#1
C4C of course. Any help appreciated. I'm not sure about the order/placement of the choruses and such, so if you have something to say about that in addition to the lyrics themselves please tell me. Thanks a bunch.

Following Evangeline

I packed my life into a suitcase
And left the rest behind
All except the hope that drove me
From the place I thought my home

When you said that you were leaving town
To see what you could find
I knew exactly what I'd done
But only after time was gone

[chorus]
Oh Evangeline, I'm coming
I hope you haven't gone too far
It seems you're always somewhere just ahead
But that's never where you are

Every morning in a different mirror
The journey took its toll
Until a stranger's face stared back at me
To show what I had sold

[chorus]

Well I forsook all other thoughts inside
Refusing to give up this fight
I will not be appeased
By safety, rest, or peace
For beyond these cheap temptations
One more chance is all I need

Autumn's leaves fell by the ton
Then winter skies fought with the sun
Until spring arrived
As if the warmth had won
But my pursuit still carried on
Imagining where you had gone

[chorus]

Well at last my search's end had come
On a corner halfway round the world
And beneath the burning sunset sky
I broke down and wept for joy

You knelt beside me and asked "What's wrong?
Why do you cry? What's going on?"
And in the worst four words I've ever heard,
You asked, "Where are you from?"

I replied:
Oh Evangeline, I've followed you
From place to place so long
I could not bear that town without you
Please don't send me back alone

The cat got your tongue, but not your feet,
Too stunned to talk, you fled the scene
And disappeared once more.
Too weak to give chase again
I bought a ticket home
And prayed this race was not the end.

So now I'm back where I began
And should you ever come round again
You know where you can find me
Remembering when

I followed you Evangeline
To every place you flew
Knowing that you never knew
It was me that's chasing you.
Last edited by theoneandonlyq at Feb 22, 2009,
#2
Dude, this is downright, f*cking....

AMAZING !!

I really liked this one, it kinda reminded me of Johnny Cash for some reason.... I can almost picture how this song would go.... The verses seem almost as if they were meant to be spoken instead of sung, then the chorus would come in and bring back the melody, though maybe that's just my imagination....

Only thing....
"And in the worst three words I've ever heard,
You asked, "Where are you from?""
I count four....
Unless that line was referring to the "What's going on" part, then that makes more sense

Anyways, it's really good, keep it up
Last edited by greyeyedfire at Feb 22, 2009,
#4
Wow i really like it!
The chorus is awesome and none of the rhymes in the song seem to be forced and the flow of the song is done really well.

"Well I forsook all other thoughts inside
Refusing to give up this fight
I will not be appeased
By safety, rest, or peace
For beyond these cheap temptations
One more chance is all I need"

thats the only part of it that i don't like it just i'm not really sure it just not as good as the other parts of the song.

Anyway its great and i can pretty much picture how it would go in my head. Great work.
ED REED BABY
#5
Thanks for the crit man, and I appreciate your understanding of my flu situation. However like I said in my lyrics tonight is the first time I've ever made an attempt at song writing so I don't think I'll be of much help. Basically I loved what you have here, and to me it seemed familiar to me and my life from the way I interpreted it, but at the same time it was something that was new to me musically instead of a cookie cutter made song (I do agree with the above comment in the way that it does sound like it was influenced by Johnny Cash which made me love it more). I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help to you on this, but keep up the good work man.
#7
I have to agree with the other posters, this is quite nice. You seem to have some songwriting seasoning to you.

greyeyedfire said something about it reminding him of Johnny Cash, but I would go more with Lyle Lovett, myself; just a feeling I get from it.

You seem to have three distinct poetic units in this song: the four-line verse structure, the four-line chorus structure, and the six-line structure. I'm not sure what to make of the six-line thing. Do you have a name in mind for what's going on, here? It's almost like second-verse (referencing "second-breakfast," from the first Lord of the Rings movie, as opposed to a second verse... ), rather than a bridge.

