#1
To awaken
'must've been obviously dormant,
- and what a mordant joke
given convention -
but I... but I... but I was...
I was in a deep sleep.

When you're lead astray
Is the leader blamed?
or the one gullible
enough to follow?

Getting to the point;
does it even matter?
The fact of the matter
already happened.
Is it enough to sit here
and reason it away,
or do you have to strike blows
before it bows out?

The question we all ask ourselves
is what do we really want?
I want something more,
Only I can do that.
#2
Quote by Say Ocean
To awaken
'must've been obviously dormant,
- and what a mordant joke
given convention -
but I... but I... but I was...
I was in a deep sleep.
holy punctuation, batman! line breaks generally imply a pause, so i'm not sure the dashes are necessary. and also, i would probably get rid of all those ellipsis and use line breaks instead. it looks prettier. and i just realized that i didn't actually read any of that stanza because i was instantly distracted by all the punctuation. maybe i'll read it later...

When you're lead astray
Is the leader blamed?
or the one gullible
enough to follow?
the line breaks here seem more like afterthought than intention. and having just this one thought as its own stanza feels like your forcing it to be more profound than it actually is.

Getting to the point;
does it even matter?
The fact of the matteryou ended two lines in a row with the same word... just thought i'd point that out.
already happened.
Is it enough to sit here
and reason it away,
or do you have to strike blows
before it bows out?
so i actually read the words of this stanza and the one before it, but i'm still not sure what's going on. you're writing in vague generalities and i'm finding it hard to want to read on. you have yet to draw me in, and its already the third stanza.

The question we all ask ourselves
is what do we really want?
I want something more,
Only I can do that.
my first thought after reading this was, "that was it?" you still haven't given me a reason to want to read on, and the piece is already over.


this feels really impersonal, but like its trying to be less so. kind of reminds me of some movie where an old business exec tries to appeal to a young crowd by using what he thinks is popular slang. this piece is screaming "neat" and "groovy" at me, and all i wanna do is giggle. sorry.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?