#1
Not writing anything stupid this time. This one hurts.

C4C, as usual.

-----------------------------------
you told me no
I flipped to the last page
I put those feelings in a box
And threw the key away

You told me go
I packed my heart and left
I didnt think that one cold day
would leave such a big mess

So I
am left
out in the cold and wet

and i
just want
to talk to you again

and I'm dodging all these words
headed right for my chest
while you're blocking off the memory
of times we one once had
and we're swerving past each other
not a second glance

but i'm still missing you
i guess

you said goodbye
I told myself to stop
I threw away those letters
and put down my guitar

you disappeared
i went on with my life
picking up the pieces
making wrong things right

i'm left
by myself
it gets better each day

who am
i kidding
your picture's in my head

and I'm dodging all these words
headed right for my chest
while you're blocking off the memory
of times we one once had
and we're swerving past each other
not a second glance

but i'm still missing you
i guess
---------------------------------
Yamaha ERG 121
Yamaha F370TBS
Yamaha GA-10

NOOB KIT FTW

-------------------------

Lyrical Insanity:

Chasing Shadows
#2
you told me no
I flipped to the last page
I put those feelings in a box
And threw the key away Interesting start. A little bit of a cliche image with the key, but whatever

You told me go
I packed my heart and left Once again, a cliche-ish image, but not bad at all
I didnt think that one cold day
would leave such a big mess

So I
am left
out in the cold and wet

and i
just want
to talk to you again The line breaks here are distracting and seem unnecessary, I don't understand what they're supposed to do. If you have a purpose with them that's fine, but otherwise I think you might want to make the first two things one line

and I'm dodging all these words
headed right for my chest "towards" instead of "right for" to help the flow
while you're blocking off the memory
of times we one once had Um... lose the "one"?
and we're swerving past each other
not a second glance

but i'm still missing you
i guess I liked this. Not sure why, but I did.

you said goodbye
I told myself to stop
I threw away those letters
and put down my guitar Good. Nothing really special or impacting, but good

you disappeared
i went on with my life
picking up the pieces
making wrong things right

i'm left
by myself
it gets better each day

who am
i kidding
your picture's in my head Same thing with the line breaks here

and I'm dodging all these words
headed right for my chest
while you're blocking off the memory
of times we one once had
and we're swerving past each other
not a second glance

but i'm still missing you
i guess


Well... most of what I said applied in a couple of places. This was pretty good. Not amazing, but definitely not bad. I guess what keeps it from attaining awesomeness is that I didn't feel like it really hit me with anything. It didn't make me FEEL much of anything. It tweaked me a bit because I think I'm actually going through much of the same sort of thing right now in my life, but even so I didn't feel like it hit me very hard. It's got a lot of potential in the idea, but it needs to be capitalized on. Perhaps some more personal details to make it less vague and general, turning it into more of a personalized story. Go deeper into what it was like before perhaps or how it ended, or have more details about exactly what happened, possibly just more graphic details about what you did. You put your guitar away... where did you put it? You threw away the letters... did you just throw them away or did you cut them up or burn them or cry over them as you threw them away? Basically, read through this and think, what else can I say about what I've got so far. It's a great starting point, just expand on it. If you could crit "Following Evangeline" in my sig, I'd really appreciate it. Good luck with working on this! Take it easy.