Anyway, I won't comment on your poetry. It's good. Do you have a place where your music can be heard?
#8
Yeah, there are definitely those three units you mentioned. I didn't know what to call it, so I called it a bridge. I actually sorta said something to another poster about inappropriately using the term "bridge" and here I am doing it myself. Oops... Basically, it's just a shift in form to denote a kind of shift in the lyrics themselves. In my mind the song is divided up into a couple sections, and the change in form splits it up.
I actually haven't gotten this into song form. I'm beating my head against the wall trying to do it. I'll have to go listen to some Johnny Cash/Lyle Lovett to see what kinds of music you guys hear in your heads when you read this. At this point, I'm trying to make it something of slow song, with possibly some sort of percussive strumming tossed around. But I think that that's discussion for a different forum. I dunno. Thanks for the crit.
Last edited by theoneandonlyq at Feb 23, 2009,
#9
Good piece. Lacked "something." I couldn't really get into it. I was interested in the first stanza. Then after that, I just sort of lost interest. I think it's too long. Get a good tune behind it, you can have something.

Just wondering if you could crit my other work: Either, if you would like.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1065027

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1066488
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
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Last edited by brandon369852 at Feb 23, 2009,
#10
Cheers. The Lyle Lovett I have in mind is off the album Pontiac. I'll google it to remember what it was called. One sec... Oh, it's just called "LA County." That, or "Walk through the Bottomland." Anyway, it's clearly a story ballad.

Of course, you upbraid yourself for taking someone to task for a crime you, yourself, commit, and here I go posting a song with about four different kinds of verse. One takes one's karma where one finds it, I suppose.

peace
#11
Really nice man I like everything about this song. It could end up being something really good. Thanx for the crit on my song!
#12
Good stuff man. The first two stanzas didn't do much for me, but it built up very nicely from there and I really like the chorus. Really had me entrenched in the reading of it, very interested and such. After reading it I kind of like the slow start (the start just seemed cliche to me, and I wrongly assumed the rest would also be cliche or ordinary) because it built up into something lovely and unexpected. Keep em coming.
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#14
Quote by theoneandonlyq
C4C of course. Any help appreciated. I'm not sure about the order/placement of the choruses and such, so if you have something to say about that in addition to the lyrics themselves please tell me. Thanks a bunch.

Following Evangeline

I packed my life into a suitcase
And left the rest behind
All except the hope that drove me
From the place I thought my home
The first line was great, I love lines like this - very clever, almost mocking, in a sense. But that's just me being weird . The last two lines were pretty mediocre. I'd say what you're trying to say in a different way, because they're at the moment slightly boring; nothing that stands out.

When you said that you were leaving town
To see what you could find
I knew exactly what I'd done
But only after time was gone
This stanza was okay - the content was decent, I know what you're trying to say, but as with the last two lines of the previous stanza, I'd try to add some metaphors and iamgery to make it more interesting.

[chorus]
Oh Evangeline, I'm coming
I hope you haven't gone too far
It seems you're always somewhere just ahead
But that's never where you are
As a song, the first line is terrible, but the other three are sound.

Every morning in a different mirror
The journey took its toll
Until a stranger's face stared back at me
To show what I had sold
This was pretty awesome, no complaints.

[chorus]

Well I forsook all other thoughts inside
Refusing to give up this fight
I will not be appeased
By safety, rest, or peace
For beyond these cheap temptations
One more chance is all I need
The flow was slightly off, so I'd try to amend that, especially if it's a song. Other than that it was also pretty decent.

Autumn's leaves fell by the ton
Then winter skies fought with the sun
Until spring arrived
As if the warmth had won
But my pursuit still carried on
Imagining where you had gone
The first two lines were fantastic! I really did love them! The rest, however, was very poor. The rhyming was disgusting, you should definitely avoid rhyming with the same syllable so many times.

[chorus]

Well at last my search's end had come
On a corner halfway round the world
And beneath the burning sunset sky
I broke down and wept for joy
This was mediocre, could be better.

You knelt beside me and asked "What's wrong?
Why do you cry? What's going on?"
And in the worst four words I've ever heard,
You asked, "Where are you from?"
This was, content-wise, very interesting indeed! The way you say it could be better, but it's not too bad, and as a whole is a pretty decent stanza.

I replied:
Oh Evangeline, I've followed you
From place to place so long
I could not bear that town without you
Please don't send me back alone
Again, this was mediocre, not fantastic but not too bad either.

