#1

I own
a body of lissome fins and
spiky thorns
I am trajectorial; well, serving
only, purely directional purposes,
yes I am
the slightly curvy line
between corresponding points
lying somewhere in the midst
of the profound purple deep

i see
people like constellations
starfish in pitch black seas
stirring, breathing...
and zooming in,
I see a masterpiece,
you are
a beautifully chaotic scenery,
self-formed and fashioned with
soft brushes and chlorophyll,
lustful eyes like candle lights
and your thin waist, your perfect traits,
idyllic breath and perfect breasts...

I am
looking through paintings like
through some porthole window
I am but a torpedo
shearing through time's dry skin,
resting my heavy eyes
knowing that there will indeed be
another tomorrow, with all it's
fiery glances and hindrances
between you and me,
the repetitive, cyclic, tiring,
median figurative door,
and me doing my thing
heading anywhere but ashore
the same old errant circling,
the same old ocean floor
Last edited by circular.parade at Apr 2, 2009,
#2
That's very nice. So good, in fact, that I have little constructive to say about it, except that it would be hard for me to imagine set to music.

My initial quibbles are that throwing in the thousand dollar word "lissome" and following it up with the mildly nonsensical "trajectorial" in two lines felt show-offish, and it irritated me. However, the fact that you used nonsense in a sensible way, and that you wrote such a nice set piece made up for it, at least for me.

I would probably take the quotes off "doing my thing," 'cause it seems like the only reason you're putting quotes in there is to set off a colloquialism from an otherwise word-weighty poem. Don't apologize for your colloquialism. If there's a reason for it to be there, let it be there without the ungainly punctuation. On the other hand, if you're actually quoting someone, then you should probably make it clear that there's some kind of history here, rather than just topography. I tend to think that would make it a different poem, and a different poem is a fine thing, but this one's good, too. So just drop the quotes, says I.

Also, you use "perfect" twice in two lines without seeming to do anything deliberate with the repetition, so I'd say change one of them. "Perfect breasts" is something of a cliche, so probably change that one. That's an after-thought on my part, really, though.

At any rate, keep it up. You clearly have a gift for word use and you're clearly aware of it

peace
Last edited by Nilchii at Feb 23, 2009,
#3
Your originality is refreshing, and the way you present it, very refined. I enjoyed it muchly. A few things:

In the fourth line, "only purely" is repetitive and seems to be there just for the syllable count. But regardless of how well it reads though (see what I did there), another word would do better in one of their places. Weak as it may seem, the only other thing I picked out was "starfishes" which may or not be correct (google won't tell me). I was thinking starfish was the plural of starfish.

Anywho, I love where you put yourself in this, so detached from the rest of the world looking down on your body. The way you made that evident right away with 'own a body' was well done. Then finding that focus point, her, and being powerless. Very sardonic undertones to this, really.

Outstanding piece of writing.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
i believe fishes is an acceptable plural form of fish but I'm not sure if there's 'rules' about it. So starfishes might be acceptable as well. Not sure though.

I thought the same thing about only purely at first but it does seem to change the meaning a bit if it's taken out.

profound purple deep was kind of bland sounding. Just not as smoothly put relative to the rest of this.

I almost don't like "doing my thing" in quotation marks but it doesn't really bother me.

ending was lovely.

I think you write some of the most satisfying stuff on this site. The feeling is accomplished in a fluent manner. No over the top, cheap devices. Consistent tone. Really solid.

Loved this.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#5
^ I think that the purple deep line was profound, and I think the word 'starfish' would just sound right, rather than 'starfishes'.

The rest of this is mermaid sex.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
Thank you guys. Took off the quotation marks and changed starfish. As for the repetition, well, I tried adding some punctuation in that only, purely line. This piece is all about repetition, I just tried to do it in a subtle way rather than blatantly. Like, you know, you can make love to someone without it being just your dick going in and coming out. Purple deep is staying for now, I might change just "purple" for something else. I wanted to hint chlorophyll but ended up not developing that avenue after all. I still like the alliteration somewhat.

Thanks Katherine, Jimmy and Billy. Nilchii, it's the first time I see you around, what's your name? Thanks a whole lot for the words -- and for the help. Hopefully you'll remain active here .

