#1
ok just wrote this one. need some critiqueing or however you spell that. but anyways c4c of course. its bout this girl i really like, but neways. . . .

Verse

Looking into her eyes
is like staring into the sea
but just one moment
tells me she's out of my league
right now it feels like
theres nothing i can do
but i would do anything
to just be with you

Chorus

I just wanna lay here
with you in my arms
and just lay still
and stare up at the stars

Verse

everytime you talk to me
my heart skips a beat
and everytime i see you
it lifts me off my feet
and whenever i'm around you
someting just feels right
I just wanna lay you down
and turn out the lights

Chorus

I just wanna lay here
with you in my arms
and just lay still
and stare up at the stars
and everytime i talk to you
i feel bigger than i am
i wish you knew what i'd do
just to be your man

Repeat chorus
dave matthews might.. just.. be.. god..

Quote by gregs1020
yes, pointing it at your head will send the sound towards your head.


it's the same with guns too, before you go testing that one.
#2
Hey I liked it. Really simple, straightforward. I got a soft sort of acoustic vibe from that. Is that what you thought when you wrote it?
#3
exactly man. i wrote it with a simple 4 chord, chord progression on my acoustic. appreciate the feedback man
dave matthews might.. just.. be.. god..

Quote by gregs1020
yes, pointing it at your head will send the sound towards your head.


it's the same with guns too, before you go testing that one.
#4
Mainstream, simple. Will probably make money to a nice acoustic backing. But it does lack substance and depth. The techniques used are brilliant but your focus is simplistic, and I don't think alot of people will care. You can write, but I'm not overwhemled by the topic, probably because I'm some dark, cynical horse :p. Sorry, no harm meant.
Life is precious,
So why waste time mouthing off shit with your every breath:
Don't you know there is no life after death.
#5
Verse

Looking into her eyes
is like staring into the sea
but just one moment
tells me she's out of my league
right now it feels like
theres nothing i can do
but i would do anything
to just be with you

Choose "her" or "you" or "she" you can't do all of them. It's confusing. I would suggest sticking with "you," but it is personal preference. I feel "you" is much more personal and direct. The fourth line is akward. league doesn't fit right.

Chorus

I just wanna lay here
with you in my arms
and just lay still
and stare up at the stars

Simple and straight forward. Just like the rest of the piece. Not a bad thing though.
I would add "in your eyes" as a final line to this.


Verse

everytime you talk to me
my heart skips a beat
and everytime i see you
it lifts me off my feet
and whenever i'm around you
someting just feels right
I just wanna lay you down
and turn out the lights

Sex reference in the last two lines is begging for the line addition in the chorus.
I got the feeling in the first stanza that this girl isn't reallyl interested in you? maybe if you changed the first line to "everytime you talk past me" it would continue that image?


Chorus

I just wanna lay here
with you in my arms
and just lay still
and stare up at the stars
and everytime i talk to you
i feel bigger than i am
i wish you knew what i'd do
just to be your man

This is just the chorus plus stuff lol. Not a bad thing, but replace the chorus before it with a bridge. that way you don't say the same thing twice in a row.
Now I am getting the impression that you talk to this girl alot? This is not clear, though im leaning toward thinking this.
Don't really care for the last line. The word "just" is akward. and "man" ehh. Not bad, but I would suggest playing around with different words.


Repeat chorus
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Overall a really simple, straight forward, and honest piece. I liked it.

Though I think I shouldn't have been listening to metal when reading this. lol. It could make an interesting metal piece though lol.

Basically this just needs some clarification and thats it. Everything else I stated was personal preference, though I feel it would make the piece alot more intriguing (sp? lol) Perhaps a bit of spice could do this piece alot. It is rather simplistic (cliche yeah but I don't feel cliche is always bad, and in fact I really hate that word alot) and some people will rip you for that, I think its nice to be simple and honest from time to time. especially if you are going to sing this to her.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1071031
^
If you want to crit one of mine.

-Ryan
#6
I really hear this as a simple punk song. It tells something that I think a lot of guys have felt, and it does it in a pretty effective way.

i wish you knew what i'd do
just to be your man


That's the only the last line that throws me. I don't think the "just" is awkward like Jared (Ryan?) said, but the "man" doesn't seem to fit with the rest of it. I can see what you were trying to do with it, but in this case I think "you" fits much better.

I wish I had more to say, but there's not really a lot I can add. It's a pretty solid composition.
#8
ok thanks all for the help. and to clarify if it helps the story is this, ok i've known this girl for a really long time, since like 3rd grade. And we used to hate each other but now were cool. Anyways at first it was cool just being friends, but now i'm completly falling for her. Were not the closests of friends but were cool, if you know what i mean. Anyways this girl is just gorgeous and i feel she might be a tad outta my league. But the first verse about not getting her attention and stuff is kinda like she notices me as a friend but nothing more, if that makes sense. like i try to like make a move and she thinks i'm just being a friend. just some background for those that asked
dave matthews might.. just.. be.. god..

Quote by gregs1020
yes, pointing it at your head will send the sound towards your head.


it's the same with guns too, before you go testing that one.
#9
ok i looked back on it and i like the in your eyes at the end of the chorus and all the she's are now you's. i also added a small part for the end. i'll repost in a little while with all the changes.
dave matthews might.. just.. be.. god..

Quote by gregs1020
yes, pointing it at your head will send the sound towards your head.


it's the same with guns too, before you go testing that one.
#10
That's the only the last line that throws me. I don't think the "just" is awkward like Jared (Ryan?) said, but the "man" doesn't seem to fit with the rest of it. I can see what you were trying to do with it, but in this case I think "you" fits much better.That's the only the last line that throws me. I don't think the "just" is awkward like Jared (Ryan?) said, but the "man" doesn't seem to fit with the rest of it. I can see what you were trying to do with it, but in this case I think "you" fits much better.


Yeah, I wasn't sure if it was the "man" or the "just" that was throwing me.
Either/Or. one of them needs to change.
Some suggestions?

i wish you knew what i'd do
just to be with you

i wish you knew what i'd do
let me be your man


Glad to see that I could help out! Good luck with this song.
I would love to hear a recording when you get it up and going.

-Ryan
#11
Overused theme, but it simple and it says what you feel. I see honesty in it and not it being forced cliché'd.

Only thing I would change is :
is like staring into the sea

to :
is like staring at the sea.

Other than that I would love to hear it with music.

If you have some time could you have a look at "Endless Dream" in my sig plz ?
#12
Not really much to critique, but I will say not a ton to praise either. Not to sound harsh, because I struggle with this too, but it seems a little simplistic. Perhaps see if you can sprinkle a few more powerful lines in there, like some newer images. If you can't it's still fine, but it might not really jump out any. Just spend a couple of minutes trying to think of things that you love, things that awe you into silence, things that are speechlessly beautiful, and then see if you can work it in somewhere.