The cat got your tongue, but not your feet,
Too stunned to talk, you fled the scene
And disappeared once more.
Too weak to give chase again
I bought a ticket home
And prayed this race was not the end.
The first line was very clever! The rest was pretty decent too, but the rhyming was kinda meh again.

So now I'm back where I began
And should you ever come round again
You know where you can find me
Remembering when
This was poor, you should definitely look to change it.

I followed you Evangeline
To every place you flew
Knowing that you never knew
It was me that's chasing you.
I didn't like this either, it was too weak to be a good ending


As you can see, with a few modifications here and there, this is definitely promising! Thanks for critting mine
#15
Quote by theoneandonlyq
C4C of course. Any help appreciated. I'm not sure about the order/placement of the choruses and such, so if you have something to say about that in addition to the lyrics themselves please tell me. Thanks a bunch.

Following Evangeline

I packed my life into a suitcase
And left the rest behind
All except the hope that drove me
From the place I thought my home
good start

When you said that you were leaving town
To see what you could find
I knew exactly what I'd done
But only after time was gone
still pretty good

[chorus]
Oh Evangeline, I'm coming
I hope you haven't gone too far
It seems you're always somewhere just ahead
But that's never where you are
works really well as a chorus, not as good as the verses i've read so far but choruses are never really lyrically amazing, but this works really well for one
Every morning in a different mirror
The journey took its toll
Until a stranger's face stared back at me
To show what I had sold
another solid verse
[chorus]

Well I forsook all other thoughts inside
Refusing to give up this fight
I will not be appeased
By safety, rest, or peace
For beyond these cheap temptations
i think "those" would flow better
One more chance is all I need

Autumn's leaves fell by the ton
Then winter skies fought with the sun
Until spring arrived
As if the warmth had won
But my pursuit still carried on
Imagining where you had gone
this is amazing, great great great!
[chorus]

Well at last my search's end had come
that's a really awkward sounding line dude, but maybe thats what you were going for
On a corner halfway round the world
And beneath the burning sunset sky
I broke down and wept for joy

You knelt beside me and asked "What's wrong?
Why do you cry? What's going on?"
And in the worst four words I've ever heard,
You asked, "Where are you from?"
ouch, he got rejected lol, really great here

I replied:
Oh Evangeline, I've followed you
From place to place so long
I could not bear that town without you
Please don't send me back alone

The cat got your tongue, but not your feet,
Too stunned to talk, you fled the scene
another great couple of linesAnd disappeared once more.
Too weak to give chase again
I bought a ticket home
And prayed this race was not the end.

So now I'm back where I began
And should you ever come round again
You know where you can find me
Remembering when

I followed you Evangeline
To every place you flew
Knowing that you never knew
It was me that's chasing you.


picked out a few of my favorite lines, you def. had some great ones there, a few bits need a little work, i felt there were one or two awkward phrases but it was really good man, great job and thanks alot for the crit on mine
#16
Hey I thought this was a decent song. I think standing alone however, it was a touch hard to get into. If you added some detail to the images and story etc it could make everything more enthralling. The problem is you go on and on but there's nothing for me to grab onto along the way. No picture of you're dejection, no picture of where you are and such. I think if you throw in more things along the lines of "autums leaves fell by the ton" etc. then it could make it more interesting than what you have here.

nice work though I like it.
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Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#17
A really good song, i like songs that rhyme often but don't seem forced at all, your a song writer through and through mate.

Autumn's leaves fell by the ton
Then winter skies fought with the sun
Until spring arrived
As if the warmth had won
I think here, the line "Until the spring arrived" needs to be longer, just seemed to break the flow a bit. This is a great verse though.

really liked it all in all, good stuff, keep writing.
Wish i could write more into it, but it's pretty solid.

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#18
This is a really good piece. I like the aspect of how it's a story and reads like one as well. The verses don't force rhymes, it's more natural. As some other people have said, reminiscent of Johnny Cash, who I adore. As for the content itself, i really liked it. I couldn't imagine much of a song, but you wrote it, so i'll trust that it works.

Maybe put a chorus in before "So now I'm back where I began", i feel like with the content it would fit in well. Thanks for critting my piece, and keep up the writing, this is a great song.