#1
In my head this sounds somewhere between Coheed and The Academy Is...
Feedback would be very much appreciated.


Meet me tonight
by the tree in the park where we had our first fight
We're skipping town
Leave everything and leave everyone to drown

No looking back
What we need to live is everything they lack
They've had their fun
Now let them pay for every ****ed up thing they've done

This sinking ship won't save them now
but they won't admit defeat
Ignite their city, burn it down
Fate! Bring them to their knees

When the chips are down
We'll stand our ground
Because the truth always wins

Their future's gone
Our love goes on
Unblinded by their sins
I want Super Saiyan abilities
Last edited by rebelmidget at Feb 22, 2009,
#2
Ok I really like where this song could go. It could be a coheed song if done right. The thing I don't like is your rhyming is a lottle forced. Not to much but in the beggining it was. Very nice work
#3
I liked this quite a bit, sort of an angry "payback" style song
Only thing that kinda bothers me is that you kinda seem like you were aiming to sound like coheed or academy is ?
#4
thanks for the feedback
I wasn't trying to sound like them really. I just got a tune in my head around midnight one night and tried to write a song around it and it came out this way.

famous, can you elaborate on how it feels forced? I think I get what you're saying but I'm not certain.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#5
Well alright, I just kinda got the idea you were, but I believe you.

And it's not inherently a 'bad' thing, it just kinda defeats the purpose of writing your own music.

But really, I do like it. It kinda fits how I'm feeling about Austin right about now.... :p
#6
I do write my own music.
But the easiest way to describe something is to compare it to something that's already established.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#7
Quote by rebelmidget
thanks for the feedback
I wasn't trying to sound like them really. I just got a tune in my head around midnight one night and tried to write a song around it and it came out this way.

famous, can you elaborate on how it feels forced? I think I get what you're saying but I'm not certain.


I just ment you don't have to have rhyme every line exactly
#9
Quote by rebelmidget
Meet me tonight
by the tree in the park where we had our first fight
We're skipping town
Leave everything and leave everyone to drown

I like this, although to me the last line would sound better as "Leave everything and everyone to drown", but maybe it sounds better the way you sing it.

No looking back
What we need to live is everything they lack
They've had their fun
Now let them pay for every ****ed up thing they've done

I like this as well. The last line is powerful.

This sinking ship won't save them now
but they won't admit defeat
Ignite their city, burn it down
Fate! Bring them to their knees

You changed the rhyme scheme up here, which can work, but it's something I'm unsure about in this case. Maybe if this was a chorus I'd like it better.

When the chips are down
We'll stand our ground
Because the truth always wins

No complains here...

Their future's gone
Our love goes on
Unblinded by their sins

Again, I don't have much to say here, but it's a bit of a weak ending in my opinion. Some of your previous stanzas were strong, so that kind of underlines the weakness of this one and, now that I think of it, the last one as well.



Overall good song with some powerful parts. I would just focus on strengthening the ending of it and possibly taking a look at that part with the changed rhyme scheme.

Good luck!
Last edited by ttreat31 at Feb 25, 2009,
#10
Quote by ttreat31
Overall good song with some powerful parts. I would just focus on strengthening the ending of it and possibly taking a look at that part with the changed rhyme scheme.

Good luck!


that part was meant as a chorus of sorts. this song isn't necessarily complete though
thanks for the input
I want Super Saiyan abilities