#1
This is pretty much a free-style kind of poetry for now. A bit exaggerated at some parts, but any help will be greatly appreciated. I also apoligize for the language, but its necessary for the anger of the character.

C4C

In A life
There’s love and pain
With love, there’s mostly just the latter
You’ll have your ups
You’ll have your downs
Your Share of smiles
Your share of frowns
But everything good comes to an end
But that’s only where the story begins

You’ll act all cool
Pretend to tough it out
‘Cause a guy like you
Has everything he wants
That’s what everyone else thinks right?
You know they’re wrong and you got the cuts to prove it
“**** my hopes and **** my dreams”, that’s what you’ll say
“Instead I’ll kick and scream
I’ll show them what it’s like to be me”

You’ll go on a frenzy
A trance if you will
The ones that you loved
Will slowly seem to disappear
All that will be left is just you and this dark empty room
Where you’ll sit and write your poetry
And your “Take me back” letters
That you’ll never end up showing anyone
Just the pen and the paper and your own ****ed up self

It’ll seem to get better
Your climbin’ back up!
But than you realize
It’s all just a game
Where’s your ****ing god now?
Yeah, he’s the one to blame
It wasn’t the way I acted or treated you
Or all the times I couldn’t control myself from cheating on you
It was him, that ****ing god, who made it all happen

Rage, Jealousy, Treachery, Lies
Whatever you want to call it, it’s still all the same
That’s how you’ll feel
When you see her with any other guy
And you swear the next time you see him you’ll tear his heart out and pray that he ****ing dies
But keep it cool
It’s not as bad as it looks
But don’t lie to yourself either
Don’t be fooled by their innocent looks

You’ll think to yourself that something’s going on
Believe it, is my only word of advice
With their cute little smirks and quick glances to you
You’ll know that its time to pull on through
Be ready for what’s about to happen next
A rage so furious it almost tears out of your chest
Whether it be you
Or him, or her or anyone you ****ing see
Someone’s about to pay for the weeks of pain you’ve just been through
Oh god, they will ****ing see
"You've got to dance like nobody else is watching.
Dream like you will live forever.
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
and love like it is never gonna hurt."
-- James Dean (1931-1955)

Quote by JakeTheDuck
This man has the right idea.


^
oh yeahhh
#2
Your climbin’ back up!
're

This had a very clear tone and mood, which I enjoyed. however it was too ramble-y at points. These kind of emotions need to go out hard and fast, not with all these petty "if you will"s, but i am at least glad you kept this character consistent.

so i think that (the consistency) makes this very a solid piece.

So, really, this was well done - if only a tad cliche.
#4
i don't want to be harsh, but it bored me. you kept switching around all these negative emotions until they lost any power they might have had. also, the whole idea has been done to death. if you really feel you have to write about it, then try to find an interesting way to express things. that all said, there were some clever turns of phrase in here, and I would be interested in reading anything else you might post.
#5
thanks for all the critique
for hesh:
thankyou for being honest haha. i kind of tried to go through like..the 7 stages. Anger jealousy,acceptance, stuff like that. So at points the character was up, but at others he was down.
I can see where your comin from and ill try to work on it. Thanks
"You've got to dance like nobody else is watching.
Dream like you will live forever.
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
and love like it is never gonna hurt."
-- James Dean (1931-1955)

Quote by JakeTheDuck
This man has the right idea.


^
oh yeahhh
#6
Quote by The-Trooper94

In A life
There’s love and pain
With love, there’s mostly just the latter
You’ll have your ups
You’ll have your downs
Your Share of smiles
Your share of frowns
But everything good comes to an end
But that’s only where the story begins
The last line I would change "But" to "And". Dunno, the but seems weird there for me. oO Rest had a nice rhytme to it.

You’ll act all cool
Pretend to tough it out
‘Cause a guy like you
Has everything he wants
That’s what everyone else thinks right?
You know they’re wrong and you got the cuts to prove it
“**** my hopes and **** my dreams”, that’s what you’ll say
“Instead I’ll kick and scream
I’ll show them what it’s like to be me”

You’ll go on a frenzy
A trance if you will
The ones that you loved
Will slowly seem to disappear
All that will be left is just you and this dark empty room
Where you’ll sit and write your poetry
And your “Take me back” letters
That you’ll never end up showing anyone
Just the pen and the paper and your own ****ed up self
4th line I would take out "Seem to". Seems to go better with what you wrote after that line.

