#1
will probably end up being a song in my band.
and no, i dont care what genre you think it should be.
it is what it is, words on a a page.
ill try to crit back, but no promises.


sunday best for this god forsaken mess
hiding lonliness between folds of silk
drenched in blood from your shredded skin
stretched over useless bones; you were
never good for anyone
or anything
but me

if only i had the guts, to save you from yourself
modern medicine cant mend everything
and i cant even try to help anything
this mind is useless, i cant solve the proble; i was
never good for anyone
or anything
or me

so take three of these
with a glass of water, and hope
we can fix our broken lives
maybe death will bring and end to those harsh lies


so take three of these
(smashed photographs)
with a glass of water, and hope
(will cut memories tonight)
we can fix our broken lives
(shattered mozaics)
maybe death will bring and end to their lies
(reflected in your eyes)


so take three of these
(smashed photographs)
(i was never good)
with a glass of water, and hope
(will cut memories tonight)
(for anyone)
we can fix our broken lives
(shattered mozaics)
(or anything)
maybe death will bring and end to their lies
(reflected in your eyes)
(kill me)
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
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Last edited by brandon369852 at Feb 23, 2009,
#2
... Depressing. Good, but depressing. The shattered mosaic idea seemed just a tad off when right next to the photograph line, but I suppose it works, because that's more or less what a mosaic is. I really liked the first line the most I think. It's a great start. However when I hit the bloody mess and bones part it sorta brought me to a halt. I dunno, I wasn't really expecting something violent like that to hit me in the face so soon in the song. But if that's the impact you're going for, I suppose it worked. I liked the repetition of "never good for anyone / or anything / but me". Good stuff all around. If you could crit "Following Evangeline" in my sig, that would be awesome. Thanks. Take it easy. And on a random side note: I wish I had a band...
#3
well the title jumped out at me and screamed "cute without the E, cut from the team"
incubus rocks my world