#1
I don't know what this is. OTS


Crushed velvet tips.
The alphabet kiss
glossy corners,
verbs perch on her lips,
they're a melody now.
She aims at the sun,
conceives with her heart
and curses with her lungs.
She turns to the city,
knowing they've been pampered
with toothsome words.
She surrounds them with
a new sea, and greener scenery.
A modern mold where
every wish sold short
of a dollar, and
every child found short
of a collar
prove a liability.

There can't be guilt
if there's permission,
and there can't be permission
without a radio tower,
a satellite,
and nobody effing with
your airspace.

She tries to choke them out,
because she can't extend her mercies
to every ghost that
loves to laugh sincere
or every beatnik
that reads the morning paper,
to every bishop leaning
against east winds
or every mannequin
trying to dance
on factory limbs,

or maybe she could
if she would just look away.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Feb 19, 2009,
#4
"Crushed velvet tips."
I didn't like the bluntness that the full stop added. It was in a complete contrast to the lovely flowing language. Drop it, and either just leave it like that, or link it into the second line with one or two short words.

"and curses with her lungs."
Definitely one too many syllables.

"and nobody effing with"
Either use a euphemism or go all out; Don't sit on the fence.
- For this I think you should use fucking.


This is brilliant.

I came back over this time and time again, but that's it.

Really, what randy and kyle said :P
Last edited by ginjaninja at Feb 19, 2009,
#5
Thanks a lot Randy and Kyle.

Sam... I wasn't too sure myself how well the first line worked like that. I may wait for a couple more opinions on it before I change that though. It will be an easy fix regardless. I'm still up in the air on whether or not to change the curse/lungs line too.

As for using "effing", I did that because it's more fitting to the tone I was going for than using the actual word (which honestly I don't use anyways) would be.

Thanks a lot though, I appreciate the words.

#10
I'll read this again and again and again.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
^No, it should be "prove". Thanks though.

Thanks a lot everyone. It's good to know that I can still put something half decent together once in a while.

And sorry if this seems like a shameless bump ... I'd been away for a couple days and couldn't reply sooner.

Thanks again.