#1
if my voice cracks, please understand
this tremble in my hands is more than the cold car door.
you've left me standing here before,
waiting on you
on us.
now I'm old and gray,
my lungs are dust.
but there's still air left for one last word

enough.


expecting least your careful eyes
I only stared when you replied
I don't know,
I'm so confused.
there's no one else but...
...that one somewhere just isn't you.

what is it then? who should I be?
I just don't know.
I'm sorry.


I'm sorry too,
I thought I knew the way this worked
but you worked that out of me.


now though, when I think of what we were
it sort of makes me smile,
because what we were
was just two people
fighting anything worthwhile.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Feb 23, 2009,
#2
Wow. Now that's how good my piece should've been. I think i have tears in my eyes, man. That was touching and powerful
#3
Thank you very much Kyle, yours had the same effect on me.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
I rarely see this side of you, but I really like it. Even the few occasions where you use odd line breaks, I feel like I am growing to enjoy them and respect them and their attitude.
#5
In the first stanza, the break before 'car door' followed by the full stop was very strange. It made the pause do very little as my eyes kept on reading forwards, taking over the piece. I also think that the italicisation of enough made it a little gimmick like, especially with the rhyme, but it's not a very bad thing. That's all I've got.

There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
I really enjoyed this. The last stanza is exceptional IMO. I agree that there were some rythm issues, but not enought to be a deal breaker. Great Job!
#7
Thanks for the comments guys and girl. The italics just represented speech, but if you feel something else, such as quotations, would be better suited I'm open to it.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#8
Eh.... Italics don't bother me, plus I like how it separates those lines from the rest of the song.

It reads great, very touching. Kinda reminds me of me n one of my ex's....
Good work, man, keep it up
#9
I could tell that the italics represented speech, but on the word 'enough' it also made the text read much quicker than the rest, which I think messed with the flow (it was fine when used on the other bits of text). I think you could just do something clever to the 'enough' and keep the italics on the rest, but if you can't find anything it's no big problem.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
I agree with DigUpHerBones (ew) about the line break before "car door." I would slide it back up to the previous line, and allow the door/before rhyme to happen.

Stylistically, I tend to avoid end-of-line punctuation, unless I'm being a stickler about grammatical punctuation. Since you're not being a stickler for grammatical punctuation, I would suggest the same approach. Or be a stickler for grammatical punctuation.

For instance, if you were to punctuate this passage in prose...

you've left me standing here before,
waiting on you
on us,
now I'm old and gray,
my lungs are dust.


then it would look like this (or something like this, allowing for stylistic quirks):

You've left me standing here before, waiting on you; on us. Now I'm old and gray; my lungs are dust.

The first sentence also could read: You've left me standing here before: waiting on you, on us. or You've left me standing here before: waiting on you. On us. or You've left me standing here before: waiting on you; on us. Those are the only (correct) punctuation choices to make. The second sentence could also be Now I'm old and gray. My lungs are dust. but that's the only grammatical variation.

There are other reasons to use punctuation than grammar, particularly in poetry, but my feeling is that IF you use end-of-line punctuation, then you're signalling that you'll use standard grammatical punctuation rather than "poetry punctuation."

All that said, and changing the subject to DigUpHerBones' other quibble, I like the italics-as-dialog conceit. It gives the impression of a conversation that happened a while ago, and the poet is reliving it in his mind as he writes, which I think works better than quotes would. The reason it works is the widely-accepted stylistic use of italics as internal dialog in publications. I say stick with it.

I think the italics on "enough" works, too, but because the conceit there is that it's the poet actually speaking in the temporal space of the poem, and it needs to be offset in some way. Since you're using a line break anyway, you could also signal that with a colon to end the "one last word" line, or you could use quotation marks, but I think that would look goofy

peace
Last edited by Nilchii at Feb 23, 2009,
#11
This is good but lacks the finish it needs to be a truly unbelievable piece. "is more than the cold car door" and "my lungs are dust" were pretty easy and dull. the whole worked/worked out thing was kind of expected as soon as it was hinted.

My main complaint though ; I hate the tense shift in the last stanza. You're detaching yourself-- and consequently the reader-- from the moment you described. It lost so much emotion there. Bad thing is that whole "worked/worked it out for me" thing wouldn't make for a good finish.

I would honestly suggest work on the ending if you aren't truly satisfied with it. You have the opportunity here to convey a very strong emotional message. It's just up to you to decide what you actually want to say.

If that makes sense.

I would appreciate you looking at "barriers", on the first page, if you feel like it.
Good day.
#12
Dig - I think I'll keep it as is right now for continuity's sake, if nothing else. If I happen to have some sort of epiphany on it I will absolutely change it, we're on the same page here though.

Nilchii - Tell the guys back wherever you came from to toss more of you our way. Really appreciate all the time you put into that critique. As far as grammar goes I just use commas and periods to extend pauses when necessary, not for grammatical correctness. I did however change a few things around based on what you said. Will be getting to your piece soon.

Mat - I but I wouldn't say I'm unsatisfied with the ending. It breaks away from the emotion like I wanted it to and ends the piece on my terms, instead of the over-appreciated, sappy endings usually found on pieces like this. But I do agree there's room for a great deal of improvement in how I approach that. I'll get to your piece before I start working on that though, thanks a bunch for the thoughts.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Feb 23, 2009,
#13
That punctuation works much better for me, but of course you're writing for yourself

peace
#14
Quote by Billyjson
now though, when I think of what we were
it sort of makes me smile,
because what we were
was just two people
fighting anything worthwhile.
**** that's the damn truth, through and through.
Jake, you tell it like it is boy.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#15
I like that piece 5/5.. except no sure about the cold car door part???