#1
This is the first time I'm writing something like this. This is probably really emo and crap. So critique this like no tmorrow so I can get good at this.


I lied when I said I held nothing against you
because if she's anything
she's everything
that ever meant a thing to me

And you know me, superstar
Grudges slip through my fingers like sand
but I'd rather have nails shoved through the palms on my hands
than feel this again

So Call me an emo kid
because I'm so angsty and rebellious like that
sip champagne between styrofoam structures because
hoping for the best tonight is
hoping for the worst tomorrow; it's
hoping for the fastest life lent
and slowest death borrowed
hoping for those midnight urges, to be satisfied
in the wake of cosmic splurges
Am I making you horny?
Or am I making you nervous?
Because I am absolutely nothing to her
and I'm betting my soul you are

so tomorrow

You'll wake up in a red pool of my ****ing envy.
#2
Thanks for the crit on my piece "Mournings of a Bathroom Scribbler"

Quote by Concrete_Breeze

I lied when I said I held nothing against you
because if she's anything
she's everything
that ever meant a thing to me

This section could of worked quite well, if it wasn't for the last line. Either the 3rd or 4th line should really be changed, the first two lines are pretty good.


And you know me, superstar
Grudges slip through my fingers like sand
but I'd rather have nails shoved through the palms on my hands
than feel this again


This section technically works, but it seems a little stock, a bit generic perhaps



So Call me an emo kid
because I'm so angsty and rebellious like that
sip champagne between styrofoam structures because
hoping for the best tonight is
hoping for the worst tomorrow; it's
hoping for the fastest life lent
and slowest death borrowed
hoping for those midnight urges, to be satisfied
in the wake of cosmic splurges
Am I making you horny?
Or am I making you nervous?
Because I am absolutely nothing to her
and I'm betting my soul you are

This is easily my favourite section, it works and kind of takes the piss of the stereotype of the genre. The repetition of "hoping" is questionable, but it seems to work quite well.



so tomorrow

You'll wake up in a red pool of my ****ing envy.


I quite like this bit too, I can imagine it during some melodic breakdown/outro in a hardcore song.

All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#3
[quote="
I lied when I said I held nothing against you
because if she's anything
she's everything
that ever meant a thing to me

i like this part

And you know me, superstar
Grudges slip through my fingers like sand
but I'd rather have nails shoved through the palms on my hands
than feel this again

i dont like this part, the word superstar feels out of place to the whole song n these four lines dont seem to flow that well

So Call me an emo kid
because I'm so angsty and rebellious like that
sip champagne between styrofoam structures because
hoping for the best tonight is
hoping for the worst tomorrow; it's
hoping for the fastest life lent
and slowest death borrowed
hoping for those midnight urges, to be satisfied
in the wake of cosmic splurges
Am I making you horny?
Or am I making you nervous?
Because I am absolutely nothing to her
and I'm betting my soul you are

the only part i liked in this is the best tonight worst tomorrow death borrowed thing.

so tomorrow

You'll wake up in a red pool of my ****ing envy.

this parts pretty good.



okay over all, but nothing i never heard before
"dear gravity, you've held me down in this starless city."
#4
mayb i should of made the font of what i wrote a different color of something, my bad
"dear gravity, you've held me down in this starless city."
#6
If this is your first try, i think you've clearly got a nack for it mate.
Keep writing.
#7
Quote by Concrete_Breeze
This is the first time I'm writing something like this. This is probably really emo and crap. So critique this like no tmorrow so I can get good at this.


I lied when I said I held nothing against you
because if she's anything
she's everything
that ever meant a thing to me
This is precious, very heartfelt

And you know me, superstar
Grudges slip through my fingers like sand
but I'd rather have nails shoved through the palms on my hands
than feel this again
I love the language in this. It also flows really nicely

So Call me an emo kid
because I'm so angsty and rebellious like that
sip champagne between styrofoam structures because
hoping for the best tonight is
hoping for the worst tomorrow; it's
hoping for the fastest life lent
and slowest death borrowed
Fantastic flow, i love it
hoping for those midnight urges, to be satisfied
in the wake of cosmic splurges
Am I making you horny?
Or am I making you nervous?
Because I am absolutely nothing to her
and I'm betting my soul you are
Again, excellent flow, and the language and how it's used is phenomenal

so tomorrow;

You'll wake up in a red pool of my ****ing envy.
A bit cliche, but still, it works well


I really like this a lot, it reminds me of something that I would write. I love your style of writing, it lends to great flow. It never felt awkward, never felt like it dragged, and most of all it was sincere. Fantastic. 9.5/10
#8
wow.... this sounds like something I would listen to.... :p

Well, I thought it was pretty good all around, but if I were you, I'd go through n pull some of the words n swap in some synonyms,
the vocabulary here is just a tab bit generic

also, a few lines seem to drag on,
"I lied when I said I held nothing against you"
"because I'm so angsty and rebellious like that"
"sip champagne between styrofoam structures because"
"hoping for those midnight urges, to be satisfied"

maybe re-word these so that they feel a bit stronger,
they really just slow down the pace when I read through it