#1
Please critique this however you want. Good , bad or otherwise!

There's a clock in the next room
I think it oughta stop
Tickin the time away
and messin with my head today

I'm looking for a reason to breath
because Paradise ain't lost on me

There's a girl in the next room
She's hiding behind glass
What a dirty photograph
She always used to make me laugh

It don't matter if we disagree
Because Paradise ain't lost on me

There's a hole in my head now
It's where my thoughts flow out
So close but not so near
It never used to be so clear

I'm looking for a reason to be
Because Paradise ain't lost on me

I'm looking for a reason to be
Because Paradise ain't lost on me

I'm looking for a reason to be
Because Paradise ain't lost on me
#3
The only thing I don't like is the word "ain't" just sounds hick-ish to me....

I'm not sure if its the mood you were trying to create... But yeah, I just don't like that.

The rest of the song however, sounds really nice... I like that you used small details.

Peace.
UG's HIPPIE
#4
I agree that "ain't" seems like it belongs in a country song and not here, but you can get away with it if you want I think. If you wanted to drop it, you could try dropping the first syllable of because, so that it reads "'Cause paradise isn't lost on me". That way, the number of syllables stays the same for the entire line. I can't make up my mind if I liked it or not. I liked the way you wrote it, but at the same time, I'm not sure if I liked the exact way you approached your subject, if that makes any sense. I wasn't particularly drawn in much, but I was still affected by the minute details that made it feel so personal and particular. Good stuff. C4C on "Following Evangeline" in my sig? If not that's cool. Take it easy, and good job with this. Peace.
#5
I totally disagree, I don't have a hic accent and I say ain't all the time :p
(I am from South Texas though.... So maybe just koz everyone says it all the time)

Anyways, I liked it, though it seem like it ended a bit short, like it was cut off halfway through the song or something, so I couldn't tell if this was a "It's just what I got so far" or if it's not getting any longer....

Shortness aside, it's pretty powerful stuff, keep it up