#1
This is a song I've been working on. I slapped it down, one time, recorded a version and disdained it, but I can't get the song out of my head, so there's something there. Even as I'm posting it here, I'm editing it, so it's a live one, just not sure where it's going.

What is left when you're dead
What you think about
Or what gets said
Living in your head
Is only an antidote
To staying in bed

[chorus]:
Look all around
Hear them droning
Making sound
And in the ground
A radio
Of graces found
I want to know
What I can feel
I want to go
Where I am real
Where I can deal
Where ultimatum gives me hope

My word is a rocket
Or maybe a lifeboat
Your song is an ocean
Just let me float

[chorus]

Now I've got my wings
And I am rising oh so high
I see you
Tiny ants below me I won't go
I'm coming home
I'm coming home

[chorus]

What is left when you're dead
What you think about
Or what gets said
Living in your head
Is only the antidote
To staying in bed

So I commit sacrilege
Against all I respect
And I am rioting
Where faith and reason intersect

[chorus] to fade
#2
The verses seem a bit short to me, but if you couldn't tell by my post earlier, I tend to like long verses, so it's probably just me

The imagery is a bit hard to get into, but after re-reading it a couple times, everything starts falling into place, and I pretty much like what's going here. I can see this being one of those songs that I don't like at first, but would grow on me. I can almost see a sort of black and white short-movie, like a short story in movie form.

The only thing I would say really needs improving is making it a little easier to connect with and get into.... I don't always listen to songs I don't really like several times to see if they grow on me, you know ? It just needs a bit more 'catch'
#3
This is lacking direction to me. You've got the imagery going but your main problem is pretty clear ; you don't know what you want to say, so the words dictate the meaning of the song to you when it should be the other way around. These vague statements or questions like "what is left when you're dead" should, in my opinion, be avoided at all costs unless they are making reference to something precise and purposeful.

Problem #2 : personification. With all the "I's", and "you's" and "them's" you get going in the chorus, the reader/listener just gets stuck in the middle wondering how to interpret what it is you are saying. In pieces like these, verses are often used to define those pronouns you refer at throughout the songs. you can keep it abstract, but you have to tell sort of a story here. Have some kind of plot, especially if you are going to use a chorus. Give the segments of your song a purpose in substance too, not only in musical fashion. That's what makes great songs.

That's my opinion anyway, hopefully one element or two will make sense to you. If you have a little time, "barriers", my latest, could use a review.
Thanks, good day to you.
#4
Thanks for your input, folks. This particular thing is a vocal-rhythmic piece, where the words don't matter, so much as the melody. There's a wonderful bit in a Jon Anderson (singer for Yes) interview, where he's saying something like "yeah, my lyrics aren't supposed to mean anything, I just go for the way the words sound in the music," and this is like that.

Probably a poor choice of song to start out with asking for input on. I'll post something more story-oriented in a bit. Meanwhile, I'll be happy to take a look at Barriers, CP.
#5
billyjson - hold off on this piece. I'll post some better stuff later, and I would be interested in hearing what you have to say. Unless you really have something that Needs Saying, here
#6
I only have two things things to throw in here; one, the rhyming in the first verse is a little much and the head/bed/dead/said has been used many times before, and two, the chorus consumes the piece. This is a shame because the verses have strong potential, whereas the chorus is more abstract 'here and there' sort of thing which doesn't need to be heard over and over.

My word is a rocket
Or maybe a lifeboat
Your song is an ocean
Just let me float

Loved that.


I'll be getting to your next one as well. Until then
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
Hey Nilchii, thanks for the crit Figured I'd give this one a look when I saw your name.
The last line of the first stanza seemed a bit too short, so when you combine that with the somewhat heavy rhyme scheme (I agree with billyjson, it seemed a bit much) it stuck out. That was pretty much the only technical thing that bothered me. As far as the subject and such goes, I was a little confused. I had difficulty figuring out exactly what you were saying. It felt kinda vague. Perhaps one thing to consider is something that was told to me a while ago by a teacher helping me with a song. In these kinds of songs where you're asking questions and such in the verses, the chorus is really the place to put the answers. I think that's actually more a matter of personal taste, but still something to consider. Take it easy.
#8
Yep, I hear what you're saying.

Conceptually, this is meant as as multi-tracked vocal thing, along the lines of We Have Heaven, from the Yes album Fragile. Having a bad poet as a role model, however, is a poor excuse for bad poetry

Actually, it's probably a good excuse for bad poetry, but one shouldn't post it to a forum for critique...

At any rate, I will definitely look at that first verse, and maybe I'll play with it some more some other time.

peace