#1
flashing screens and beeping machines
keep me company tonight.
and the artificial stars are
buzzing like flies, a whispering
enemy. the florescent lights
are mocking, mocking, from above.
i rock myself to sleep, again my
own mother. how i wish you were
here to dry my eyes, one final
time.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Feb 19, 2009,
#2
wow
i am actually blown away by your writing ability aha.
it gave you a setting that you could clearly picture in your mind.
and you captured the essence of a hospital room too.

very good job.
crit mine when you have timee
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1071908
"You've got to dance like nobody else is watching.
Dream like you will live forever.
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
and love like it is never gonna hurt."
-- James Dean (1931-1955)

Quote by JakeTheDuck
This man has the right idea.


^
oh yeahhh
#4
flashing screens and beeping machines
keeping me company tonight.

I'd suggest just using "keep" instead, because for one all of the "ings" are a little too crammed together, it wouldn't harm (may even help) your tenses to change it, and also by using "keep" then machines/keep can play off of each other, which I think is more effective than the beeping/keeping rhyme.

and the artificial stars are
buzzing like flies, a whispering
enemy. the florescent lights
are mocking, mocking, from up above.

I'm kind of neutral on the repetition of "mocking" here. I don't think it's necessary/doesn't really help the piece at all, but it doesn't really do any harm either. I think this last line here would come off better without the "up". It kind of messes with the flow, and is redundant anyways.

i rock myself to sleep, again my
own mother. how i wish you were
here to dry my eyes, one final
time.

The ending steals the poem, which is always a plus to me. Solid. I'm not sure if we're benefitted by the bolding of "time" though.

I thought this was a cool little piece Sam. Good structure for a piece this size. Nice one. And you've already visited (blackdotted?) my latest, so I won't bother asking.
#5
This is very powerful, I just don't like the format it's posted in and don't understand a few of the ways in which you chosen to display it. The line breaks, for one, cluttered the piece and felt uncongenial to the theme. Secondly, I don't see the relevance of the last word made "bold" - Maybe I'm missing something, but a piece as small as this, with such seemingly comprehensive material, really doesn't have anything that would help explain what it's significance is, and thus, it feels like a gimmick.
The problem I found with this is that it relies heavily on the power of the story and the sadness centred around it. The tone is not overtly strong, but it hits you with more gusto after more reads, which I'm fine with, but, as I mentioned, the writing didn't feel particularly well done. The flow is not up to 'scratch', but it does suit the theme, in a relative sense, and I'm fine with that, as well, but it could of been worked with a little more - it felt rushed.

I'm being extremely picky here, I thought this was top class material with a beautiful energy to it. This a triumph from you and it really shows how talented and underated you are.
#6
Thanks guys, jimmy that means a lot to me


Edited on keep, up and time.

despite my first, hard opinion on keeping this 8 syllables per line... you win.


EDIT: love you Dan.


SOMEBODY NOTICE THAT THERE was EIGHT SYLLABLES.

god damn.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Feb 19, 2009,
#7
I'm kinda against bassbeat77 there. I would have kept "keeping" instead of "keep". For me it sounds and flows better.

I read it before and it's good you took the bold out of "time", i didn't see why it was there.

And I would put "time" at the end of the line before, so the 3 last lines keep a 9 syllables per line.

I had a great read.

If you have time, could you have a look at "Endless dream" in my sig plz ?
#8
And you told me you can't write. Stupid angst ridden teenage prick. :P

This was very good.
#9
I thought the universiality of topic was the downfall of the piece. it was so general it could have been about anyone's experience. what makes me love a short poem like this is one that seperates itself from others akin to it via details, or 'specialness' as I like to call it.

this is a good piece, no doubt, though I also question some of the format decisions. But this would be great if I knew more about you. Good pieces divulge nothing, great pieces divulge everything (in a succinct, concrete way of course).

Also without the details it was harder to believe the author has ever been through the pain associated with the situation which makes it even more difficult to take the piece seriously.

I might be back to this. I like where you're heading as a writer.


I know I havent said much but a short comment on: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1071749 would be so much obliged.
#10
For a short piece based entirely on emotion, there isn't enough emotive language, or what is there isn't used quite as cleverly as I'd like. Company, enemy, mocking and wish seemed to be the only words slightly doing that job. When you have the likes of artificial, screens, beeping machines, buzzing and florescent lights, I feel the ending needs to feel purer. New, shiny and yet warm. Punch.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
Quote by ginjaninja
i rock myself to sleep, again my
own mother. how i wish you were
here to dry my eyes, one final
time.
stunning. especially "again my own mother." it's, really, originality at it's breakpoint potential. love this line. love it.

the rest was solid; feldspar.

you always seem to get to mine, sorry i haven't been able to return lately.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#12
sorry for this non-crit, but i would just like to point out that this whole thing can be read from the little window that pops up when you roll over the thread