#1
Of Montreal (Fireworks)

We were in a nightmare

Were next to a swimming pool,
the light came in all afternoon
only to leave unannounced,
like an animal fleeing a storm.

The night air felt cool,
and your fist
clenching and uncurling on my stomach.

I was breathing, I was breathing,
so much, so hard
maybe that’s why you kept changing your touch.

On the wet summer grass I was surprised when I heard your lips ask—
yeah, I believe in God like I believe in you
I believe in happiness and fingers but not in universal truth,
yeah I believe in God as much as I believe in you.

The sun had left a residue,
warm smog along the earth
we were shirtless and nearly crying
the red lips staring back at us,
the dying horizon oh

we were in a nightmare.

And out of season the snow started to fall
The pool caught on fire, thunderheads stood tall,
the trees, conductors, lit up and held charge,
exploded shattered branches and all,
hurricanes devoured grass, blizzards detonate
volcanoes tossed the air around like a doll, the smoke,
earthquakes severed plates,
rifts, sunbursts, starfire, gunbattle,
my face kissing
in your shoulder as the world finally shakes

free.


On the wet summer grass I was surprised when I heard your lips ask—
yeah, I believe in God like I believe in you
I believe in happiness and fingers but not in universal truth,
yeah I believe in God as much as I believe in you.
#2
Quote by #1 synth
Of Montreal (Fireworks)

We were in a nightmare

Were next to a swimming pool,
the light came in all afternoon
only to leave unannounced,
like an animal fleeing a storm.

Nice start.

The night air felt cool,
and your fist
clenching and uncurling on my stomach.

The line break after "fist"felt weird to me for some reason. Kinda broke a lil bit the flow for me.

I was breathing, I was breathing,
so much, so hard
maybe that’s why you kept changing your touch.

I would suggest a full stop after the first "I was breathing" and no comma after the second one ? And a full stop after "so hard".

On the wet summer grass I was surprised when I heard your lips ask—
yeah, I believe in God like I believe in you
I believe in happiness and fingers but not in universal truth,
yeah I believe in God as much as I believe in you.

Like how you changed "like" to "as much" in the 4th line. .

The sun had left a residue,
warm smog along the earth
we were shirtless and nearly crying
the red lips staring back at us,
the dying horizon oh

The red lips refers to what ? (late here, my mind's not working well.. ><.

we were in a nightmare.

And out of season the snow started to fall
The pool caught on fire, thunderheads stood tall,
the trees, conductors, lit up and held charge,
exploded shattered branches and all,
hurricanes devoured grass, blizzards detonate
volcanoes tossed the air around like a doll, the smoke,
earthquakes severed plates,
rifts, sunbursts, starfire, gunbattle,
my face kissing
in your shoulder as the world finally shakes

free.

Wow, i didn't expect a part like this when I started reading this. But it was great.


On the wet summer grass I was surprised when I heard your lips ask—
yeah, I believe in God like I believe in you
I believe in happiness and fingers but not in universal truth,
yeah I believe in God as much as I believe in you.


Overall I liked it. Nice work. Had a good read. If you don't mind, could you look at "Endless Dream" in my sig plz ?
#3
I'll definitely return. Thanks alot (name?)



oh, and by the way, this is a song, written on piano, I'll hopefully get it recorded early next week. One of the first songs I've posted here. yay!
#4
Faiz is the name. And yours is ? (one of the only forums i see people refering to others with names.. makes it more friendlier IMo )

Looking forward to hearing it recorded.
#5
"were" L1 S1 (second line of the piece) should be "We're". I'll probably nitpick more later. Just wanted to say I really enjoyed this. Is the name drawn from the band (Of Montreal) or is that just a coincidence?
#6
hey sexy.

this is really very solid.

sounds like a song id listen to, too, and will definitely hang around for the recording


ehh, perfect.




sorry.
#7
Quote by #1 synth
On the wet summer grass I was surprised when I heard your lips ask—
yeah, I believe in God like I believe in you
I believe in happiness and fingers but not in universal truth,
yeah I believe in God as much as I believe in you.
Dylan, it's snippets like these that set peculiar feelings beyond the point of surreal for an individual. they do for me at least; it's just, so authentic/nostalgic.
it is as beautiful as the word-choice preciseness that is quite evidently implied here.
wonderful stuff, Dylan. absolutely.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
thank you guys a lot.

specially you Kent

And it is supposed to be "were"
there are no typos here.

time to go celebrate your kind words with alchohol and free love, the best kind of love!
#9
Quote by #1 synth
I was breathing, I was breathing,
so much, so hard
maybe that’s why you kept changing your touch.

You probably should have a full stop after "so hard".


On the wet summer grass I was surprised when I heard your lips ask—
yeah, I believe in God like I believe in you
I believe in happiness and fingers but not in universal truth,
yeah I believe in God as much as I believe in you.

I'm sure I'm missing something obvious but what is being asked?


Crit mine if you have the chance: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1072010