#1
Well i've never really posted in this forum but heres one of my better songs i came up with the other day, let me know....something i guess haha. Kind of rap-ish or something..has a bit of a flow to it:


Well all the little kids play, yeah they go outside
Onto the merry ground, going round, spinning till they’re falling down
On the ground, listening to the inner sound struggling with nothing.

Well all the bigger kids talk, they’re too cool to run
They got it going on, number one, wish I was the funny one
Talking big, tasting of the power fig struggling with something.

And then the graduates smile, they’re too cool to talk
They got the final paper written down, knowing how, acting large
So in charge, sailing on the ego barge, struggling with something

Then they grow up, got the kids in the cradle
It’s taking a hard, heavy toll just to do what they’re able
But when they see em grow, then they know, they know that they’ve started to see
An ingredient to the recipe that will make the best me possible
and they’re certain they’re struggling

Well the kids are out, gone away, left us like the better days
struggling on their own, Never dialing the home phone
Feeling so alone, time to chew on the big bone
Gotta get away gotta train for the ‘bout
I gotta make a little sense before my light burns out
Do I deserve this nervousness, thinking I should service this
Life I don’t know, wife I don’t know, why do I feel so
Scared to hear the final word, scared to leave the struggle
Wishing for my pigskin and friends within the huddle
Wishing, just Wishing, the simple struggle

But then there are those who will walk in the shoes
(of the very) God who gave life to all the kings and the fools
(They) grieve deep, laugh loud, fall hard, smile often
Never worried or upset about eternities coffin
They know the struggle’s not the question to the story of life
It’s just a fact we must enjoy the endless circle of strife
So when a friend or enemy has got a demon in their home
Just turn your favor to your neighbor don’t you leave them alone
Standard Fender Telecaster
Fender Blues Jr
Ibz10
#2
I really liked the whole "growing up" part of the song, though that last paragraph there kinda threw me for a loop, it reads nice, but out of place, like it's part of another song you accidentally typed up without meaning to....

Other than that, though, I really liked it.
Last edited by greyeyedfire at Feb 22, 2009,
#3
...yep i think you're right. I always kinda brought it back into that last part after pseudo ending the song but it doesn't really fit, or at least its a stretch. Guess I just liked it so i didn't wanna drop it haha. Thanks
Standard Fender Telecaster
Fender Blues Jr
Ibz10
#4
I liked it a lot, but some parts I think could be improved. For instance, I really liked the growing up progression, but there was at least where you said "struggling with ______" and you used the same word twice in a row, which sorta threw a wrench in the whole progression thing for me. I liked the idea, especially the resolution in the end, although perhaps the rhythm in the end could be smoothed out some. Of course I'm sure that I'm not reading it at the same rhythm/pace you are. So... good stuff. Welcome to the forum I s'pose. C4C on Following Evangeline in my sig?
[Edit: I didn't flag this, because I'm an idiot and I thought you'd posted twice. But I forgot to mark this, so I'll just take that first part out and you're fine. My bad. I'm just stupid... ]
Last edited by theoneandonlyq at Feb 22, 2009,