It’ll seem to get better
Your climbin’ back up!
But than you realize
It’s all just a game
Where’s your ****ing god now?
Yeah, he’s the one to blame
It wasn’t the way I acted or treated you
Or all the times I couldn’t control myself from cheating on you
It was him, that ****ing god, who made it all happen
3rd line isnt it "then" and not "than" ?

Rage, Jealousy, Treachery, Lies
Whatever you want to call it, it’s still all the same
That’s how you’ll feel
When you see her with any other guy
And you swear the next time you see him you’ll tear his heart out and pray that he ****ing dies
But keep it cool
It’s not as bad as it looks
But don’t lie to yourself either
Don’t be fooled by their innocent looks

You’ll think to yourself that something’s going on
Believe it, is my only word of advice
With their cute little smirks and quick glances to you
You’ll know that its time to pull on through
Be ready for what’s about to happen next
A rage so furious it almost tears out of your chest
Whether it be you
Or him, or her or anyone you ****ing see
Someone’s about to pay for the weeks of pain you’ve just been through
Oh god, they will ****ing see


Overall i pretty much liked it, but the thing that bummed me out a bit was the overused ****.
#8
Quote by The-Trooper94
This is pretty much a free-style kind of poetry for now. A bit exaggerated at some parts, but any help will be greatly appreciated. I also apoligize for the language, but its necessary for the anger of the character.

C4C

In A life
There’s love and pain
With love, there’s mostly just the latter
You’ll have your ups
You’ll have your downs
Your Share of smiles
Your share of frowns
But everything good comes to an end
But that’s only where the story begins
I thought this was too "musical" comparing to theb rest of the piece. The style is clichéd, but the subject itself makes me let go of it.

You’ll act all cool
Pretend to tough it out
‘Cause a guy like you
Has everything he wants
That’s what everyone else thinks right?
You know they’re wrong and you got the cuts to prove it
“fuck my hopes and fuck my dreams”, that’s what you’ll say
“Instead I’ll kick and scream
I’ll show them what it’s like to be me”
Despite being extremely unpoetic, the fact that it seems to be rawfully true gives this its charm

You’ll go on a frenzy
A trance if you will
The ones that you loved
Will slowly seem to disappear
All that will be left is just you and this dark empty room
Where you’ll sit and write your poetry
And your “Take me back” letters
That you’ll never end up showing anyone
Just the pen and the paper and your own fucked up self

It’ll seem to get better
Your climbin’ back up!
But than you realize
It’s all just a game
Where’s your fucking god now?
Yeah, he’s the one to blame
It wasn’t the way I acted or treated you
Or all the times I couldn’t control myself from cheating on you
It was him, that fucking god, who made it all happen
Turning to god is a little meh...

Rage, Jealousy, Treachery, Lies
Whatever you want to call it, it’s still all the same
That’s how you’ll feel
When you see her with any other guy
And you swear the next time you see him you’ll tear his heart out and pray that he fucking dies
But keep it cool
It’s not as bad as it looks
But don’t lie to yourself either
Don’t be fooled by their innocent looks
"looks/looks" didn't work for me. And I was saving it for the end, but I'll say it right now, work on the line breaks man...

You’ll think to yourself that something’s going on
Believe it, is my only word of advice
With their cute little smirks and quick glances to you
You’ll know that its time to pull on through
Be ready for what’s about to happen next
A rage so furious it almost tears out of your chest
Whether it be you
Or him, or her or anyone you fucking see
Someone’s about to pay for the weeks of pain you’ve just been through
Oh god, they will fucking see
I didn't like this finale. you rhyme "you/thorugh" twice, and your fucks begin to become exagerated.


First of all, see how it becomes prettier with those "fuck"s right there ?

Okay, I liked this, but it has this amateurism splatted all over it. Work on the line breaks, the flow... Things like that. For a subject so commonly written about, this seemed different in a way, which is a good thing.

Once again, sorry I took so long, and thank you for reminding me I was in debt with you. Also thank you for your comment, it really meant a lot to me.

Take care man.