<3

edit ; I forgot to say, the double perfect was intentional. I can see how it lacks execution but I kind of like it like that for now. I'll get some thinking about it.
Last edited by circular.parade at Feb 23, 2009,
#7
this was, indeed, gorgeous Mat.
i've been wanting to write something like this for awhile now, and i think you've just given me the inspiration i needed.
thank you.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
My name's Matt. You? Oh, wait. Looks like you're Mat. Ha!

Pleased to meet me, as the saying goes
Last edited by Nilchii at Feb 23, 2009,
#9
Get back to this as soon as I can find something more useful to say than "this is really beautiful"
#12
Not to bump shamelessly, but if anybody wanted to give some more criticism (Dylan, kdownes?) I'd appreciate it soon so I can move on to the other parts of the series.
#13
Meh, never posted on here, but I've read a while and figured I'd give this a shot...

I own a body of lissome fins and
spiky thorns
Not sure if this was intentional, but I noticed that your other opening lines all started as "I see", "I am". Maybe start off the top with a single line of "I own"?
I am trajectorial; serving
only, purely directional purposes,
yes I am
the slightly curvy line
between corresponding points
lying somewhere in the midst
of the profound purple deep
Profound purple deep is very nice, if only because it doesn't follow a traditional structure, and that gives it a great ring. Only thing I'm a little off on here is your use of "corresponding", just not doing it for me. Changing it may alter your meaning though, so that one is really up to you.
i see
people like constellations
starfish in pitch black seas
Incredible. Nuff said.
stirring, breathing...
and zooming in,
I see a masterpiece,
you are
a beautifully chaotic scenery,
self-formed and fashioned with
soft brushes and chlorophyll,
lustful eyes like candle lights
and your thin waist, your perfect traits,
idyllic breath and perfect breasts...
Really nit picky, but I'll say it. I wish you had gone general to specific or vice versa. When "traits" is between two very specific things, its a little out of place (waist and breath).

I am
looking through paintings like
through some porthole window
I am but a torpedo
shearing through time's dry skin,
resting my heavy eyes
knowing that there will indeed be
another tomorrow, with all it's
fiery glances and hindrances
Again, incredible.
between you and me,sp unless I copied wrong
the repetitive, cyclic, tiring,
median figurative door,
and me doing my thing
heading anywhere but ashore
the same old errant circling,
the same old ocean floor


I liked the ending, whole piece was a cool read especially because of the angles it is from. Most of my stuff was pretty minor, you did a nice job.
#15
thank you duamun, for the typos and all. well appreciated. I did consider nearly everything you said.

11 parts series including this coming soon.

Dylan and Kyle, I'm looking forward to this.
#16
I own a body of lissome fins and I had to look up "lissome". What a fantastic word.
spiky thorns
I am trajectorial; serving However, I'm not really sure about "trajectorial". It wrecks the flow a bit, and it just sonds a bit coarse compared to the flowy words so far
only, purely directional purposes,
yes I am
the slightly curvy line maybe "curved" instead?
between corresponding points
lying somewhere in the midst
of the profound purple deep best part so far. Just a little thing, every line after the first one you have "I am/I see/you are/I am" all on their own. But the first line you have "I own" as part of the whole line. I dunno, maybe it'd wor better putting "I own" by itself.

i see
people like constellations
starfish in pitch black seas
stirring, breathing...
and zooming in,
I see a masterpiece,
you are
a beautifully chaotic scenery,
self-formed and fashioned with
soft brushes and chlorophyll,
lustful eyes like candle lights
and your thin waist, your perfect traits,
idyllic breath and perfect breasts...

This was massively good. Massively, massively good.[/b}

I am
looking through paintings like
through some porthole window This reads really clumsily and it's "like through some porthole window" that does it.
I am but a torpedo
shearing through time's dry skin,
resting my heavy eyes
knowing that there will indeed be
another tomorrow, with all it's
fiery glances and hindrances
between you and me,
the repetitive, cyclic, tiring,
median figurative door,
and me doing my thing
heading anywhere but ashore I liked the introduction of the rhyme, signalled the apporach of the end very nicely.
the same old errant circling,
the same old ocean floor

Overall this was just fantastic, and very beautiful. I tried to be as nitpicky as possible, and hopefully as helpful as possible. Look forward to the other eleven (!) parts.