#1
I actually wrote this (and posted it a long time ago), but it's changed a lot since then. So let me know what you think and how I might be able to improve upon it. Thanks. C4C.

Staying Power

I go to the window and bleakly stare
Through a faded picture I've always known
Black and white, a ghostly veil
That hides a world outside my own

The corners are curling back with years
Painting glorious colors onto foolish fears.
I can almost imagine escape from here
I'd never stop, I'd see it all.

I'd give up the ghost to walk up every street
For my feet to taste the fields and seas
But I'm cursed to remain within these rooms
Until someone comes and breaks me free

Will my steps ever cross the stones of Rome
Or a tropic sea breeze fill my lungs
I can barely hear the waves as they come
But reality crashes in instead

I'm reminded every morning by a taunting sun
Grinning darkly behind the horizon
As if it moves just to prove it can be done
Won't someone come and break me free?

Now I'm resigned to the dust of this trap
To the dust and weeds that war in the dark
Imprisoned in a lone dot on the map
Praying for someone to hear this plea

What's left here to be seen, what more can I do?
These rooms consume me, draining me to sleep
I can almost see the lights of Rome
Will someone keep me company?
#2
Quote by theoneandonlyq
I actually wrote this (and posted it a long time ago), but it's changed a lot since then. So let me know what you think and how I might be able to improve upon it. Thanks. C4C.

Staying Power

I go to the window and bleakly stare
Through a faded picture I've always known
Black and white, a ghostly veil
That hides a world outside my own

That's nice. Stare through the picture cos its a veil, right? I get ya.

The corners are curling back with years
Painting glorious colors onto foolish fears.
I like this line.
I can almost imagine escape from here
I'd never stop, I'd see it all.

I'd give up the ghost to walk up every street
For my feet to taste the fields and seas
But I'm cursed to remain within these rooms
Until someone comes and breaks me free
Last two lines were rather cliched. Spoiled the first two, imo.

Will my steps ever cross the stones of Rome
Or a tropic sea breeze fill my lungs
I can barely hear the waves as they come
But reality crashes in instead

I'm reminded every morning by a taunting sun
Grinning darkly behind the horizon
As if it moves just to prove it can be done
Won't someone come and break me free?

Now I'm resigned to the dust of this trap
To the dust and weeds that war in the dark
Imprisoned in a lone dot on the map
Praying for someone to hear this plea

What's left here to be seen, what more can I do?
These rooms consume me, draining me to sleep
I can almost see the lights of Rome
Will someone keep me company?


Okay, I didn't get all the references to Rome, but I guess that's just me.

I like the whole concept of the piece, but, to be honest, I was kind of wishing you did more of it. It starts off well, but it sort of fizzles out, in the sense that it doesn't go anywhere. All that description is all very well, but ultimately there's very little going on, which made it a bit draggy. I would have liked to see a stronger progression.

All that aside, I liked it. Thought the first half was stronger than the last, though.
#3
Quote by theoneandonlyq
I actually wrote this (and posted it a long time ago), but it's changed a lot since then. So let me know what you think and how I might be able to improve upon it. Thanks. C4C.

Staying Power

I go to the window and bleakly stare
Through a faded picture I've always known
Black and white, a ghostly veil
That hides a world outside my own

The corners are curling back with years
Painting glorious colors onto foolish fears.
I can almost imagine escape from here
I'd never stop, I'd see it all.
Maybe using escaping instead of escape? But that's just my word choice


I'd give up the ghost to walk up every street
For my feet to taste the fields and seas
But I'm cursed to remain within these rooms
Until someone comes and breaks me free

Will my steps ever cross the stones of Rome
Or a tropic sea breeze fill my lungs
I can barely hear the waves as they come
But reality crashes in instead

I'm reminded every morning by a taunting sun
Grinning darkly behind the horizon
As if it moves just to prove it can be done
Won't someone come and break me free?

Now I'm resigned to the dust of this trap
To the dust and weeds that war in the dark
Imprisoned in a lone dot on the map
Praying for someone to hear this plea

What's left here to be seen, what more can I do?
These rooms consume me, draining me to sleep
I can almost see the lights of Rome
Will someone keep me company?



I agree with Time Seller, the first part was strong, but it almost feels redundant after the middle. But overall, I really like the word choice!