
on your rocks
foghorn sounds
and I don't stop

I still have your bed
and your room in my head
lilty shades of white
and your moonlit skin

Mephostopholes
makes a deal with me
I can't feel my arm
I go back to sleep

(ch.)
I scrape
all your rocks
lighthouse's bright
but I can't stop

(pre-stellar*solo*)
I sail on
the sun it plays tricks on you
but it's best at night
and I am not afraid
_______
I always saw ghosts
when I was a child
dark corner of the room
would sometimes go wild


-dodgeball digital voice recorder recording can be found at about: www.myspace.com/cruelaprilofficial
Last edited by parkt921k at Feb 18, 2009,
#2
I'm kinda sick at the moment, and my brain's a little dazed for the time being, so I didn't quite understand the whole piece....

But the parts I did understand I loved. But it shouldn't matter if I understand it or not. What matters is if it makes sense and sounds good to you. I thought it flowed fairly awesomely (If I do say so mah-self ) and I liked it quite a bit! Keep writing man!
#3
First of all, thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. Anyways, i really like the mood of this piece. Has a very dark, somewhat romantic feel which I really dig. Anyways, the lst two lines of the first stanza, kind of bother me. They just don't flow well into each other. Also the second stanza bothers me a bit. It's not bad, it just seems like a bunch of random ideas thrown together with out any connection between them. (Maybe that's what you were going for? Also I don't understand the "all the worlds' a bear" line). Anyways, nice job, man and I look forwarding to reading more from you.
#4
Oooh i couldn't stop re-reading this. I thot it was really good. The message was difficult to understand but definately there.
#7
I have to say that, lyrically I don't like it. I mean, it's nothing special nor different. However, as a song (I listened to it at your Myspace), it really works. It has this haunting feeling to it that really goes along with the lyrics.

I'll try to say something more constructive.
#8
The tone in this is strong enough for me to ignore the sections that I don't like. It also suits the vocal stylings of the song. Well done, sorry for the brief comment, I don't feel I have anything overly constructive to say.
#9
edit: all can say at the moment is thanks, positive reinforcement where wasn't sure, and though still not totally, more than I was, and I think actually will record it. will keep an eye out for thems posts, esp you two marsvolt and seven. thanks for the good words Dan
Last edited by parkt921k at Feb 21, 2009,