#1
Will C4C

Mourning of a Bathroom Scribbler


My musings written on some bathroom wall
The memories encased in grim realisation
That dirt is their final and only friend
The underpaid and over worked their final demise
No warning, no second chance

It took so long
To find something
That would leave a mark
And keep it there
Though the words inscribed still fade in time
The memory can’t last forever

Endless notes from an unknown face
Dear Sir, Dear Madam, We are writing to inform
It has become more and more obvious
That honesty is the most feared
And the most costly of all the things I posses

I can not let go
The fact that a pen
May convey my yesterdays
To someone who will never
Quite know who I am,
I will go on regardless

A final strike, a final peace of my mind
Must be put on show for those in need
Because scribbling in the dark brings nothing
But the hate of those who build the things that stop me;
That I cut over and let the truth flow in blood

“To my friends
You are all I have
Though your face I will never see
You are those I keep closest
But something pushes away,
This slate is always cleaned
Yet it still reeks with the dirt
Of those who wipe my mind clean
Of whom I really should be”
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
Last edited by ChemicalFire at Feb 19, 2009,
#2
First of alll, beautiful piece man. It definately painted a descriptive picture.
I lvoed the very last verse, the "somewhat suicide note" it sounded like. Amazing way to end it.
You could really feel the characters pain.
Also the first two lines of the piece were amazing


Very good job
crit mine when you have the chance.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1071908
"You've got to dance like nobody else is watching.
Dream like you will live forever.
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
and love like it is never gonna hurt."
-- James Dean (1931-1955)

Quote by JakeTheDuck
This man has the right idea.


^
oh yeahhh
#3
What sort of music are you gonna put with it? I have a vague idea of what I think it would be but could be wrong
#4
I could really feel this. Especially the 4th verse, which is what I feel sometimes if I write something about someone, and that someone will never know what you wrote the song about. Also love the last part, with the suicide note, its pretty awesme.

so crit mine? I need lots of it so I stop sucking

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=18706974
Last edited by Concrete_Breeze at Feb 20, 2009,
#5
This is quite good. It's nigh on perfect it is presentation and diction and there is very little I can say to help you, except that I enjoyed it and look forward to your next piece.

I can return if you want a nitpicking? Keep in mind I won't be able to state much...
#6
Quote by AngryGoldfish

I can return if you want a nitpicking? Keep in mind I won't be able to state much...


Go ahead and nit pick, good to know everything that can be done to improve.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#7
Quote by ChemicalFire
Will C4C

Mourning of a Bathroom Scribbler


My musings written on some bathroom wall
The memories encased in grim realisation
That dirt is their final and only friend
Because you are capitalizing "That", you are bringing attention to it, and it's not a very nice way of continuing on the thought.
The underpaid and over worked their final demise
This is worded very oddly and could do with re-working.
No warning, no second chance

It took so long
To find something
That would leave a mark
And keep it there
Though the words inscribed still fade in time
The memory can’t last forever
This section feels very stuttered and it's probably because of how the line breaks cuts everything short.

Endless notes from an unknown face
Dear Sir, Dear Madam, We are writing to inform
Without proper punctuation at the end of this (a period, for instance) this becomes difficult to understand and connect inside the flow.
It has become more and more obvious
That honesty is the most feared
And the most costly of all the things I posses

I can not let go
The fact that a pen
May convey my yesterdays
To someone who will never
Quite know who I am,
I will go on regardless

A final strike, a final peace of my mind
Must be put on show for those in need
Because scribbling in the dark brings nothing
But the hate of those who build the things that stop me;
That I cut over and let the truth flow in blood

“To my friends
You are all I have
Though your face I will never see
I'm not sure this is supposed to be "face", or 'faces'? It needs to be clearer.
You are those I keep closest
"closest" is an ugly word in this style. The diction is poor.
But something pushes away,
This slate is always cleaned
Yet it still reeks with the dirt
I'm not overly keen on these two lines as they feel disconnected from the piece and a little random in respect to the rest of the song/poems themes and imagery.
Of those who wipe my mind clean
Of whom I really should be”


Just a few notes. I hope I helped.
#8
“To my friends
You are all I have
Though your face I will never see
I somehow can't help get the feeling that this should read Faeces.
You are those I keep closest
But something pushes away,
This slate is always cleaned
Yet it still reeks with the dirt
Of those who wipe my mind clean
Of whom I really should be"