#1
Alright...so this song didn't take me too long to write...and there are a lot of mess ups in the lyrics, which is why I put it on here! So if you have any suggestions, please tell me and I'll see how they work!

Every morning, I'd wake up to the sound of the rain,
And the perfect resting silnece of the day.
Now when the light shines, it seems like I try to hide it all.
And when the moon rise, my diamond finally stalls.

Graverobber, was it you who stole my jewel in the day?
Or graverobber, will you bring it back to stay?
Graverobber, did you take the one floating in the air?
Or graverobber, do you just act like you care?

Everybody hears the story about the robber doin' all her dirty deeds.
But this grave was heavy gaurded and caused me to lose sleep.
How could this effect me? Who knew this robber would've been this strong?
First I was waiting, but now I know it's wrong.

Graverobber, was it you who stole my jewel in the day?
Or graverobber, will you bring it back to stay?
Graverobber, did you take the one floating in the air?
Or graverobber, do you just act like you care?

I see the signs and they remind me of the days before you brought me down
Or the time when your crimes spread all around.
Now did you steal it just to see the pain growning inside me?
Or was it just for your eyes to finally see?

Ohhh graverobber, was it you who stole my jewel in the day?
Or graverobber, will you bring it back to stay?
Graverobber, did you take the one floating in the air?
Or graverobber, do you just act like you care?

Ahhhh graverobber. No, no, no, no, no.
Graverobber, you took my life away.
Graverobber; why the hell would you want to bring me down?
But graverobber, I guess I'll see you around.


There it is! It's not amazing, but hopefully you got the idea of it!
To hear me sing and play guitar with this, check out my band's MySpace page:

myspace.com/dontrunband

My singing isn't very good...especially at the chorus'. But enjoy!
#2
Quote by HelzAngl

Every morning, I'd wake up to the sound of the rain,
And the perfect resting silnece of the day.
you start out here contradicting yourself. if you hear the sound of the rain, then how are you also hearing silence?
Now when the light shines, it seems like I try to hide it all.
And when the moon rise, my diamond finally stalls.
'rise' should be 'rises', gramatically. and line 3 feels a little bit jumbled, a bit wordy. you could condense and still keep your message intact.

Graverobber, was it you who stole my jewel in the day?
Or graverobber, will you bring it back to stay?
these lines dont make a whole lot of sense to me. you ask the gravedigger if he has the jewel or if he's going to bring it back. the second line is dependent on the gravedigger having the jewel, and you don't know that he or she does. it probably doesn't really matter that much, it just sort of bugged me.
Graverobber, did you take the one floating in the air?
Or graverobber, do you just act like you care?
i guess i just don't like the 'or's in general. that's probably just me, but they don't really make sense. it implies that only one of the two statements can be true, when they aren't actually mutually exclusive.

Everybody hears the story about the robber doin' all her dirty deeds.
But this grave was heavy gaurded and caused me to lose sleep.
How could this effect me? Who knew this robber would've been this strong?
First I was waiting, but now I know it's wrong.
the third line here feels wordy again. so maybe it fits with the rhythm of the song. if not, then you should probably condense here too.

Graverobber, was it you who stole my jewel in the day?
Or graverobber, will you bring it back to stay?
Graverobber, did you take the one floating in the air?
Or graverobber, do you just act like you care?

I see the signs and they remind me of the days before you brought me down
Or the time when your crimes spread all around.
Now did you steal it just to see the pain growning inside me?
Or was it just for your eyes to finally see?
this is all kind of blah feeling. it feels like they're only there to rhyme, not to mean anything.

Ohhh graverobber, was it you who stole my jewel in the day?
Or graverobber, will you bring it back to stay?
Graverobber, did you take the one floating in the air?
Or graverobber, do you just act like you care?

Ahhhh graverobber. No, no, no, no, no.
Graverobber, you took my life away.
Graverobber; why the hell would you want to bring me down?
But graverobber, I guess I'll see you around.
meh ending.


this wasn't all that interesting. there wasn't much feeling in it to me. i could be way off, but it just seems like you wrote it just to write it, ya know? hope that helps, sorry if i didnt make much sense.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#3
Hope's downfall pretty much covered it all to some degree. I was a little confused about the overall meaning of it, and there were a fair amount of contradictions in it that sorta threw me (although some of them I only noticed after reading downfall's crit). Combine that with some bumps in rhythm and a sorta obtuse, forced rhyme scheme and this starts to falter.
But now for some constructive criticism, since that's actually what you came for. Perhaps try to de-vague-ify it. I feel like it's too general. Sure, pretty much everybody can identify with some part or another of this at least a little bit, but 1) It's so vague it's difficult to understand what we're supposed to feel/identify with at all, and 2) It's so general that I don't know how many people will be able to really get into this more than just a little bit. Perhaps some more details of the actual situation/inspiration behind the song would be helpful. Also, perhaps tone down a bit on the usage of "robber". See what you can find in a thesaurus (thief, bandit, rogue, etc. are a just a couple of the top of my head) to replace it so that the listener isn't hearing it so much (they are already almost overdosing just on the chorus). Anyways, it's a good starting point, but like you said, there are some mistakes that can be fixed to help it. On the bright side, you don't have to totally scrap it to fix your mistakes If you feel like doing C4C, could you look at Following Evangeline in my sig? I won't hate you if you don't Peace.