#1
just got my internet back up, wrote this a week ago maybe after feeling jealousy and torment.

maybe their relationship
will fall out of style.
immaturity can take control
of both of them,
the reigns drop to my hands.
and finally every odor of a flower
left by her on my pillow over the summer
will return.
the monotonus scribbles
drawn by these hands,
cease to be sketched harshly
with a dark charcoal pen.

something bright cant be given the ability to bloom
just like the smell of flowers
pollenating from her neck
to my bed.
Last edited by freshtunes at Feb 21, 2009,
#2
for a quick reply I's just to say that all your stuff has always been interesting to me - partially maybe in this way that you kind of combine 'floaty head in the clouds flowery poetic' language with 'earthy gritty real life workingman' language.. like in one line talking about sketching harshly with a dark charcoal pen (great image), then the next 'the smell of flowers/ pollenating [sic] from her neck' .. I dig it
Last edited by parkt921k at Feb 22, 2009,
#3
THis was really great. I'd been missing your writing. YOu have a brilliant talent for conveying emotions
#4
This was powerful and realistic.
If I was to mention a few people that I would like to be able to write like, it would be you, themarsvolta, Bassbeat77 and vintage x metal - just naming the ones that always pop into my mind.

I'm not saying I want to be you, I'm saying the way you combine vagrant language and drifting, but intense diction is something that I've always aimed for but never quite reached.

Sorry for my kiss-ass comment and my dismissal of anything constructive.
#6
Quote by freshtunes
just got my internet back up, wrote this a week ago maybe after feeling jealousy and torment.
I'll do my best here.
maybe their relationship
will fall out of style.
I loved these two lines the moment I read them
immaturity can take control
of both of them,
the reigns drop to my hands.
and finally every odor of a flower
left by her on my pillow over the summer
will return.
the monotonus scribbles
drawn by these hands,
cease to be sketched harshly
with a dark charcoal pen.

something bright cant be given the ability to bloom
just like the smell of flowers
pollenating from her neck
to my bed.


Okay, well there's very little I can say technique-wise. The voice of the whole thing seemed immature, like this person pretends to be self-deprecating but really is quite selfish and self-important. The more I read it, the more I think it's realistic (which is NOT to say that I like it).

Sorry for not really saying anything helpful.
#7
something bright cant be given the ability to bloom

this line felt a little clumsy

that's all.

I can relate to this in a way. I really like it. Not groundbreaking for you but very great to read.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#8
Quote by freshtunes
maybe their relationship
will fall out of style.
immaturity can take control
of both of them,
the reigns drop to my hands.
and finally every odor of a flower
left by her on my pillow over the summer
will return.
the monotonus scribbles
drawn by these hands,
cease to be sketched harshly
with a dark charcoal pen.

something bright cant be given the ability to bloom
just like the smell of flowers
pollenating from her neck
to my bed.


Hi there. You have a fine set of tools: your images are well-considered, and some of your thinking is quite fresh - I was startled by the opening line and instantly knew what you meant, although I had never thought of it in those terms before. That's talent, there. That's good, it really is. I'm going to rant about grammar, but I won't fault your talent; you have that.

But, dude. Reigns = how kings rule countries. You're looking for "reins." Monotonous is spelled "monotonous." Cant is a kind of specialized slang or jargon; the contraction of "can not" takes an apostrophe: "can't." Lastly: pollen is, in fact, what comes from plants; but when a flower is actually releasing pollen, the word for that act is spelled "pollination."

On a grammatical level, you never (NEVER) put a comma between the subject and the verb of a sentence. The monotonus scribbles drawn by these hands cease to be sketched harshly with a dark charcoal pen. If you want to force a pause in the reader's flow, do it with line spacing, not with commas. Commas can be used in specific ways, and the Dramatic Pause is not one of them. You can use a hyphen, if you must, but not between a subject and a verb.

Look, you do have talent, and that's a fine poem. But please don't give up on grammar and spelling just because you can describe a pretty picture. Punctuation is a powerful tool in rhetoric; spelling is crucial, especially when there are multiple words that sound the same but are spelled differently. Keep practicing and listen with an open mind when people tell you that spelling and grammar are important. Read, too. Read a lot. That's how I learned most of what I know about English: reading.

If you feel like critiquing my crap, it is here.

peace
#10
Quote by freshtunes
with poitree, iym not shure if gramer madders.
pfft, fixed that bitch.

edit: by the way, i loved this Nick. as always.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Feb 24, 2009,