#1
She waves to all her friends to let them know that she still cares
Always wearing her precious smile
She sings along to all the saddest lullabies
Hoping she can finally get to sleep each night
It's not because of what I say or what I do
It's just what she's used to
She holds on tight to keep tears from coming out
At the sight of her old memories of him
All her pain, all her hopelessness
Well she never thought it would matter to me
Well she's not used to me, her smile is just a fake

But we both know, we both see this...

>>Chorus<<
Crashing down on me
Like two headlights that just can't stop
Please, let your brakes lock tight
Don't try to turn away
I'll be waiting here on the yellow line
With my eyes shut tight and my arms in the air
And as the rain drags my hair down with every pounding drop
I'm screaming "Save me !!"
Hoping that before my cries reach the sky
I can finally get to sleep tonight....


*I've taken this song back in "under my wing" so to speak, and now barely resembles this,

in other words.... thread's done guys
Last edited by greyeyedfire at Apr 4, 2009,
#2
that was intense dude, very nice. I generally don't judge too much, and especially when it comes to art...so I don't really have a critique haha. But i like that style, a bit choppy with plenty of content to hold interest
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#3
Wow... I agree with zipppy. Intense. You said you were playing with a new style of writing, so I'm hesitant to address things like rhythm, but I'd feel like it wasn't a crit if I didn't. There were some places where the rhythm was a bit rough, for instance "It's not because of what I say or what I do / It's just what she's used to" That somewhat long line followed by the short line sorta threw a speed bump under the car, to continue with your imagery It jarred it for me a bit. Perhaps taking out the second "what I", so that it reads "What I say or do" would help that.
All in all though, good stuff. I liked it. I'd like to see a finished version for sure. Thanks for the crit you gave me I fixed the uh... mistake.
#4
Intense is definitely what I was going for, glad it worked out

And ya.... I know the rhythm's a bit rough.... Really, the reason for that is I'm writing this to be a duet, but I'm not quite settled on the Alaina's lines yet....
I'll edit them in with ()'s once I get them past the "does this work ?" phase....

(P.S. Alaina isn't the girl this song's about, she's the girl that promised to record it with me when the time comes.... Just figured that was worth pointing out)


To Nilchii:
That last paragraph kinda was the chorus, though I am planning on changing it just a bit every time it comes up (Just a thought)

And it's funny you should mention a piano line....
I've been working all weekend to make a piano line for this song :p
Last edited by greyeyedfire at Feb 23, 2009,
#5
I was just critiquing someone else (I forget the forum handle), and his myspace had a piano song on it, which I used to hook into reading his lyrics. I similarly used a piano song in my head, reading your words: "Wild World," by Cat Stevens (or the artist formerly known as Cat Stevens, anyway). It works pretty well, really.

A critique of your song that I perhaps should have made for the other guy's, as well, is that there's no chorus. A lack of chorus can work just fine, but what I've heard about my own song (that lacked a chorus ) was that my listener wanted something she could sing along with, something she could hook into, something to give her a break from the driving rhythm, some way to break it up. Some way to break it up.

I don't know if that last paragraph works for you, but maybe you see what I mean, and if you come back to this and finish it, I'd like to see a chorus there, some way to break it up. A rhyme scheme helps, too, but this clearly isn't that kind of song. Anyway, I'm out.

peace
#6
Right, you posted while I was typing, and clearly you have a chorus in mind. Would you mind reposting the song with the choruses in place, as you have them in your head? It might make it easier to critique...
#7
Quote by greyeyedfire
She waves to all her friends to let them know that she still cares
Always wearing her precious smile
She sings along to all the saddest lullabies
Hoping she can finally get to sleep each night
It's not because of what I say or what I do
It's just what she's used to
She holds on tight to keep tears from coming out
At the sight of her old memories of him
All her pain, all her hopelessness
Well she never thought it would matter to me
Well she's not used to me, her smile is just a fake

Wow, this is powerful man, i really like the flow of it, and the rhymes really get me. Maybe get rid of a few clichés, but nothing really ruins anything. All in all a very good stanza(If thats the right term)

But we both know, we both see this... --> This line is for me genious, the way it stands out just sends the message very successfully.

>>Chorus<<
Crashing down on me
Like two headlights that just can't stop
Please, let your brakes lock tight
Don't try to turn away
I'll be waiting here on the yellow line
With my eyes shut tight and my arms in the air
And as the rain drags my hair down with every pounding drop
I'm screaming "Save me !!"
Hoping that before my cries reach the sky
I can finally get to sleep tonight....

I do also like this part, but i don't really like the last line "I can finally get to sleep tonight" is a bit overused i think, only my perspective though. The rest of this is is very good.



Overall this is brilliant man. Liked it a lot, keep it up !
#8
VERY intense. But I'm not seeing this as a song. A song (IMO) should have a better flow/rhythm and this doesn't. If you edited it, it could, but as it stands....
I LOVE the 2nd half of the chorus. Especially the part about the rain. Very vivid and awesome.