#1
First wrote this as a poem couple of years ago, then wrote it as a song, but didn't worked out. Then I decided to re-wrote it as a poem recently.
Mainly about how I felt when my tinnitus started when I was little.

c4c, leave a link to yours.


[u]Endless Dream[/u]


I can’t remember the times
Where I could close my eyes
Without counting the hours I’m awake.
I can hear the frozen clocks
Whispering into my ears
“Welcome to a place where time stands still.”

Do you know what it feels like
To wander in the darkest night
Without anything to hold on to ?
I don’t know where to go
Get me out of here, please
Talk to me, if there’s anyone out there

Watching foreign skies,
My tears have long dried on the cold winter floor.

Waiting for the boogeyman
From under the bed
To take me away.

Waiting for the sandman
To come from the skies
With his sands of sleep.

“When the sun will set
I’ll pray for endless dream,
Before I go to bed
I’ll pray for eternal rest.”

But I know that I won’t be sleeping again tonight.
Last edited by UVER at Jun 17, 2009,
#3
very good work

dark but evidently thought about
Quote by fleajr_1412
You have amazing taste in men.


Are You a PROG-HEAD? I am.
#5
Thanks alot.

Dopey_Trout, I'm jealous, you've got a PRS. Those are nice guitars.
#6
Quote by UVER
Thanks alot.

Dopey_Trout, I'm jealous, you've got a PRS. Those are nice guitars.


indeed they are

I luffles my PRS
Quote by fleajr_1412
You have amazing taste in men.


Are You a PROG-HEAD? I am.
#7
Holy ****k aha.
that was creepy man.
But a wonderful piece none the less.
The sandman and boogeyman part were absolutely brilliant.
The very last verse was one of the most chilling things ive ever read.
Wonderful job man
crit mine if you have the chance
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1071908
"You've got to dance like nobody else is watching.
Dream like you will live forever.
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
and love like it is never gonna hurt."
-- James Dean (1931-1955)

Quote by JakeTheDuck
This man has the right idea.


^
oh yeahhh
#8
Thanks man. I'll get to yours tomorrow, getting late here and I badly need some sleep. Cheers.
#9
I really am starting to come around to your style, and I think I will start to enjoy you even more as you move away from those cute cliches into these clever, witty observation-al bits.

I really don't have much to say on this, so keep writing, and keep impressing me.

I'm watching you...
¬.¬
#10
Endless Dream

I can’t remember the times
Where I could close my eyes
Without counting the hours I’m awake.
I can hear the frozen clocks
Whispering into my ears
“Welcome to a place where time stands still.”

I would start of with changing "can't" to "don't" because since your talking about them, you obviously can think of them in some way or another. At first I thought that the 5th line should read " whispering in my ears" but I've decided that "into" provides a better perspective. The last three lines were amazing. I was super inspired by them. Though i think you should change "time" to "I" then it can refer to the clock or yourself.

Do you know what it feels like
To wander in the darkest night
Without anything to hold on to ?
I don’t know where to go
Get me out of here, please
Talk to me, if there’s anyone out there

Yes. I do. I understand, at least in some version.
I would change the third line. It feels bland as is. Perhaps something like:
"I know not. Where should I let my feet fall?"
also just noticed that your use of punctuation is unusual. not bad, just pointing it out.


Watching foreign skies,
My tears have long dried on the cold winter floor.

The first line confuses me in a way. simply because everything up to this point has been stated like its a very familier place for your.
I like the wording in the second line.


Waiting for the boogeyman
From under the bed
To take me away.

I like the concept, but its phrased/worded akwardly for me.

Waiting for the sandman
To come from the skies
With his sands of sleep.

Again, I like the concept, but its phrased/worded akwardly for me.

“When the sun will set
I’ll pray for endless dream,
Before I go to bed
I’ll pray for eternal rest.”

Why is this in quotes? change the second line to "I'll pray for an endless dream" or ""I'll pray for the endless dream" same thing with the last line maybe? last line didn't bother me as much.

But I know that I won’t be sleeping again tonight.

I would not have the "but" starting this line. actually, i would just say, "I won't be sleeping tonight" and end it with that.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Great poem. I dug it for sure. It spoke very well. (maybe because I have sleep issues as well, but I'm going to place blame on good writing!)


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1071031
^ one of mine if you can find the time.

-Ryan
#11
^
Thanks.

First line I chose "can't" over "don't" 'cause I found it more "powerful". And can't sounds better in my head than don't. =s

"foreign skies" because it refers to the first nights. Watching the skies all night long was something new to me. I wasn't used to that.

For the quotes parts i don't really know how to explain. If i ever make a song out of it it'll be a spoken passage. May be why.

Thanks for the crit. I'll check yours.
#12
fair enough man.

I like the "foreign skies" part even more now. It fits.
Agreed on the quotes part being a spoken line. perhaps even chant like? ehh just throwing out ideas.
-Ryan