#1
I don't know. otscfc.

Homerun

on sunday in the day
all the men go to lunch
for a meal that they've eaten before
and then to their radios
to listen to the brooklyn dodgers
play the giants if they couldn't get tickets

there are clotheslines clogging
the second story of the alley
but the kids play ball there anyways
and their mothers watch from
their windows and porches as
somebody's storefront breaks

across the front street, the barber shop's empty
but everyone around hears it strike loudly
as they stand to cheer a homerun over the fence
professional and family
simultaneously
stumble as they set off running
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#2
Man I really liked this. Gave me a great picture of when i was younger watching the cartoon
"hey arnold" because they always played baseball.
Anyway I think it flowed rather nicely, only thing is i think where you have "and then to their radios" It might flow better to say "and look to their radios". Other than that I loved it.

crit mine?
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#3
This really did nothing for me, I'm sorry. It just felt so flat and lifeless, there was no real tone or anything there to keep me interested.
#4
Well, to start, it's ots so who expects something amazing? I can see what kwdownes was getting at, there wasn't really much to draw me in, because I neither listened to baseball on the radio or played baseball in laundry-clogged alleyways. There's a lot of potential in it though, baseball being the "American pastime." All that remains is to make it interesting, give it a draw. You had a good start I think by sort of getting into the mundane details of the men's lives and such, but you need more. Try to make it more accessible, possibly by bringing out details that lots of people share, like a dream of being a pro ball player, or a desire to escape from the 9 to 5 drag, stuff like that. You've got a good start here, so don't be discouraged, just work with it If you could crit Following Evangeline in my sig when you get the time I'd really appreciate it. Thanks. Peace.
#5
Apart from that I am going to be the black sheep here and say this doesn't need anything more. The overall easiness, simplicity, descriptive nonchalant painting of the scene charmed me. the suddenly abundant rhyming in the closing stanza made it too poetical and that's where you lost me. Keep it modest as it was and to me, that's some beautiful piece of writing you have here. Like an opening scene or something. It was so real, I swear I could feel the soft wind that blew that day.

A little polishing maybe, great effort.
#6
circular.parade stole my words. I love that style, reminds me of Camus' "The Stranger" in it's mesmerizing simplicity.
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#7
'If they couldn't get tickets' feels wrong, it's made the dodgers the subjects, and they didn't only play the giants if they didn't get tickets... you know?

Other than that, the line 'for a meal that they've eaten before' felt lazy, it breaks from the flowing, summerlike style you've created in the rest of it to something flat out and plainly cliched

I'd like a full-stop at the end.

I loved the feel of this. It reminds me of a Bradbury created scene, except with a completely different style, which is surely an achievement. I'd personally love to see those changes if you feel the need to make them, because they really would make this something special even more special.
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#8
"hey arnold"

loved that show

This really did nothing for me, I'm sorry. It just felt so flat and lifeless, there was no real tone or anything there to keep me interested.

hey it's cool. I thought I'd try a little different approach with this. I see where you're coming from though. Point taken. I'm not sure if this one is asking to be charged with emotion and stuff (in a direct way). I kinda wanted it to sound this way. I'll think on it.
thanks

thank you too one and only. I appreciate the thoughts.

Apart from that I am going to be the black sheep here and say this doesn't need anything more. The overall easiness, simplicity, descriptive nonchalant painting of the scene charmed me. the suddenly abundant rhyming in the closing stanza made it too poetical and that's where you lost me. Keep it modest as it was and to me, that's some beautiful piece of writing you have here. Like an opening scene or something. It was so real, I swear I could feel the soft wind that blew that day.

A little polishing maybe, great effort.


I'm really glad you liked it. I was hoping I could somehow get a little imagination going with this. And I think you're right about the ending shifting. I'll be looking into it. Thanks for pointing that out, I agree.


zippy, thank you!

and Katherine, thanks for the spot on the tickets and I'm wondering if theres a better way to put the eaten before one too...
happy you liked it

thanks guys I'll try to clean this up a touch so you're help means a lot.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Feb 23, 2009,