#1
well, some people seem to be liking this, so yeah. i thought i'd post it and maybe work on it a bit more. written for the valentine comp. c4c


of you, oh you.


she's got many souls inside of her,
one for each day
or week or month if the weather's
good enough to guarantee that nice, warm buzz
i imagine it's hard deciding which ones to sell
and which ones to keep
but hey - it could be worse
i mean, she could be free or some other spiritual shit.
she says you can't buy love, but she's selling
(not that anyone gives a damn, really)
and like a child reading his favorite fairy tale for the
hundredth time, she’s expecting a happy ending.

i sent her a letter the other day
i decorated it using my little cousin's crayons
drew sunny skies, starry nights, purple hills and tornado lies
all within a few centimeters apart
she didn’t mind, but it reminded her of our lovely/lonely times
i told her i didn't miss her at all (its true!)
and thanked her for all the blisters and
hipster wit and wine bottles and acting tips we shared together.
we never really had a “first kiss”, but there sure was a tenth
and a fifth and a second where i realized i didn't give a shit about her.
we used to throw matches into wells just to see
if we could get a glimpse of what's it like down
there. no luck or fun, but it was us.

now, last week she was here, packing her stuff
a couple of shirts this way, some socks over there
a whole box of intact eatable underwear,
home-recorded CDs for the long, long road trip
and between rays of light/lies and a whole city
of clouds down below
she said goodbye, as if there
was ever a hello.
#2
The only thing I could find something to say about was this part :

one for each day
or week or month if the weather's

I would have put "one week" into brackets. Dunno why, maybe just a personal preference.

The two last lines I found really good. And overall found it really great.

I know this wasn't much of a crit but feel free to look at "Endless Dream" in my sig if you'd like.
#3
thanks for your comment, uver. i don't think it will work better on brackets, don't really see a need for them, to be honest, but thanks for reading. i'll get back to you when i get home from school